


Stranger Under My Roof

by Phoenix_Soar



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Abuse Of Feels, And creates awkward situations for Yesung, Everything Hurts, Insecure Yesung, Kyuhyun just really wants some love, Leeteuk is so done, M/M, Or Yesung is a bit of a jerk, The Author Regrets Nothing, This fic has more feels than the tags imply
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-01
Updated: 2015-08-22
Packaged: 2018-03-26 16:54:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 45,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3858013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phoenix_Soar/pseuds/Phoenix_Soar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They say that what a person wants most in the world is the one thing they are deprived of. Kyuhyun has been deprived of Jongwoon’s affection for far too long.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. New Member

**Author's Note:**

> A fic inspired by the rumour that Yesung "hated" Kyuhyun when he first joined the group (and after reading the fanfic "Cruelty" by kyusung_addict @ LJ). This fic is my ultimate SuJu baby.
> 
> Please note that Yesung and Kyuhyun's relationship here is very much open to reader interpretation.
> 
> Written between 2011 - 2013, and originally posted at LJ and AFF.

 

When it is first announced that another boy will be joining their group, it is easy to hate the stranger purely by default, Jongwoon thinks. Twelve boys, barely men yet, and all with different temperaments and preferences working together to become a successful boy band in South Korea is challenging and draining enough. They don’t need another load added to their burden.  
   
Nevertheless, Jongwoon is an open minded person and tries to be objective regarding the sensitive issue.  _The new guy can be an asset to us_ , he points out to the less reluctant members, though only Ryeowook appears to share his view.  
   
It all changes for him when the twelve of them are gathered together and finally shown the recording of the newcomer’s audition:  
   
Cho Kyuhyun is young – younger than all of them – and handsome. More handsome than most of the group. He has those intense dark eyes that girls would swoon over, the killer flawless complexion that all idols dream of having and the shy smile that endears him to everyone.  
   
Jongwoon’s eyes widen. His stomach seems to tighten ever so slightly and something that feels like dread prickles at him.  
   
Then, the Kyuhyun on the TV screen opens his mouth and it is as if someone has pulled the very earth out from under Jongwoon’s feet. His blood runs cold and, for the longest moment, he forgets how to breathe.  
   
_This can’t be happening._  
   
It’s beautiful, Kyuhyun’s voice. Deep. Alluring. Dark and sensuous. The perfect singer’s voice and he hits the notes just right. His eyes close as he belts out the words and rather than him singing along to the rhythm, it feels like the very music is moulding itself around his golden, flowing voice. They click together and there hasn’t ever been a more perfect fit.  
   
Jongwoon tries to swallow but his mouth has gone dry. He cannot remember having witnessed such  _harmony_  between the music and one’s voice ... never...  
   
Not even for himself.  
   
_His voice_. Jongwoon closes his eyes and tries to block it out. With every passing second, he can feel his heart sinking lower and lower and there is no barricade to shield him from the despair that befalls him. His dreams, his efforts, the sweat and blood he has paid to be here and everything he has ever worked for till now – they all flash across the front of his mind and it feels like he has lost them already...  
   
He has been right: for Super Junior, Kyuhyun will be ... an asset.  
   
And Jongwoon hates it – him – already.  
   
When the members take a vote afterwards to see if they want a new member to enter their group (though it hardly is their choice), only two out of the twelve boys vote in favour of Kyuhyun.  
   
Jongwoon is not one of them.  


 

~***~

   
There is an immediate awkwardness when Kyuhyun first makes their acquaintance at the dorms. He is new, he is one year too late, he is shy and, above all, he is afraid.  
   
Afraid of rejection.  
   
Jongwoon can see that all too well from his vigilant point on the far side of the sofa. He is the only who does not rise to greet their new maknae. Even Heechul throws an acknowledging grunt in Kyuhyun’s direction.  
   
None of the other members really like Kyuhyun, either (though Ryeowook makes an incredible attempt at making him feel welcome, bless the eternal maknae’s kind heart). It is not that their first impression of Kyuhyun was bad – on the contrary, it had been awe-inspiring; the tape of his audition had actually rendered some of them speechless – but simply that it is hard and troublesome to accept someone new to their already too large family; especially as it has been an year since their debut and things are still rough around the edges.  
   
Nevertheless, none of the members are so cruel as to actually flaunt their prejudices in Kyuhyun’s face. Rather, they shake his hand, exchange clipped greetings and begin a civil albeit stiff relationship with him. Some of the more standoffish members merely opt to go along with indifference.  
   
Jongwoon leaves them to it and does not bother with any of it himself. He is in no way inclined to make the maknae feel comfortable or, heck, even welcome in their group. Because Kyuhyun isn’t. Not if he is going to put Jongwoon’s career and position in jeopardy.  
   
He tries hard not to think about Kyuhyun’s singing skills, the sensual texture of his voice and all of that accentuated with the very desirable bonus of being extremely good-looking. That, however, becomes an impossible feat to achieve after they debut as a thirteen member group. Fans – who, ironically, had initially been much against the addition of a new member – begin to flock around Kyuhyun, and Jongwoon does not need a genius to know that a considerable number of them had been  _his_  fans not too long ago. It is evident from the screams that immediately rise from the spectators whenever it is Kyuhyun’s turn to sing on stage. It is even more evident when he compares the volume of those screams to that of those that arise when  _he_  sings.  
   
The whole ordeal leaves a bitter taste in his mouth every time they finish a song and he ignores Kyuhyun’s eyes, which are filled with the hope that his hyungs are proud of him, each time they seek him out.  
   
He continues to ignore even though he knows that Kyuhyun still keeps looking.  
 

 

~***~

  
Kyuhyun has a hard time fitting in, Jongwoon notes.  
   
It takes several weeks for him to feel comfortable living with a bunch of other men; weeks for most of the other members to thaw out their cool attitudes towards Kyuhyun; and weeks for him to actually engage in skinship or any kind of physically affectionate relation with any of them without looking blatantly awkward.  
   
He gets there though.  
   
Jongwoon is not surprised that the first person around whom Kyuhyun completely relaxes is Ryeowook; he has been the one taking care of the maknae from the very beginning, after all. Then people like Donghae, Siwon and Hyukjae follow in Ryeowook’s footsteps, because it is just not in their nature to actually dislike someone without good reason, no matter how problematic the starting circumstances were. Eventually, the rest of them warm up to Kyuhyun as well. The maknae, once he starts opening up, shows himself to be mature, sarcastic and witty, yet caring towards all his hyungs and he wins their hearts one by one. Heechul, in particular, takes a liking to his snarky side – so similar to his own – and chaos tend to ensue when they gang up together.  
   
However, when it comes to Jungsu, Jongwoon sees that Kyuhyun takes an even longer time to stop walking on eggshells around him. But then again, the leader’s affection is not easily won by strangers. Not that Kyuhyun does not try. He never drops formalities when conversing with Jungsu, like the way he tends to while with some of the others, and the first time the leader publicly embraces him after a performance and proudly tells him he has done a good job, Jongwoon clearly sees the tears of joy that fill the maknae’s eyes.  
   
He notices a lot of things about Kyuhyun, he realises.  


 

~***~

   
In the beginning, it was easy to stay in the shadows and quietly observe Kyuhyun, keeping his less than warm feelings towards said boy locked in his heart, without ever encountering the need to initiate a conversation with him. With eleven other men to entertain and distract the younger, it hardly mattered that Jongwoon never bothered to interact with his dongsaeng if he could help it.  
   
He still doesn’t.  
   
But those easy days has come to an end. Finally – after weeks and months of getting to know his new family, growing to slowly like them, making himself at home, and establishing his position as a permanent part of Super Junior –  _finally_ Kyuhyun has come to notice that, from among his numerous hyungs, there is one with whom his relationship is almost nonexistent.  
   
Jongwoon really wishes that the rest of the group could have kept the maknae forever distracted and ignorant of this piece of reality.  
   
As a rule, Jongwoon cannot be bothered to give a damn what Kyuhyun thinks of him. As long as the maknae stays well away from him, he can be ... well, maybe not one hundred percent in high spirits as he is still frequently reminded of how considerably less popular he has become after Kyuhyun joined (and his popularity had not even been much to begin with), but without the boy constantly around, at least he can be somewhat content.  
   
Kyuhyun, however, does not make it that easy for him. Of course not.  
   
Jongwoon is not sure of exactly when Kyuhyun began with his sudden “approaches”, but they are quick to ascertain themselves as a permanent thorn in his side. He just simply turns up everywhere. It seems to Jongwoon that wherever he goes, whichever way he turns, whomever he seeks, Kyuhyun is the one he always runs into. Literally, sometimes.  
   
The second time he accidentally collides with Kyuhyun like this (after having abruptly turned around in the kitchen area, unaware of his dongsaeng standing right behind him), his nose crashes into the latter’s jaw and he actually bounces off him and falls painfully on his butt.  
   
‘ _Ow_! Yah, watch where you’re –!’ His words stop short when he realises who is in front of him.  
   
Kyuhyun is beside him in an instant, crouching down on his haunches as he anxiously reaches for his face. ‘Hyung, I’m so sorry! I didn’t think you’d ... oh no, you’re bleeding, I’m so –’  
   
Jongwoon tunes him out. Sharply turning his face away before his dongsaeng’s outstretched hand can touch him, he gingerly fingers his nose. There is blood smeared across his fingertips when he draws them away; the very sight of it seems to double the pain.  
   
A tissue appears out of nowhere and is very gently pressed against his philtrum – oh the irony – much to his surprise. It takes a moment for him to realise that Kyuhyun has retrieved the first aid kit from the medicine cabinet overhead and is now kneeling at his left side. He is still apologising.  
   
‘I’m really sorry, hyung, forgive me. I didn’t mean to –’  
   
‘The hell were you doing, creeping up on me?’ Jongwoon cuts across him, his voice sharp. The other’s endless stream of apologies is not something he is interested in hearing.  
   
Kyuhyun looks taken aback. Whether it is because of his accusation or tone of voice, the elder is unsure.  
   
He recovers quickly and begins, ‘I – I wasn’t sneaking up on you, hyung. I was just curious when I saw you here and, and, just ... looking over your shoulder and ...’ his voice trails off and he lowers his eyes and hand. A pink tinge lightly dusts his cheeks.  
   
Jongwoon eyes him silently, his gaze stony and acerbic. ‘I was making a sandwich,’ he states flatly. ‘You hung around behind me all that time just to see a sandwich?’  
   
‘No, I –! I just barely got here,’ the younger says defensively, looking up again.  
   
‘Do you make it a habit to hang over people’s backs so close that they break their nose on your face every time they turn around?’ The elder continues sarcastically. ‘This is the second time I’ve run into you.’ He vaguely remembers that, the first time he crashed into his dongsaeng, which had been at the agency, he had completely pretended that Kyuhyun did not exist and walked away before the other could even open his mouth to apologise.  
   
Kyuhyun is beginning to look defiant now, but then his gaze focuses on the blood that is issuing from Jongwoon’s nose again and his eyes soften with a look of guilt. ‘I’m sorry I hurt you, hyung,’ he says softly.  
   
‘Enough with the apologies,’ snaps Jongwoon. He fixes his eyes at a point above Kyuhyun’s left shoulder, heartily wishing that he was elsewhere. ‘Just stop, will you.’  
   
‘Does it hurt a lot? It doesn’t look broken...’  
   
‘It’s just a nosebleed, for God’s sake! Stop looking like you kicked a puppy to death. And put that first aid away; I’m not in need of a bloody operation or something.’  
   
They look at each other for a moment, not speaking. Then, oddly, Kyuhyun’s lips curve up in a small smile and his eyes begin to twinkle. Jongwoon blinks, mildly surprised.  
   
‘What are you laughing at?’ He asks suspiciously.  
   
‘Just ...’ The maknae’s smile slowly widens and he looks at Jongwoon through his lashes, appearing almost shy. ‘Well ... It’s not at all like how I envisioned it would take place, but ... well, it’s finally happened and I’m glad.’  
   
‘What the hell are you talking about?’  
   
‘Our first conversation. Just now.’  
   
The words are so stunning and out of the blue that Jongwoon’s mind goes blank for several seconds. He sits silently, unmoving, his back leaning against the kitchen cupboard behind him.  
   
Kyuhyun does not move, either. He continues to gaze into his hyung’s eyes, their faces barely a foot away. His lips are still turned up in a smile, and the whole situation unnerves Jongwoon. Because there is no sarcasm or mockery in Kyuhyun’s words; not a hint of duplicity. Just pure unadulterated sincerity. From his dongsaeng’s pleased smile to his warm, glowing eyes – the intense honesty and earnestness in them shake him.  
   
So does the truth Kyuhyun has just expressed. They  _haven’t_  conversed before. Not really. Whatever dialogue that existed between them before consisted only of short phrases that went along the lines of “Good morning, hyung” and the incomprehensible mutter or grunt Jongwoon would throw out when he was obliged to answer. They have not  _talked_.  
   
Until now.  
   
Jongwoon cannot think of anything to say in reply and his throat entirely closes up when Kyuhyun raises his hand and presses the tissue under his nose again. He leans in closer to his hyung as he mops the blood off his face, his gaze and concentration entirely focussed on his work. The elder begins to turn his head away, uncomfortable and perturbed by the proximity, but Kyuhyun gently catches hold of his chin, seemingly without thought.  
   
‘Don’t move,’ he murmurs and Jongwoon feels his warm breath fan his left cheek. He leans away slightly.  
   
Kyuhyun makes quick work of the blood around his nostrils, but then his stills, eyes locked on Jongwoon’s mouth. He half raises the tissue again, but one glance at the red stains already dirtying it changes his mind and he drops it to the floor. Before Jongwoon realises what is happening, he reaches for his face again and the next thing Jongwoon feels is a warm thumb smoothly swiping across his lips, presumably wiping off a drop of blood.  
   
He freezes at the unexpected touch. It feels strange and familiar and enticing all at once. Caring; almost tender.  
   
_Intimate._  
   
He abruptly swats the hand away. Without another word, he leaps to his feet and storms out of the kitchen, turning a deaf ear to Kyuhyun’s shocked and hurt call of, ‘Hyung!’  
   
The sandwich lies on the counter, forgotten (until, two hours later, Donghee and Hyukjae happen across it and promptly engage in a rock-paper-scissors fight over the unexpected snack. Donghee wins.).  
   
The next day, when Jongwoon emerges from his room, he is greeted with a tentative but hopeful ‘Morning, hyung. Coffee?’ from Kyuhyun that he pointedly ignores and strides out of the apartment, slamming the door shut without sparing the other a glance.  


 

~***~

  
He has made it clear enough to Kyuhyun; he does not want him anywhere near his person. He does not want to hold any conversations with him. He does not want any interaction between them at all. And that is something he honestly expected Kyuhyun to adhere to ever since he left him after the incident in the kitchen.  
   
But of course he is so royally screwed that things do not turn out that way. Why had he ever expected them to?  
   
Kyuhyun does not back off. On the contrary, it begins to feel as if he is actually trying to be even closer to Jongwoon, though he can think of no reason behind his dongsaeng’s sudden interest in him. So the boy has noticed that one particular hyung of his prefers to keep his distance. So what? How is that, in any way, an invitation to bridge the gap between them? Heck, why does Kyuhyun even  _want_  to bridge that gap? They have managed just fine, without spending any time together, to get through the first several months after Kyuhyun’s addition to the group.  What is there to gain by getting up close and personal  _now_?  
   
Whatever the reasons, Jongwoon cannot be bothered to investigate further. He simply wants Kyuhyun to leave him the heck alone.  
   
Kyuhyun does anything but.  
   
His actions are subtle, hardly noticeable even to the discerning eye. Ranging from gentle and mildly cheery greetings in the morning that Kyuhyun throws in Jongwoon’s direction when the members gather together for breakfast (and which Jongwoon can ignore and get away with in all the noisy hubbub), to little touches here and there – such as the bumping of shoulders when they pass each other, Jongwoon fiercely ignoring the other – Kyuhyun, somehow, always finds a way to approach him, acknowledge him. The gestures are so insignificant and inconsequential that Jongwoon is the only one who notices them. But then again, he notices everything about Kyuhyun. Especially now that the latter is actually trying to get his attention.  
   
He could have gone on happily ignoring Kyuhyun’s little invitations to interact, maintaining their negligible relationship at the current level of strangers living under one roof for the rest of his life, if not for two things.  
   
One: even after several weeks of this treatment, Kyuhyun refuses to give up, no matter how blatantly Jongwoon turns his back on him. And to make it worse, his efforts of approaching Jongwoon in any and every way possible are only increasing. His morning greetings are ever constant and sickeningly sincere, though he hardly receives a reply from his hyung. He occasionally leaves some coffee on the table ready for him, mostly on the days that Jongwoon gets up late (he finds this out from Hyukjae and immediately stops drinking any coffee unless it is made by himself only). And to top it off, Kyuhyun begins to take every available opportunity to stay by his side. Be it at a press conference, an interview, a variety show, anything; Jongwoon almost always finds the maknae beside him, almost closer than strictly necessary, close enough that he can feel the heat radiating off the other; and though he makes a point of never throwing a glance in his direction, he can feel his dongsaeng’s gaze on him, pleading and desperate to meet his eyes.  
   
It makes Jongwoon uncomfortable, angry and frustrated, though he exercises his patience and refuses to say anything. He wishes Kyuhyun would stop trying whatever he is trying to do. He particularly wishes the other would just stop  _looking_. What does he expect –  _want_  – to see so much in Jongwoon’s eyes that he doesn’t look away? Happiness? Joy? Pride? None of them are things Kyuhyun has ever brought him.  
   
It makes him even more uneasy that Kyuhyun punctuates these awkward situations with physical touches. The brief rubbing of shoulders, a deliberate bump of the elbows, or the sly brush of fingertips over his arm or thigh – they are easy to pass off as casual bromances that no one gives a second thought to. But Jongwoon cannot brush them off; not when Kyuhyun makes them feel so close, so intimate. Their relationship is nothing like that to warrant such nonchalant shows of affection. It is unwanted and alien.  
   
Jongwoon especially hates it when Kyuhyun stands beside him after performances, when they all line up together to take a bow. He hates, when it is time for them all to join hands, how Kyuhyun would wrap his long fingers around the inside of his forearm and slide his hand down until their palms connect. He hates how Kyuhyun would interlace their fingers together, slowly and deliberately, and refuse to let go even after the bow. Most of all, he hates that, when the members would sometimes exchange brief hugs afterwards, Kyuhyun would turn to him, face tentative and hopeful. And when Jongwoon pretends not to notice and tightly embrace the person on his other side, Kyuhyun would still hug him from behind, wrapping his arms lightly around his waist, pressing his torso to his back so that there’s nothing between them before letting go immediately afterwards.  
   
Jongwoon hates it that he cannot just push Kyuhyun away. Because the cameras are always in their faces and he has already gone through enough antis without the addition of Kyuhyun’s fans after his ass for mistreating their little baby.  
  
The second thing that makes it harder for Jongwoon to ignore Kyuhyun is Jungsu hyung. Whenever the former two are in the same room together, usually with other members present, Jungsu has begun throwing suspicious looks at Jongwoon. These instances increase in number with the passing of days and eventually evolve into narrow-eyed frowns and almost-glares that do not go missed. Within a fortnight of this treatment, Jongwoon finally understands:  
   
Jungsu, after so long, has finally sensed the cold atmosphere that exists between the two of them. As the leader and proclaimed umma of their family, he has come to note of Kyuhyun’s increasingly unsubtle pursuit of Jongwoon’s acknowledgement and the latter’s obvious lack of response.  
   
‘Is there something you want to tell me?’ He asks of Jongwoon one night, right before they all retire to bed. As he speaks, he throws a very pointed look at Kyuhyun, who is gaming on the computer.  
   
Jongwoon’s grip tightens around his mug of coffee and he gazes at his hyung for a long moment, slightly surprised, slightly irritated, and mostly just shaken.  
   
‘No,’ he replies tonelessly. He ignores Sungmin, who is in the armchair opposite him, and has been nondescriptly observing the two of them.  
   
‘I see,’ Jungsu says slowly; without making any more comments, he then walks away. Jongwoon sinks further down into the sofa. He can tell Jungsu does not believe him. And knowing Teukie-umma, this is not the last he will be hearing of the matter.  
   
His prediction comes true all too soon. Three days later, it is announced that, due to some strange jumble of circumstances (which Jungsu rattles off and Jongwoon absolutely fails to follow), Kyuhyun will be moving out of Ryeowook’s room.  
   
The leader fixes Jongwoon with a firm look that belies the smile that curves his mouth. ‘He’ll be sharing your room for the time being, Jongwoon. Make some space, yeah?’  
   
At once, Kyuhyun’s eyes swivel around to stare at him and Jongwoon fights down the desire to throw something – preferably the youngest or eldest member of SJ – out of the eleventh floor window.  
   
Well, shit.


	2. Roommates

There is a different kind of coldness hanging in the atmosphere when they are left alone together in Jongwoon’s room – now  _Jongwoon and Kyuhyun’s_  room – for the first time. It oozes off the walls, seeps in through the crack under the door, and creeps into their very skin, their hearts. It saturates the very air they breathe, pressing down on their lungs, and Jongwoon can almost taste the tenseness lacing it.  
   
Kyuhyun is a lanky figure standing awkwardly just inside the closed door where Jungsu has left him a minute ago, his luggage by his feet. He has made no other move to venture further into the small room, but his eyes wander, almost erratically, taking in the unfamiliar surroundings for what seems like a lifetime before he allows his gaze to land on Jongwoon, who is standing stiffly by the closet, arms folded and not speaking. Their eyes meet for the first time since Kyuhyun was ushered in by the leader and, as Jongwoon notes how the other’s gaze immediately stills and focuses entirely on him, it strikes him that this is also the first time they have ended up alone with each other ever since the collision in the kitchen.  
   
Kyuhyun’s eyes are unwavering and piercing as he looks at him. It is the same way he has always looked at Jongwoon, from the moment he truly noticed him – a fusion of intensity and nervousness swimming in the dark depths of his eyes, forever highlighted by that spark of goddamned  _hope_  – no matter how many times the other has ignored it. It is the one that Jongwoon feels boring a hole through his back when they are in the same room, on the same show, sharing the same stage; the one that makes him feel like he is being taken apart, layer by layer, until there is nothing shielding his soul from Kyuhyun and those accursed pleading, longing eyes of him.  
   
He hates how Kyuhyun makes him feel.  
   
The maknae takes an uncertain step further into the room – towards Jongwoon – at the same moment that the elder opens his mouth to speak. They both halt.  
   
Another long, awkward minute passes by, both waiting for the other to make the first move. Kyuhyun lowers his eyes to somewhere around Jongwoon’s knees and says nothing. There’s a pink flush on his cheeks, far too prominent against the pale hue of his skin. His fingers contract and flex a couple of times and his black fringe falls into his eyes, hiding the emotions whirling in them, of which Jongwoon has caught just a glimpse. There has been embarrassment in them.  
   
And fear. Almost.  
   
For the barest second, the coldness on Jongwoon’s face falters. But only just.  
   
‘Bed or floor?’  
   
His dongsaeng’s head snaps up. ‘What?’  
   
‘Do you want the bed or the floor?’ He repeats tonelessly, eyes narrowing.  
   
Kyuhyun looks thrown at the unprecedented question. He glances around the room again, a little perplexed, taking in the single bed by the window.  
   
Apart from the closet, a shelf and two cupboards, one of which serves as a stand to a turtle tank, the place is bare, mostly because there hardly is enough space to squeeze in any more furniture, let alone a second bed. This is the main reason why Jongwoon actually likes his room. It is not unnecessarily luxurious, but homely and just  _enough_. Unlike most of the other members that share the larger rooms with two boys to each, he in his small sanctuary has never had to share his mess or anyone else’s.  
   
Until now, of course. He silently curses Jungsu again.  
   
‘Well?’ He frowns at Kyuhyun’s silence.  
   
‘I ... don’t want to cause you any trouble. I couldn’t take your bed from you, hyung.’  
   
‘Suit yourself,’ returns Jongwoon coolly and flops down on the mattress and returns to the lyrics he has been memorising. Out of the corner of his eyes, he spies the surprise –  _hurt?_  – that flashes across his dongsaeng’s face at his indifference.  
   
The door opens right then and Jungsu walks in again, followed by Sungmin and Donghae. While the leader happily tells them that one of their manager hyungs has ordered a futon to be delivered within the next couple of days for Kyuhyun, Jongwoon politely pretends to listen. His attention is locked more on Sungmin, though, who is looking carefully between him and Kyuhyun. Donghae, meanwhile, has bounded in and has his arm flung around the maknae’s neck, grinning wildly (and possibly high on sugar).  
   
‘So, is everything settled?’ Jungsu finishes and looks expectantly at Kyuhyun. The youngest boy nods as he returns Donghae’s one-armed hug; the smile on his lips is tired and strained. Jungsu immediately notices this and his eyes fill with concern.  
   
‘Have you come to an agreement on sleeping arrangements until they bring in the futon?’ he asks, in a lower voice than earlier.  
   
This time, an abrupt, uncomfortable silence falls around them at his simple question. Jongwoon’s fingers tighten slightly on the lyric sheet; he can see Kyuhyun’s shoulders tensing.  
   
‘I’ll just sleep on the floor,’ the maknae says finally, and attempts another smile at Jungsu. His hyung, however, frowns at Jongwoon and the latter cannot help thinking that it seems almost accusing. Even Donghae’s grin has slowly disappeared.  
   
Jongwoon lowers his papers. ‘It was his choice,’ he says, quiet and composed. Defensive.  
   
‘Jongwoon...’ Jungsu begins and this time, his voice is tinged with what sounds like disappointment. ‘This – it’s not –’  
   
‘No, it’s true,’ Kyuhyun interrupts suddenly. ‘I didn’t want to take the bed from hyung, so it’s OK.  _Really_ ,’ he adds, almost pleading and meets Jongwoon’s wide eyes.  
   
‘But,’ Jungsu begins, upset and disapproving when Sungmin suddenly puts in,  
   
‘Why don’t you two just  _share_  the bed?’  
   
Everyone falls silent again, turning to gape at Sungmin who smirks. ‘It’s big enough,’ he shrugs, and Donghae nods his head vigorously in sudden agreement.  
   
‘No,’ Jongwoon says at last. He studies Sungmin warily; there is something about the innocent expression on his face that makes him uneasy. ‘It’s not.’  
   
‘What, yes, it is!’ exclaims Donghae and proceeds to follow this up with a demonstration by running full pelt at Jongwoon and literally pouncing onto the bed. His hyung quickly scrambles sideways until he hits the wall so as not to be crushed under the flying Fish. Laughing, Donghae tugs on his arm so that Jongwoon is lying down properly and snuggles up to him, making himself comfortable.  
   
‘See? You can totally share!’ He says brightly, shooting a brilliant smile at the elder.  
   
Jongwoon looks down bemusedly at the boy lying against him. Normally, he is quite affectionate with most of his dongsaengs, and when it comes to hugging, chaste kisses and just skinship in general, Donghae is definitely one of his favourite victims; so, as a rule, the current situation and Donghae’s proximity should not bother him. But, in that moment, all that he can picture in his mind is Kyuhyun lying beside him, body pressed to his side, hand wrapped around his elbow, his head on his shoulder and those dark eyes, fervent and earnest, turned up to gaze at him –  and that ... just...  
   
He sits up, pulling his arm free from Donghae’s lax grasp. He can hear Sungmin and Jungsu muffling their laughter, amused at their antics. On Kyuhyun’s end, there is nothing but silence.  
   
‘He can have the bed,’ Jongwoon says quietly, not looking at them.  
   
‘What –’ someone begins to say, but Jongwoon cuts sharply across them, ‘I said he can have the bed!’ and that’s that. No one tries to say anything again.  
 

~***~

   
Jongwoon shuts down his brain for the remainder of the day. He attends to the activities, both group and solo, puts extra effort in pretending that Kyuhyun does not exist whenever they end up together in the same four-walled space, and goes out for dinner and drinks with the rest of the group after a successful talk show, after which he helps the sober minority to heave the drunk members out of the restaurant and back to the vans.  
   
Back at the dorms, Siwon’s skinship mode switches on and Jongwoon joins him in kissing most (or more specifically, just eleven) of the members goodnight. He laughs in amusement when the majority pretend to dislike it and persists to the very end. He has just ensnared a protesting Hyukjae, who has been trying to ninja himself out of the situation, and pressed his lips against his temple, when he witnesses Siwon capturing Kyuhyun not three feet away from them. The maknae chuckles indulgently as Siwon envelops him in a rib-crushing hug, but then his eyes find Jongwoon over the other man’s shoulder.  
   
Kyuhyun’s smile dims and in that moment, Jongwoon finds himself inexplicably unable to turn away from him. The spark in Kyuhyun’s eyes has faded and he stares unabashedly at the sight of his hyung kissing their Jewel Guy.  
   
Jongwoon drops his gaze and relinquishes Hyukjae, giving him a small smile that takes up far too much effort than it should have. Hyukjae begins to mock-complain about the non-existent saliva all over his brows, but none of it registers because Jongwoon’s thoughts are frozen on the one emotion he has just seen on Kyuhyun’s countenance:  
   
Yearning.  
   
This time, his brain refuses to shut down despite his best efforts. Kyuhyun’s face lingers at the front of his mind. Even the few seconds of a drunken Heechul latching onto him from behind and drooling all over his shoulder until he is rescued by SJ’s dual martial artists serve only as a temporary distraction before thoughts of the maknae return in full force.  
   
It becomes worse when they all finally retire to their respective floors and rooms. Jongwoon stops dead in his doorway and stares as Kyuhyun carefully spreads a couple of blankets on the floor, as far away from the bed as the space allows. The younger boy senses his presence and looks up, freezing in his actions.  
   
Jongwoon steps in and quickly closes the door, in case Jungsu or anyone that may be hanging back sees what is happening inside.  
   
‘I told you to take the bed –’ he begins to hiss, his tone a mixture of surprise, suspicion and unnecessary harshness, but is interrupted.  
   
‘I don’t want to.’  
   
Kyuhyun straightens and advances on him, meeting his gaze head on. The room is dark, save for the dim street light that is filtering through the windows and Jongwoon cannot make out the emotion that is glinting in his eyes. For the first time, he feels a tinge of alarm and automatically recoils when the maknae invades his personal bubble, leaning very deliberately towards him, close enough that he can smell the other’s faint cologne and traces of soju. But when their torsos are bare inches from touching, his dongsaeng simply reaches around him, his arm ever so slightly brushing against Jongwoon’s hip, and there is a soft  _click_  as he locks their door.  
   
‘Teukie hyung and the others don’t have to know about it,’ he says, very quietly and withdraws his hand.  
   
For a moment, neither of them moves and Kyuhyun watches him with those same unreadable eyes. Something indefinable flashes across his face before he finally turns and returns to his blankets, and Jongwoon releases a breath he has not realised he had been holding.  
   
Not another word is exchanged as Jongwoon hastily changes into his pyjamas and Kyuhyun curls up on the blankets, facing away from the bed and using his folded up jacket as a makeshift pillow. Jongwoon finds it hard to take his eyes off the boy as he finally sits down on his mattress, the soft groan of the bedsprings spreading through the deep silence. He cannot understand Kyuhyun, he muses. He cannot understand what the other thinks, what he does and, perhaps most of all, why he does them.  
   
Why should – no, why  _is_  Kyuhyun treating him any better than  _he_ treats him?  
   
 _What is it that you want so much from me?_  
   
The window is open and a soft wind blows in, ruffling Jongwoon’s hair and making the curtains billow out into the room. The air is cool, almost chilly, and he wraps his arms around himself, his mind buzzing with confusion and his eyes still locked on the maknae. Apart from the two blankets underneath him, Kyuhyun has covered himself up only with a thin sheet that he probably dug up from one of the cupboards. Jongwoon does not think that the little shivers and tremors he can spy on Kyuhyun’s silent form is his imagination.  
   
It is only after fishing out two thick quilts from the bottom of his closet and flinging them over the boy that Jongwoon allows himself to slip into bed, deliberately turning to face the wall and squeezing his eyes shut. Let sleep take him quickly, he begs silently, wishing to drown out everything in his mind.  
   
Sometime later, just when he is on the brink of oblivion, he fancies he hears the faint creak of floorboards and the slight dip in the mattress as a weight settles beside him. There is a rush of hot air by his ear, a soft murmur that invades his dreams, ‘Hyung ... thank you ...’, and he imagines the gentle brush of warm, moist skin on his jawbone before everything disappears again.  
   
It is not real, some part of his mind reassures him, but right then there is a faint tremor in the air, a ghost of a whisper and the last thing that reaches him just before he gives himself over to sleep is,  
   
 _‘Saranghae, hyung.’_  
 

~***~

   
It becomes routine, as does almost everything that concerns the both of them.  
   
Every morning, an alarm clock that Kyuhyun winds up the previous night goes off, shooting Jongwoon out of bed (literally, sometimes), while the maknae continues to snore into his quilts, blissfully oblivious to the world around him. As they both need to wake up more or less around the same time, it should not really bother the elder, but the sight of Kyuhyun sleeping soundly through the shrill alarm while it wakes  _him_  up annoys him to no end.  
   
The first few mornings, he seriously considers just leaving the boy and letting someone like Hyukjae or Donghae spank him awake, but that will be counter-productive, he knows. After all, the whole point of locking their door every night is to prevent the others from getting wind of the true nature of their “sleeping arrangements”, thus making them (more?) suspicious of the relationship between the two of them.  
   
Or, God forbid, Jungsu throwing a fit over Kyuhyun  _still_  sleeping on the floor, though Jongwoon wonders how it can be  _his_ fault since the maknae made the decision all on his own.  
   
So, resigned to the fact that there is no other choice, he grudgingly wakes the boy himself, either with a shake/slap/kick or a yell to get up, depending on his mood (that is, whether his mood permits him to touch Kyuhyun, or to speak to him). He leaves the room as soon as the younger drags himself to his feet and finishes his morning coffee and breakfast well before Kyuhyun arrives at the dining table. Then, on the days they have group activities, he tries to avoid sharing the same car or van with him.  
   
He  _tries_.  
   
On the days that Kyuhyun is hell-bent on being close to him – which is, uh, everyday – Jongwoon mostly fails at avoiding him and often finds himself squished between Kyuhyun and another member. He spends the entire ride hypersensitive of every inch of the younger boy’s body that is in contact with his, from his shoulder to his leg. But mostly, he is aware of Kyuhyun’s hand, Kyuhyun’s fingers; more often than not, he can feel them brushing against his thigh, almost like a caress. Slight, sly, but deliberate.  
   
Always deliberate.  
   
It is not something new. Kyuhyun has touched him like this before. But it still sets him on edge every time, these subtly daring ways in which his dongsaeng is incessantly trying to establish a closeness, an acknowledgement, a relationship, a _something_  between them.  
   
His attempts are no longer limited to physicality, either. Sharing a room means unavoidable time spent together and Kyuhyun, Jongwoon finds, is not afraid to take advantage of that. There arises the occasional moment when Kyuhyun tries to start a conversation with him, coax an answer out of him, or try to get any reaction at all. Jongwoon, in usual fashion, does not take him up on these invitations, bestowing no more attention on the younger boy than he would on a dust mite, but as disheartening as his attitude evidently is to his dongsaeng, there are no signs of surrender or giving up. Not a day goes by without at least one (failed) ice breaker from the persistent maknae and every night Jongwoon goes to sleep with the softly spoken, ‘Good night, hyung’ reverberating in his ears.  
   
At one point, Jongwoon begins to avoid his room altogether, entering it only to sleep or hurriedly feed his little land turtle. He has lost what has once been his sanctuary; it no longer offers him any peace of mind, plagued as he is by a teenage boy who is better, more talented and gifted than him in every department imaginable, but can never seem to stop pursuing him for reasons unfathomable. Cho Kyuhyun is creeping his way into everything, from his room to his personal space; from his waking thoughts to his life.  
   
And there is nothing Jongwoon can do to stop it. Nothing short of blowing up at Kyuhyun or physically shoving him away, both of which will draw unwanted attention ... As it is, the two of them have already begun to draw a lot of attention.  
   
‘So, what the heck is going on behind that closed door of yours every night, eh?’  
   
The question is shocking and Jongwoon and Kyuhyun both snap their heads around at Youngwoon, gaping at him across the dining table, chopsticks suspended over their plates.  
   
Youngwoon flashes a wolfish grin at them. ‘This morning marks the fourth time I tried to walk in to find Jongwoonie hyung and found the door locked. Again.’  
   
There is an immediate smattering of snickers and smirks from around the table, including one low but vulgar catcall and Jongwoon finds himself frozen to his seat, mouth hanging open.  
   
‘What the hell, Kangin!’ He manages finally.  
   
Laughing, Youngwoon leans over to clap Kyuhyun on the shoulder. ‘Nice catch you bagged for yourself there, kiddo. Well done. I’m almost jealous.’  
   
Kyuhyun blushes to the roots of his hair and Jongwoon throws his chopsticks at Youngwoon, ignoring the guffaws and huge grins of Donghee, Hyukjae, Sungmin, Hangeng and Ryeowook. ‘Woon, I know we’re close, but there’s a limit to teasing –!’  
   
Before he can finish, Heechul starts up from the other end of the table, smirking lazily, ‘Are you guys kidding? All the ladies Kyuhyunnie coulda gone for and he chose  _Jongwoon_? Standards, kid,  _standards_.’  
   
‘Shut up, Heebongie.’ Jongwoon scowls.  
   
‘You could’ve gone for  _me_ , Kyu, but – the rabid mutt? Really?’ Heechul is obviously enjoying himself, more so at the sight of his victims’ flushed faces and embarrassed eyes.  
   
‘Goes to show that our maknae at least has the  _right_  kind of standards by not choosing you, then,’ remarks Hangeng out of the blue, hiding a smile.  
   
‘Yea – WHAT? The hell, dude! And I thought you freakin’ couldn’t speak Korean well?!’  
   
‘Hyung!’ Jongwoon exclaims at the same time, mortified and irritated at once.  
   
‘They’re just messing with you, Jongwoon,’ Hangeng tells him, smiling kindly.  
   
‘Though I really want to why you lock your door,’ says Youngwoon, crocking a brow. ‘You never did it before, hyung. What do you two do at night that is so secretive?’  
   
‘We sleep,’ snaps Jongwoon, reaching for the coffee pot.  
   
‘Together?’ supplies Hyukjae mischievously.  
   
‘On the same bed,’ adds Sungmin with a laugh and Ryeowook begins to giggle hysterically.  
   
‘No!’  
   
Kyuhyun pokes at his food with his chopsticks, not looking up once.  
   
‘C’mon, spill, what’s the big secret?’ Youngwoon asks persistently. Beside him, Donghee too has finally turned away from the food, eyes alive with curiosity.  
   
‘I told you –’ Jongwoon begins exasperatedly.  
   
‘We lock the door to prevent any wild animals, such as rabid  _raccoons_  that run amok in the night, from gate crashing while we sleep,’ Kyuhyun speaks up for the first time and looks directly at Youngwoon, lips pulling up in a sweet smile. ‘So far, our strategy has prevented the biggest  _raccoon_  of them all from intruding four times in a row. It works well, no?’  
   
The broad-shouldered man blinks before an amused grin splits his face. ‘Well played. I’m not convinced, though.’  
   
Kyuhyun shrugs. ‘Like hyung said, we sleep.’  
   
‘Together,’ Hyukjae repeats his earlier word, clutching his stomach as he bursts into laughter again. Beside him, Sungmin manages to choke out, ‘On the same bed’ before joining in the hysterics.  
   
‘Oh, just leave them alone,’ Donghee rolls his eyes and promptly returns to his breakfast.  
   
Ryeowook just shakes his head and comments laughingly, ‘Sorry, Yesungie hyung, Kyuhyunnie. But seriously, you two make it so easy.’ Grinning, he reaches to pinch their identically reddened cheeks. ‘So adorable together, both of you.’  
   
Jongwoon puts his mug down, having had enough. Pushing away from the table, he stalks out of the apartment, leaving the rest of the members snickering and rolling their eyes. Kyuhyun watches him leave, his eyes dark and downcast. He looks down at his unfinished plate and sighs, unaware of a certain pair of bright eyes that switches between him and the disappearing figure of Jongwoon, their depths filled with comprehension and concern.  
 

~***~

   
‘It’s nice out, isn’t it, hyung?’  
   
Surprised, Jongwoon looks behind him to find Sungmin approaching him on the balcony. It is one of those rare nights when he actually finished work early; he had thought he was the only one home.  
   
With a small smile, Sungmin joins him and leans on the railing, breathing in the cool air and taking in the lighted windows of Seoul that spreads out before them. Jongwoon clears his throat a little and shifts from one foot to another. He and Sungmin are not exactly the closest of friends and, at times like these when they are alone together, Jongwoon never knows what to say.  
   
‘Why do you treat him like that, hyung?’  
   
The unprecedented question takes him by surprise and Jongwoon stares at his dongsaeng, who has turned to look at him with earnest eyes.  
   
‘W-what?’  
   
‘Kyuhyun,’ Sungmin clarifies and a wall seems to form between them at the very word.  
   
‘Oh.’  
   
‘Why do you treat him like that?’  
   
Jongwoon looks away, pretending to study the lights of cars flying by in the distance. ‘Do I treat him in any special way?’  
   
‘It’s cruel, you know.’  
   
Their eyes meet again and this time, there is a frostiness that hangs over their heads. Sungmin’s eyes are firm as he gazes at Jongwoon and the latter’s own narrows in return as they almost glare at each other.  
   
‘What are you trying to say?’  
   
‘You should really be kinder to him.’  
   
‘Have I ever done anything cruel to Kyuhyun?’ snaps Jongwoon. ‘I have never laid a finger on him, nor have I ever said anything to him!’  
   
‘That’s exactly it. You don’t ever say anything to him.’ Sungmin’s tone has softened and he lowers his eyes. ‘You ... you treat him like he doesn’t exist, hyung. It’s better if you had even shouted or yelled at him. I think ... I think that would have been a lot less hurtful than what you’re doing to him now.’  
   
Silence reigns over them for a long minute. Jongwoon is speechless; a part of him cannot believe he is having this conversation, and that too with Sungmin of all people. Another part is struggling with a wrenching feeling in his gut. He finds it a little hard to breathe, all of a sudden.  
   
‘What do you want?’ He finally mutters, looking down at his shoes.  
   
‘It’s more about what Kyuhyun wants, I think,’ says Sungmin quietly. ‘He wants your attention, Jongwoon hyung. He wants your affection. He wants to know that you care, at least a little...’  
   
There is a bitterness in Jongwoon’s smile as he looks over the balcony railing again. ‘And why does he want that? He has all of you, doesn’t he? He has all of you and the entire world fawning over and showering him with love and affection. What more does he want?’  
   
Sungmin smiles slightly. ‘You’re right.’ He turns to walk back inside, pausing only to say seriously, ‘But what point and meaning is there to having the whole world when you can’t have the one you want?’


	3. The Storm

Jongwoon does not know for how long he remains on the balcony after Sungmin leaves. His hands, hanging over the side of the railing, are trembling slightly and he leans against the parapet for support, feeling like his knees will give out if he lets go. His eyes are firmly locked on the Seoul skyline, seemingly gazing at the heavy clouds that have been gathering from earlier that night unbeknownst to him, but he cannot see a thing. He cannot hear a thing. He feels numb and empty, inside and out, and all that comes back to him is an echo of Sungmin’s solemn voice,  
   
 _‘But what point and meaning is there to having the whole world when you can’t have the one you want?’_  
   
One sentence and it contains so much more than he can handle. Deep and heavy with profound implications, it bears more significance than Jongwoon ever wants to comprehend and it weighs down on him more ominously than the massing rainclouds. The atmosphere suddenly feels clogged up and he has to force the humid air into his lungs, feeling his hands shake even more as the wind builds up around the tall buildings. A low rumble of thunder reaches his ears.  
   
He no longer knows what to think. He wants to brush it aside; fool himself into believing that the words were just that: words. But he cannot and they are not.  
   
 _I ... I just don’t know anymore_.  
   
The storm unleashes itself upon Seoul with a fiery zeal that takes the pedestrians below with surprise. Jagged lines of lightening illuminate the turbulent skies and the heavens weep, showering heavy drops of icy rain upon them which are tossed about by the gales of wind that blow over the city. Jongwoon shivers, but it has less to do with the chill soaking through into his very bones and more with the turmoil in his mind, which seems far more vehement and violent than the storm raging around him.  
   
Hours pass, or maybe just mere seconds, he does not know. All feeling and awareness have left him until, at last, a pair of hands grabs his arm, accompanied by the sound of someone shouting in his ear and, before he realises it, he has been dragged back into shelter and warmth.  
   
‘What do you think you were doing, standing out in the rain like that!’  
   
Jongwoon blinks, eyes focussing on two people standing in front of him. ‘... Ryeowook? Hyukjae?’  
   
‘ _Now_  he hears us,’ the latter mutters with a barely concealed roll of the eye as he lets go of Jongwoon’s arm and quickly closes the door leading out to the balcony. Beside him, Ryeowook is staring, eyes filled with concern.  
   
‘Hyung...? Are you OK?’  
   
‘You look like a drowned rat,’ Hyukjae adds bluntly.  
   
Jongwoon lets out a shaky breath and looks down at his feet. He is dripping water all over the wooden floorboards. Vaguely, he registers that he should probably mop that up before someone slips and breaks their neck.  
   
‘Yah, hyung.’ Seeing his silence and perturbed face, Hyukjae’s expression melts into one of trepidation. He places a hand on his shoulder. ‘What’s wrong? Why were you out there all this time?’  
   
Silence.  
   
‘Did ... did Sungmin hyung ... come to talk with you?’  
   
The shock burns through Jongwoon like electricity sizzling along his veins and he jerks up to gape at Ryeowook. ‘Wha - what ... how did you –!’  
   
Before he can properly get his jumbled thoughts together, let alone his tongue around the words, the door to the apartment is flung open and Jungsu comes striding in, followed by an irritated-looking Heechul.  
   
‘Has Kyuhyun come back yet?’ demands the leader without preamble.  
   
‘No idea. Wookie and I got back just now. Hyung?’ Hyukjae looks questioningly at Jongwoon.  
   
‘I ... I don’t know,’ he mutters, feeling disoriented. It is just too much; there are too many things mixed up in his head – Kyuhyun, Sungmin and now even Ryeowook – and he cannot make head or tail of anything. ‘I – I didn’t hear him come in, I think.’  
   
‘That ain’t saying much, hyung; you didn’t hear  _us_  screaming at you, either,’ Hyukjae points out rather sarcastically, while Ryeowook runs to look in the bedrooms.  
   
‘He’s not here yet,’ he announces, walking back into the living room. ‘Sungmin hyung’s back, though; sleeping.’  
   
Jungsu’s face falls and Jongwoon recognises the familiar look of a distressed umma.  
   
‘Kyuhyun’s manager just called,’ he says, beginning to pace up and down rapidly, audibly trying to keep his voice in control. ‘They finished his recording session two hours ago and Kyuhyun wanted to meet up with some friend and told the manager he’d come back on his own and now the manager hyung can’t contact Kyuhyun – they can’t get a signal in this storm and he doesn’t know where he is –’  
   
‘Jungsu –  _Jungsu_ ,’ snaps Heechul, grabbing the frantic man by the shoulders and giving him a shake. ‘Calm down, will you. It’s barely midnight. It’s too early to panic.’  
   
‘ _Barely midnight_? He’s supposed to have finished his schedules by ten tonight!’  
   
‘He said he’s meeting up with someone.’ Heechul points out, rolling his eyes.  
   
‘But there’s a storm and we can’t call him and we don’t know where he is –’  
   
‘He’s a big boy, Jungsu. He ain’t incapable of taking care of himself.’  
   
‘But –’ Jungsu begins, looking both angry and helpless, when Hyukjae suddenly supplies meekly,  
   
‘I think ... Heechul hyung is right. I mean,’ he hastens to add when all eyes turn to him, ‘if he’s hanging out with a friend, he’d obviously stay out till much later, don’t you think? And if they got caught in this rain, they’d just take shelter and wait it out...’  
   
‘Ah, see! Even the anchovy has better sense than you,’ Heechul tells Jungsu with a grin and cuffs Hyukjae roughly albeit playfully around the head. His dongsaeng rubs at the point of abuse with an, ‘Ow’, but his lips pull up in a small, shy grin.  
   
Jungsu wrings his hands a little before breathing in deeply and finally nodding, accepting their logic with obvious reluctance. Heechul claps him on the shoulder and begins to lead him outside again.  
   
‘Honestly, you’re like an ahjumma, worrying your head off. How do you expect to be even half as beautiful as me with all those worry lines?’  
   
‘But Kyuhyun –’  
   
‘ _Will_  turn up,’ Heechul finishes for him firmly. He looks back over his shoulder and barks, ‘Oi! The moment that brat drags his sorry ass back in here, y’all are giving us a call, a’right? So that umma can get her panties outta that knot and I can actually get some sleep without him whining in my ear.’  
   
‘Hyung,’ ventures Ryeowook nervously. ‘What if Kyuhyun ...  _is_  in trouble?’  
   
The two eldest men freeze. Slowly, Jungsu turns, his blank face belying the anxiety in his eyes. ‘If Kyuhyun doesn’t come back in an hour, call us.’  
   
‘So that we can set a freakin’ search party of carnivorous Alsatians after that silly idiot,’ growls Heechul and snaps the door shut behind them.  
   
There is a pause and then Ryeowook exhales slowly. ‘Wow ... they’re worried. Even Heechul hyung.’  
   
‘He really might be just partying with an old friend ...’ Hyukjae murmurs, though there is a flicker of doubt in his eyes.  
   
‘Yeah, but in this weather ... of course it’s worrying if they can’t reach him. Maybe we should try calling him, too...’  
   
They stay like that for a few more minutes, the two of them murmuring together and coming to the conclusion that all of them will set their alarm and check for Kyuhyun within an hour and that, as Jongwoon is sharing a room with him, it will be up to him to alert Jungsu if –  _when,_ Hyukjae insists with harsh desperation – the maknae comes back. Jongwoon lets them make the decisions on their own; he has not said a single word after having answered Jungsu’s question earlier and, when his dongsaengs finally retire to their bedrooms after bidding him goodnight and advising him to change out of his wet clothes at once, he cannot find the voice to answer and silently walks off.  
   
His room is dark, silent and feels strangely empty – almost hollow – when he enters it. He dries himself and changes into his pyjamas methodically, with slow, precise movements. He concentrates on the softness of the towel as he wipes it through his hair, the familiarity of his night clothes as he pulls them on, and the warmth of his sheets as he burrows himself under them. He lays on his back, staring blankly at the rivulets of water running down the closed window and listening to the amplified sound of his own heartbeat that somehow manages to reach his eyes even through the orchestra of the storm.  
   
But a person can lock out his thoughts, his heart, for only so long and before he knows it, everything has come back flooding to the front of his mind, overwhelming him again.  
   
 _Kyuhyun_.  
   
Is he out in the rain? Has something happened? Why hasn’t he come back yet?  
   
Jongwoon groans inwardly, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose.  
   
All these long months, he has successfully avoided thinking too deeply into the matter of their maknae, though it has always been on his mind; a permanent thorn in his side. His feelings have been clear to him the whole time: Kyuhyun is the threat, the danger, the rival. He is in possession of all the looks, talents and gifts desirable in an ideal idol, whereas the only thing Jongwoon has going for him is his voice, and even that, he fears, pales in comparison to the set of pipes Kyuhyun has been blessed with. Whenever he hears his dongsaeng belt out that beautiful voice, he finds himself doubting his own worth as the lead vocalist of Super Junior, as the possessor of the art-like voice, as  _Yesung_.  
   
Kyuhyun’s presence puts everything in jeopardy, for how is Jongwoon supposed to advance as far in his career as he dreams of, if he is forever to be stuck in Cho Kyuhyun’s shadow?  
   
His initial reaction to Kyuhyun was primitive, merely instinct. He had wanted to separate himself from the other as much as possible, perhaps in a pathetic parody of being in his own limelight and not Kyuhyun’s, or just an infantile hope that if he pretended for long enough that the maknae was not there, he’d go away. Or something. He is not sure anymore. He had only known that there was not a fibre of his being that welcomed the boy – either as a dongsaeng or as a colleague – and he had followed through with that feeling, cutting off any possible interactions between them. Nothing has deterred him, not even Kyuhyun’s persistent approaches.  
   
Jongwoon closes his eyes, mouth twisting in a grimace. He has occasionally  _wondered_  why Kyuhyun is so adamant on pursuing him despite the coldness he has always expressed towards the younger, but he has never tried to analyse Kyuhyun’s reasons before. He has never really wanted to find out.    
   
 _You’re afraid to find out._  
   
Then he had had that one conversation with Sungmin and now, the thoughts refuse to leave him alone. Jongwoon runs a hand through his hair, his mind running over the sharp dialogue that had ensued between them.  
   
 _‘It’s cruel, you know.’_  
   
Cruel. It is a heavy word, not to be used lightly and with much at stake. Has he really been cruel to Kyuhyun? Truly _cruel_?  
   
His defences begin to build up, automatically fighting against the accusation. He has never, not once – not even during his most frustrated moments when he was struck by just how inadequate he is next to Kyuhyun – touched him physically with the intention of causing harm. Nor has he ever raised his voice at the maknae; he has never shouted at him, insulted him or verbally put him down in any way. He has avoided Kyuhyun altogether...  
   
But  _that_ , Sungmin had said, is the point. Jongwoon’s avoidance, his aloofness and coldness, his complete and utter disregard for the maknae – that is the cruelty, he had said.  
   
Why is it a problem now? Jongwoon mentally screams at the ceiling. It has always been that way, hasn’t it, from the very beginning. He did not break the ice with Kyuhyun on the boy’s first day at the dorms and nothing about his behaviour towards the maknae has changed. It has only become something of notice, an actual issue, after Kyuhyun started approaching  _him_.  
   
And that is leading him right back to the question he has avoided trying to answer.  
   
 _What do you want, Kyuhyun? What is your motive?_  
   
 _‘He wants your attention, Jongwoon hyung. He wants your affection. He wants to know that you care...’_  
   
Who is Sungmin to know anything of this, he wonders with a momentary scowl, but he cannot keep up the facade any longer and all the little things Kyuhyun keeps doing almost every day come rushing back to him. Kyuhyun’s greetings that never receive a reply, the insistent stares that are never met, the strained conversation starters that never go anywhere, the daring but gentle touches that are never returned, the physical closeness that is never welcomed – every single thing Kyuhyun does around him is coated and dripping with a plea for attention. Jongwoon’s attention.  
   
It has always been so obvious; as clear as day. Jongwoon had simply refused to notice it. He had tried so hard that ignoring it became easy.  
   
Because to acknowledge it means to accept it; and accepting it means making it something real, something they shared. Jongwoon had not wanted anything to exist between him and Kyuhyun.  
   
And then Sungmin had waltzed right in and driven everything he had been pretending not to notice straight home.  
   
Why, though? All that attention for what? To win his affection? Wasn’t that what Sungmin had said? That Kyuhyun wants his affection?  
   
He recalls the way he often catches (and then ignores) Kyuhyun looking at him, with nervousness in his dark eyes that poorly veil a perpetual spark of hope, a longing, a desire for  _something_  that Jongwoon has never been able to put his finger on. There is always something in his gaze that makes Jongwoon uncomfortable and edgy, makes him want to run away.  
   
This train of thought suddenly leads him to remembering, with startling clarity, the expression he spied on Kyuhyun’s face on their first night of sharing a room together. When they had returned to the dorms with more than half the members drunk, and he and Siwon began to give everyone they could get their hands on a goodnight kiss ... when Jongwoon had kissed everyone but the maknae ... when Kyuhyun had seen him kissing Hyukjae in front of him, seeing Jongwoon being so genuinely affectionate with another...  
   
 _Yearning_. That was what he had seen on Kyuhyun’s face at that moment. Yearning and hurt.  
   
The bed sheets suddenly feel suffocative, as if they are strangling him and Jongwoon sits up abruptly, releasing a shaky breath. He casts his eyes around the room, listening to the sound of pelting rain. His gaze lands on the luminous hands of Kyuhyun’s alarm clock on one of the cupboards. Half past twelve. Half an hour more before Jungsu and Heechul supposedly release their promised search party to look for Kyuhyun and he is still not back.  
   
 _Where is that boy?_  Jongwoon feels something in the pit of his stomach, like a tightening rope around his gut. He has been feeling it from the moment Jungsu had brought Kyuhyun’s absence to their attention.  
   
Jongwoon swallows thickly. He does not want to know what that might mean.  
   
He glances out of the window and is somewhat alarmed to see that the storm has worsened. The windows are rattling slightly and he realises that he can actually hear the yowling of the wind through them.  _Kyuhyun is still out there._  
   
It happens automatically, almost without his volition. He swings his legs off the bed and, the next moment, he is lunging for his phone, in the hopes that maybe he can get lucky, that he can get a signal through to the missing boy. But before he can so much as flip it open, the bedroom door suddenly creaks and the subject of his chaotic thoughts, the very ban of his current existence, stumbles inside, breathing harshly and soaked to the bone.  
   
‘Kyuhyun ...?’  
 

~***~

  
Jongwoon finally realises what Hyukjae meant earlier by remarking that he looked “like a drowned rat”. Though he thinks that the phrase needs some minor modifications to do justice to Kyuhyun’s appearance, such as a rat that fell in a river, got pulled along the rapids, plunged off the top of a waterfall and finally ended up in the most ferocious regions of the ocean before it repeated the cycle a couple more times. Kyuhyun seems to have dragged in the entire Han River as he entered their shared bedroom; such is the trail of water he has left behind him.  
   
‘Hyung?’ he whispers when his gaze lands on Jongwoon standing beside the bed, but the honorific comes out more like a, ‘H-h-huh-hyu-u-ng’ for his teeth is chattering and his breathing is nothing short of shallow, wheezy gasps that sound breathless and painful even to the other man. His face is deathly white and the dark eyes are more prominent than ever against the terrible paleness of his skin.  
   
‘H-h-yung,’ Kyuhyun gasps again and collapses to his knees, his arms wrapping themselves around his shaking, sopping body in a vain attempt to contain some heat. His breathing has become even more ragged, if that is possible.  
   
Jongwoon does not remember moving towards his dongsaeng, but next moment, he finds himself kneeling in front of him, taking his freezing face in his hands to unconsciously rub some warmth into the pale cheeks and talking – almost harshly – at the same time,  
   
‘Where the  _hell_  were you?! Jungsu was freaking out –!’  
   
‘M-meeting a ... ahh ... f-f-friend.’ Kyuhyun closes his eyes, looking to be almost in pain. He leans into the warmth of Jongwoon’s palms automatically, which the other fails to notice as he continues, almost agitatedly,  
   
‘– disappearing in this freak storm to God knows where! Jungsu was nearly shitting bricks and you had everyone else worried witless and the damn phone signals had gone haywire and you couldn’t jump a  _freakin’ taxi_  to get back here when this bloody storm started –!’  
   
‘Co – couldn’t ... f-f-flag one d-down –’  
   
‘– and not even telling your goddamn  _manager_  where the hell you were off to and then showing up hours later like some effin’  _drowned rat_  –!’  
   
‘H-hyung!’ Kyuhyun almost moans with a pained grimace, cutting across Jongwoon’s tirade. The maknae pushes forward until his face is buried in Jongwoon’s shoulder, with his upper torso leaning almost forcefully into the other’s warm chest.  
   
‘S-so cold...’  
   
The sudden fire seeps out of Jongwoon as he properly feels, for the first time, the severity of Kyuhyun’s shivering. His entire body is wrecked with tremors and his fingers, which had wrapped themselves around Jongwoon’s forearms at one point, are so chilled that he can feel the cold through the fabric of his pyjamas.  
   
Now is clearly not the time for a lecture (especially one that Jongwoon has no idea where it came from).  
   
‘Undress,’ he says at last, in a lower voice than earlier and staggers to his feet, grasping the boy by his hips and pulling him up with him. Kyuhyun automatically moves closer to him, leaning into his warmth, but Jongwoon takes hold of his shoulders and pushes him out of the room and towards the bathroom. ‘Get out of those wet clothes before you die of pneumonia. I’ll bring you your dry things.’  
   
Kyuhyun is still shivering uncontrollably and his breathing has not improved, but he accepts the towel Jongwoon tosses at him and stumbles obediently towards the shower. Jongwoon digs up the maknae’s pyjamas from among the blankets and quilts Kyuhyun sleeps on – and which he hardly folds up in the mornings; a matter that really annoys the meticulous Jongwoon – and hands them to the boy through the toilet door.  
   
‘Take a warm shower if there’s any hot water left,’ he adds authoritatively and Kyuhyun nods at him through the crack in the door.  
   
He spends the next five minutes searching the kitchen for something to feed to Kyuhyun – preferably soup or maybe even some leftover ramyun that he can heat up; just anything  _hot_  – but he finds that Ryeowook has thrown out everything that he probably deemed inedible. There is no time to cook something now. The important thing is to warm up the frozen boy as quickly as possible and Jongwoon resigns himself to simply making a large mug of hot chocolate.  
   
Back in their room, he gathers up Kyuhyun’s quilts and rips the thick comforter off his bed. He has just begun hunting in his closet for more blankets when the door opens and Kyuhyun steps inside, dressed in his pyjamas and relatively dry. Jongwoon looks up just in time to see the younger boy thoughtfully burying his nose in the towel; his eyes slide shut.  
   
Jongwoon feels a sharp jerk in the pit of his stomach and his eyes widen with sudden recognition. Without realising it, he had given the boy his own towel.  
   
The sight of Kyuhyun inhaling his scent makes his throat go dry.  
   
Kyuhyun looks up only for their eyes to meet and he promptly blushes all the way down to his neck. Jongwoon clears his throat uncomfortably and straightens up, pointing silently at the mug of hot chocolate he had placed on one of the cupboards. Taking the hint, Kyuhyun accepts the drink with a mumbled ‘Thanks’ and avoids his eyes when Jongwoon awkwardly takes the towel from him to hang it up. Neither of them says another word until Kyuhyun is done, and by then the older boy has noticed that the maknae is still shivering slightly.  
   
‘No hot water left?’ he guesses, moving to wrap one of the quilts around Kyuhyun’s trembling shoulders. ‘You’re still freezing,’ he adds quietly when his hand brushes accidentally against the other’s neck.  
   
His dongsaeng just nods silently, his cheeks pink. He moves to sit on his usual sleeping place on the floor, but manages to take no more than two steps before Jongwoon unthinkingly grabs him by the upper arms and pushes him, almost unceremoniously, on to the bed, muttering with a frown,  
   
‘That’s no good. We still have recording sessions tomorrow and the last thing you need is a cold to ruin your voice. Here.’ Jongwoon throws a few more quilts, including his own comforter, over a stunned Kyuhyun and, leaning one knee onto the mattress, reaches over to tuck them in. ‘Wrap yourself up and get warm. The hot chocolate should have helped, but maybe you need some soup too, just in case –’  
   
‘No! Wait –’  
   
It takes Jongwoon by surprise when Kyuhyun suddenly latches onto his arm as he moves away, preventing him from getting off the bed.  
   
‘Wait ...’ he repeats, more quietly this time. His breathing is shaky, but now it is impossible to say if the cause is the cold or the sudden nervousness that has graced his pale countenance. Swallowing, he looks up, hesitantly meeting Jongwoon’s startled eyes. ‘Hyung, could you ... could you stay?’  
   
The timid, but bold request hangs in the air, leaving a ringing silence in its wake. The perpetual tension and awkwardness that have become the trademark atmosphere between the two of them seem to rise up again, rather belated tonight, but oppressive and definitely there. With that comes every reminder of what their tenuous relationship has been like, everything that has happened between them and all the inner battles that have been raging inside Jongwoon’s mind of late, courtesy of the boy who is currently looking him straight in the eyes, steady and earnest.  
   
A part of him screams at him to pull away, to leave, to deny Kyuhyun of his simple plea because  _why should he anyway?_ But there is another part, the conflicted part – the one he has effectively suppressed from the very beginning until Sungmin reached down and pulled it from his very core – that is hesitating, wavering, almost bending to Kyuhyun.  
   
 _I..._  
   
‘Y-you’re warm and ... please, hyung...’ The chilled, slender fingers tighten around his forearm.  
   
Jongwoon cannot pinpoint what led to his undoing. He does not know what he feels at that moment, either. His limbs simply move, almost of their own volition, sliding his body under the numerous blankets so that he is lying awkwardly beside the maknae, their heads sharing the same pillow. For the first several seconds, Kyuhyun stares at him, little tremors still running along his body and his fathomless eyes glowing with something Jongwoon is afraid to put a name to; but then he slides down on the bed a little, so that his head is now level with the elder’s shoulder.  
   
Jongwoon blinks, puzzled, but before the question has even formed in his mind, Kyuhyun shifts to lie directly against him, tugging on his elbow so that he is lying on his side, facing each other. Without pause, Kyuhyun daringly wraps his arm around his waist under the blankets so that their bodies are flush against each other and, ignoring the shocked intake of breath that clearly reaches his ears, he leans up to press his face against the other’s exposed throat, tangling his cold feet with Jongwoon’s warm ones and completely burying himself in his hyung’s body heat.   
   
Every fibre in Jongwoon’s body feel like they have been turned to stone and ice; he has turned absolutely rigid at Kyuhyun’s bold actions and hardly dares to move a muscle, to breathe. He is aware of every curve and contour of the younger boy’s cold body that is pressing against his, every shiver that runs down Kyuhyun’s spine, every breath he exhales that washes over Jongwoon’s throat with a heady warmth and intimacy that thrill and alarm him – but he does not move. He is not even sure if he can.  
   
Nothing feels the same anymore. There are so many thoughts tearing at his mind, so many different directions his heart is trying to take, so many unknown and nameless emotions that clash and conflict and  _he simply does not know anymore_. What to do, what to think, what to feel...  
   
Should this even be happening?  
   
He is not sure how much time passes as they simply stay like that, but eventually his body tires from the stiffness. The whole time he has been holding his free arm tightly at his side, just above the arm Kyuhyun has slung around his waist, and his muscles are crying from the exhaustion and strain. With a deep breath, he allows himself to relax, letting his arm drop around Kyuhyun’s shoulder so that his fingertips rest lightly on his back. Kyuhyun stirs a little at the action, but does not pull away.  
   
At length, he hears a quiet, ‘Thanks, hyung, for – for helping me ... And staying.’ Kyuhyun’s face is still buried somewhere in his neck and Jongwoon starts slightly at the unexpected sensation of cool lips ghosting over his sensitive skin as he spoke. He leans his head back slightly, though it does not change much.  
   
‘Jungsu won’t forgive you easily ...’ he mutters back lamely, trying to find a way to avoid the awkwardness of their situation. ‘Everyone was worrying over you, even Heebongie.’  
   
‘It really wasn’t my fault,’ Kyuhyun replies after a pause. Jongwoon tilts his head further back, discreetly trying to put some distance between his throat and the other’s mouth – because  _feeling_  every single word spoken, not to mention the breathing, on one’s skin is really weird and distracting and just  _wrong_  – but to no avail. Kyuhyun is completely glued to him, and he does not seem to either care or notice Jongwoon’s uneasiness as he continues softly,  
   
‘I was having dinner with an old classmate. I dropped him off at the station and was on my way back when the storm started. I tried to take a taxi, but none would stop and there was no signal on the phone so I couldn’t call anyone. So I waited it out for about an hour at an empty bookstore, but then this bunch of high school girls took shelter there too and one of them recognised me. So I just ran and thought I might as well come back all the way here as it was getting late and there was no sign of the rain letting out. That’s all.’  
   
Jongwoon takes a moment to digest this. ‘And it never occurred to you to buy an umbrella from one of the many twenty-four hour convenience stores you must have passed on the way here?’  
   
There is a long moment of silence and then he feels Kyuhyun grin against his throat. The sheepishness is evident in his voice as he half-chuckles out, ‘Totally slipped my mind.’  
   
The older boy snorts, rolling his eyes. ‘And everyone calls  _you_  the smart, witty one. One detour to a store and you wouldn’t be in this sorry position, shivering your ass off.’  
   
Another pause ensues, deeper and longer this time, and then Kyuhyun’s arm suddenly tightens around him, slightly but noticeably. Finally he murmurs, so quietly that Jongwoon almost thinks he is imagining it,  
   
‘I don’t mind...’  
   
Jongwoon’s mouth seals shut, his eyes widening a little. How is one supposed to reply to something like that?  
   
A few minutes go by in complete silence, with Jongwoon temporarily keeping his mind completely blank and Kyuhyun still relaxing against him. The former vaguely notes that the shivers have subsided and Kyuhyun no longer feels cold to the touch. Even his feet feel warm against his own and his breathing has completely evened out.  
   
‘Hyung ...’ Kyuhyun speaks up again, but his voice is much lower and lagging now, sleepy. ‘When you said ... everyone was worrying over me...’  
   
Jongwoon waits silently for the rest. It takes a while and his voice is even drowsier and more sluggish as he finishes his question, but the impact it has on Jongwoon causes him to cease breathing for a moment.  
   
‘... Were you ... worried as well?’  
   
What...?  
   
 _‘He wants to know that you care, at least a little...’_  
   
He places his hand on Kyuhyun’s shoulder and eases his upper body away slightly so as to see the maknae’s face. Colour has returned to his white cheeks and his eyes are peacefully closed as he rests just on the edge of sleep, barely awake. The corners of his lips are pulled up just the slightest and it strikes Jongwoon as harshly as a bolt of lightning that this is the first time he has ever seen Kyuhyun looking almost ...  _happy_  in his, Jongwoon’s, presence.  
   
And then Kyuhyun is sleepily pulling him back again to bury his face in his chest and the last thing he mumbles before completely falling into his dreams is, ‘Hyung forgot to add sugar to the cocoa...’  
   
Jongwoon lies deathly still on the bed, overwhelmed. He is used to Kyuhyun vying for his attention, trying to coax a reaction out of him, hoping to make eye contact – but wanting his affection, wanting him  _to care_  ... This much? To the extent where the mere thought of Jongwoon being concerned for his health is enough to make him fall asleep happy and positively glowing?  
   
Do _I care?_  
   
All these months, he hasn’t. Right? There is no reason for him to. Right? Because all that Kyuhyun is to him is a threat, a rival; just someone better that can take away his everything. Right?  
   
 _I_ don’t _care ... Right?_  
   
And the inner conflicts are starting up again, but this time, they are mixed with recollections of his earlier actions. What was it, if not concern, that had driven him to help Kyuhyun when he had collapsed earlier, freezing and soaking wet? What had spurred him to pull out whatever means necessary to aid the boy if he had not cared, going as far as to make him a hot drink, offer his own bed? What had made him answer Kyuhyun’s plea, to stay, to warm him with his own body and hold him till he fell asleep?  
   
The bed sheets are feeling suffocative once more.  
   
The raging war in his mind is interrupted by the sound of harried footsteps and, without even knocking, the owner of said footsteps pushes open their bedroom door. Startled, Jongwoon looks over his shoulder to see Jungsu coming to a halt right by his bed.  
   
‘He’s back?’ He says, with an audible sigh of relief.  
   
‘Got back more than half an hour ago,’ replies Jongwoon after glancing at Kyuhyun’s alarm clock, glad for the distraction. But then it sinks in the position he is in and complete and utter embarrassment takes over, especially when Heechul comes in the next moment and – after the initial look of relief in his eyes – an all too familiar smirk twists his lips.  
   
‘Well, well ...’ he drawls. Jungsu makes a hushing gesture, but Jongwoon does not miss the spark of amusement in his eyes.  
   
‘So where was he?’ he asks and Jongwoon carefully sits up, trying not to jostle the sleeping boy as he untangles himself from him. He mentally heaves a sigh of relief, somewhat glad to have a legit excuse to leave that embrace.  
   
‘Let him sleep,’ he says quietly, and understanding what he meant at once, Jungsu nods and leaves with Heechul. Jongwoon trails behind them, pausing to pick up one of Kyuhyun’s discarded blankets from the floor.  
   
‘Well?’ Jungsu asks at once as soon as Jongwoon joins them in the living room.  
   
Sitting down on the sofa, he quietly begins to explain everything Kyuhyun had related to him earlier, with Jungsu interjecting every once in a while to ask a question. Barely two minutes later, Ryeowook and Hyukjae emerge from their room, both having woken up to check on Kyuhyun as previously planned, and Jongwoon has to start all over again. Afterwards though, looks of relief are exchanged all around and Ryeowook and Hyukjae peek into Jongwoon’s room – as if to reassure themselves that their beloved maknae is back – before retreating back to their rooms. Jungsu is finally looking at peace and not even Heechul’s playful jab of ‘I told you so, you over-worrying pabo’ wipes the wide smile off his face.  
   
‘I’m glad,’ he sighs. ‘I wish you’d called us, though.’  
   
‘Sorry, hyung, I forgot,’ Jongwoon apologises quickly. ‘Kyuhyun looked like he was about to collapse and kinda needed me –’  
   
‘To molest him in bed?’ Heechul supplies with a toothy grin.  
   
‘I told you, it was only for body heat, Heebongie!’ Jongwoon exclaims, well aware of the blood flooding his cheeks at the implication. Heechul just snickers at him.  
   
‘We know, we know, just ignore him,’ Jungsu says with a laugh. Standing up, he stretches and exhales loudly. ‘I swear, if things like this keeps happening, I’ll end up losing twenty years of my life. I’ll just give Kyuhyun’s manager a call,’ he adds, raising his voice to drown out Heechul’s sarcastic  _you-could-actually-gain-a-couple-if-you’d-stop-being-such-a-worry-wart_ , ‘and then I’m crashing. Dammit, I need to be up in less than four hours.’  
   
‘We all do,’ Heechul says with a roll of his eyes and turns to leave. ‘I’m off.’  
   
‘Night, hyung,’ Jongwoon calls after him, receiving a careless wave in reply. ‘You, too, Jungsu hyung.’  
   
‘Mm hmm. And thank you, Jongwoon,’ he adds, suddenly serious. ‘For looking after him. Really.’  
   
His dongsaeng drops his gaze, his face losing expression. ‘Um, yeah...’  
   
Silently, he picks up the blanket he brought out with him and flaps it open. Arranging the cushions so that he can be most comfortable, he lies down on the sofa and throws the blanket over himself. He looks up to see Jungsu staring.  
   
‘You’re ... not going back to your room?’  
   
Jongwoon clears his throat uncomfortably. ‘No.’  
   
Jungsu pauses. ‘What about that ... um, body heat thing?’  
   
‘Kyuhyun’s warmed up now. And he’s got blankets.’  
   
‘I thought you two were sharing the bed, anyway.’  
   
‘No. That’s only a joke by Sungmin and Hyukjae.’  
   
‘So, you’ve been sleeping on the floor all this time?’  
   
Jongwoon falls silent, wondering how to answer. It is a hard question. Jungsu, he knows, wants Kyuhyun, as the maknae, to have the bed and is currently under the impression that he does. The leader will throw an accusatory fit if he ever finds out the truth, even though – as far as Jongwoon can justifiy – it is Kyuhyun’s own decision to not take the bloody bed.  
   
Why does everything have to be so damn complicated?  
   
Sighing, Jongwoon collapses back on the cushions. ‘It’s too cold tonight to sleep on the floor,’ he finally ventures, hoping that will be end of it.  
   
It is not the end of it.  
   
‘From what I saw, I don’t think it’ll be a problem for you to share the bed tonight.’  
   
‘No. I’m fine here.’  
   
Jungsu falls silent, biting his lower lip pensively, but Jongwoon knows better than to hope. There is one more blow coming. He can see it in the leader’s eyes.  
   
‘You know, it ... it almost looked like ... like he wanted you there with him...’  
   
A long minute goes by, filled with nothing but the muffled sound of rain and a faint roll of thunder. The atmosphere in the living has grown heavy.  
   
‘Good night, hyung,’ Jongwoon says at last, with finality in his cold tone.  
   
Jungsu returns his gaze almost expressionlessly, but there is a certain edge to his sharp eyes.  
   
‘I won’t pretend to know the problem between the both of you. But for a moment there, I actually thought you cared for the boy. I’m getting sick of this; it’s been going on for far too long and, I don’t care what it takes, Jongwoon, but you are going to work this out with Kyuhyun, one way or the other.’  
   
He stalks out of the apartment, leaving only a ringing silence behind.  
   
It is a long time before sleep comes to Jongwoon.  
 

~***~

   
When Jongwoon wakes up, it is to the familiar smell of Ryeowook cooking breakfast and the usual sounds of Hyukjae and Donghee fighting over the bathroom. He flings an arm over his eyes, wishing he could just sleep in, but then he hears Sungmin’s voice joining Ryeowook in the kitchen area and realises the impossibility of it. If everyone is already up, it must be getting late.  
   
Sighing, he rolls over only to feel a plunging sensation and with a yelp, he finds himself face first on cold floorboards.  
   
 _Huh?_  
   
Cracking open his eyes, he pulls himself up and looks around blearily, trying to get his bearings. It takes a full thirty seconds for him to recognise the sofa on his right and the coffee table to his left, and finally remember that he had slept in the living room last night.  
   
 _Oh, right._  
   
Groaning, he rubs at his neck, trying to get rid of the annoying crick it has got as a consequence of sleeping outside. Damn it.  
   
‘Morning, hyung,’ Sungmin’s voice cuts through the haze in his mind and he looks up to see his dongsaeng towering over him. The young man throws a pointed look at the sofa. ‘Sleep well?’  
   
Is it his imagination or does Sungmin’s voice have a bit of a cool, mocking tone to it?  
   
‘Here.’ Before Jongwoon can wrap his mind around anything, Sungmin holds out a mug of freshly brewed coffee. ‘You look like you need it.’  
   
‘Thanks,’ he mumbles, accepting the drink. Without another word, Sungmin walks back to the kitchen and Jongwoon drags himself to his feet, untangling the blanket from his body and thinking that he really needs a cold shower. His brain is literally hurting.  
   
Rubbing at his eyes, he stumbles towards his room, trying to remember what his schedule is for today only to stop dead in his tracks, realising that someone is already in the doorway, blocking his entrance.  
   
‘Kyuhyun...’  
   
The boy has obviously just got out of bed. His hair is tousled, his pyjama top messed up and a comforter is still carelessly wrapped around his form, but his eyes – they are wide awake, dark and staring.  
   
‘You slept out here.’  
   
It is not a question, but a statement. Almost an accusation. Jongwoon feels his eyes widening and an emotion that almost seems like guilt grips him at the softly spoken words.  
   
 _I..._  
   
Kyuhyun’s mouth tightens, almost like a grimace, and without another word, he turns and stalks back into the bedroom, but not before Jongwoon has caught a glimpse of the blatant hurt that has filled his eyes.


	4. Avoidance

_‘You slept out here.’_  
   
It is not a question, but a statement. Almost an accusation. Jongwoon feels his eyes widening and an emotion that almost seems like guilt grips him at the softly spoken words.  
   
I...  
   
Kyuhyun’s mouth tightens, almost like a grimace, and without another word, he turns and stalks back into the bedroom, but not before Jongwoon has caught a glimpse of the blatant hurt that has filled his eyes.

 

~***~

 

It is strange, Jongwoon muses, the way things tend to go full circle.

In the beginning, it was him that stood in the shadows, observing Kyuhyun’s every move from a distance, only to turn his back on the boy when Kyuhyun decided to set his sights on him. And now finally, Jongwoon is still the one watching the maknae while Kyuhyun walks away, literally and figuratively, leaving him behind – just like how Jongwoon had left Kyuhyun.

Right back to square one.

Only this time, things are not quite the same. It does not feel like the old days when Kyuhyun was happily distracted by his other doting hyungs and Jongwoon could hate him in peace from his secluded corner. Kyuhyun is not happy. And Jongwoon is not at peace. Not even close.

There are too many questions involved. Too many answers. Too many feelings.

Too much hurt. Too much guilt.

And it is all Jongwoon’s fault and he does not know how to fix it.

A part of him wonders if he even wants to.

 

~***~

 

Logic dictates that he should be happy with the current circumstances. How many torturous months has he spent wishing for this very thing? Battling with a myriad of emotions he did not want to feel, ignoring the unspoken pleas for his attention he did not want to hear, pushing away a relentless dongsaeng he did not want to have – all this time he has wanted nothing more than to be left alone.

For Kyuhyun to leave him alone.

He has received his wish at long last. So, by all means, he should be bloody  _ecstatic_ , shouldn’t he? Singing his heart out to the world, dancing around the room with his turtle like an idiot, barfing rainbows and frolicking down a grassy slope, bellowing,  _‘The hills are aliiive, with the sound of muuusic’_  – that sort of thing.

But it is not so. He is not happy.

Because, Jongwoon thinks numbly to himself as he sits in the van bearing them to the studio, his wish came true a little too late.

His heart has already wavered.

He glances surreptitiously over his shoulder at Kyuhyun, who is sitting in the rear seat between Ryeowook and Sungmin. His head is resting on the latter’s shoulder, his hands loosely clasped in his lap and his eyes are closed, as if sleeping. It is not uncommon for the usually sleep deprived members to doze off whenever they can, even on the way to work, but he knows that it is not the case with Kyuhyun. The maknae is wide awake – Jongwoon can just tell; he has been studying that pale face so well for so long that he can differentiate between every little nuance that graces it. Kyuhyun is not asleep, but he is refusing to open his eyes to face the world.

He is refusing to face Jongwoon.

It surprises him – alarms him a little, even – how readily he can acknowledge what Kyuhyun is doing. Sure, it is  _obvious_ that Kyuhyun is avoiding him; after all, he has been looking at everything and everyone except Jongwoon ever since their little confrontation outside the bedroom earlier that morning. (Not to mention that this is the first time he has not even tried to sit beside the elder.) But since last night, Jongwoon has come to realise that, for him, it does not really matter how transparent someone’s actions are if he does not want them to be real. His previous disregard for Kyuhyun’s feelings and motives – even when they had been crystal clear and he had  _known_  deep down in his heart – is proof of that.

But now, he can fully acknowledge what Kyuhyun is doing –  _feeling_  – right now. He cannot even bring himself to ignore it.

Kyuhyun’s brows furrow and he turns his head to bury his face deeper into Sungmin’s shoulder, his black fringe flopping down to frame the side of his hidden face. The older man looks down at the maknae, concern etched into the panes of his face, before he raises his head almost instinctively and meets Jongwoon’s eyes.

Their gazes hold for the barest second before Jongwoon looks away, fixing his eyes unseeingly on the window and trying to ignore the sudden throbbing in his temple and the hotness around his collar.

Kyuhyun is avoiding him and he feels absolutely no inclination whatsoever to jump for joy.

Hiding the truth from himself is impossible now. His heart, which used to be so firmly set, has indeed wavered.

_Maybe, just ... just a little bit._

But apparently, large enough to make a difference.

 

~***~

 

The ache in his head gradually intensifies throughout the day and each throb on his temple begins to feel like a hammer taken to his brain, bringing on sudden waves of drowsiness and light headedness. He tries to ignore it and focus all his attention on the music and singing, to channel the right emotions into his voice and hit the notes perfectly, but he finds himself getting more and more distracted by the dull pain beating at the front of his skull and the growing heat creeping onto his face. He can even feel the hotness of his own breath with every exhalation and, at one point, disorientation comes over him, just like it had when he woke up that morning.

It feels like both a blessing and a punishment when, halfway through their recording session, the music director calls a halt and frowns at him.

‘Yesung-ssi, your voice is hoarse and that is the second time you slurred over the words. Are you feeling unwell?’

That, of course, is the cue for them to drag him out of the studio and into the waiting room, where he is forced into an uncomfortable plastic chair. The rest of the concerned/curious members and staff gather around him, and Jungsu beats everyone in a five mile radius to get to Jongwoon first and feels his temperature, cupping his face with his other hand and peering into his eyes worriedly.

‘Shit, Jongwoon, what did you do, you’re burning up!’

That is all it takes before what seems like everyone in the room approaches him, putting their hands on every bit of his exposed skin and paying no attention to his feeble attempts at brushing them away to avoid suffocation while Jungsu continues to talk a mile a minute, automatically settling into his programmed mother-hen mode. Jongwoon drops his head into his hands, feeling the headache exacerbating as the voices around him rise and overlap. He catches snatches of testy sentences and anxious words –

_– might get worse, it’s already high –_

_... can’t continue like this!_

_When did you catch this cold?_

_– is impossible; he needs to recover his voice..._

_Fever..._

. _.. just let him go for today –_

_I’ll take him home, Jungsu hyung._

Jongwoon snaps his head up and immediately regrets it as a new wave of faintness comes over him. He blinks furiously until his eyesight recovers and then stares blearily at the young man who has spoken above the rest.

‘I’m done with recording my part and I don’t have schedules till the afternoon. Let manager hyung stay, I’ll go with Jongwoon hyung instead.’

Jungsu thinks it over and nods his acquiescence and next moment, a mildly surprised Jongwoon finds himself being guided towards the exit with Sungmin’s supporting arm, strong and secure, wrapped around his shoulders. Their leader worriedly yells after them to call him if the fever worsens or there is any need for a doctor, and it is all just so typically _umma_  of Jungsu to be acting like this that not even Jongwoon’s paining head can block out his amusement at the other’s fretfulness. With a weak, but grateful smile, he turns to look over his shoulder to assure the eldest member that he is not at Death’s door yet, only to end up locking gazes with a pair of painfully familiar dark eyes.

The beautifully pink tinge that brushes over the pale cheeks can be spotted a mile away. Kyuhyun immediately tears his eyes away, firmly keeping a blank expression on his face. Jongwoon’s throat closes up and he lets Sungmin lead him outside.

The ride back to the dorms is deathly silent. The uneasy tension in the van will suffocate Jongwoon if his brain does not already feely like it is dying. He simply sits quietly beside Sungmin, right elbow propped on his knee and his forehead resting on his palm, eyes squeezed shut. Focussing on breathing deeply, he vaguely thinks that he is somewhat glad for his cold and fever; the pain is effectively blocking out the thoughts he has temporarily pushed to the very back of his head. He can feel them there, though, pounding at the figurative locked door, trying to force their way to the front of his mind so that they can taunt him, mock him, jeer at him because –

Damn it, he does not want to think about this now! Without realising it, he lets out an agonised groan, catching Sungmin’s attention. The younger man looks at him; his bright eyes darken with a hint of worry and he hesitates for a moment before reaching for Jongwoon, gawkily draping an arm over his hunched back and guiding his head to rest on his shoulder.

To say that Jongwoon is taken aback is an understatement. To say that he nearly jumps out of his skin and momentarily forgets about his sick condition as he wonders when aliens abducted Sungmin and took over his body will be dead on the mark. This kind of intimacy between them is pretty new.

Nevertheless, the unexpected gesture is warm and genuine and Jongwoon allows himself to relax into his dongsaeng, an effortless ‘Thank you’ falling from his lips.

He tries not to remember that, only a few hours ago, Kyuhyun had been in this exact same position.

 

~***~

 

If Jongwoon thought that Sungmin would simply help him into bed and leave him at that, he was dead wrong. True, Sungmin  _does_  support him all the way to his bedroom and even helps him change into his pyjamas before tucking – _tucking_ , for goodness’ sake – him into bed. Jongwoon’s brain is aching too much to pay any mind to being babied by his dongsaeng, but it does catch his attention when Sungmin leaves his room for a minute and returns with some tablets, water and a gel pack.

‘I just need some rest, Sungmin, there’s no need for that.’ Jongwoon eyes the medicine warily. He has never been too fond of taking pills.

‘You can say that when your body stops feeling like a hot iron stove, hyung,’ Sungmin says bluntly, plopping down on his bed.

‘But I –’ He stops talking. His voice is hoarse and he realises that his throat is beginning to pain a little.  _Shit_.

‘The cold will go away on its own and your voice will return to normal then,’ says Sungmin, as if he knows what is bothering his hyung. ‘But we need to cool down your fever before it becomes too bad. Take the aspirin, at least, hyung.’

The strangely gentle, but firm look his dongsaeng is giving him makes it clear that if he refuses, the tablets will be forced down his gullet by methods best left unarticulated. And considering the capable martial artist that hides underneath Sungmin’s pretty boy facade, there is no doubt that he will follow through with it. Giving in, Jongwoon accepts the medication with a sigh. Sungmin nods approvingly at him and gestures at him to lie down, placing the gel pack on his forehead when he does so.

Jongwoon gives him a long look. ‘You didn’t have to trouble yourself to do all this, Sungmin. I could’ve managed, but ... thank you, anyway. For everything.’

Sungmin’s fox-like eyes are bright as he returns his gaze. ‘It’s nothing, hyung. Were you in my position, you know you would’ve done the same. For anyone of us.’

He has put just the slightest bit of emphasis on  _anyone of us_  and Jongwoon’s breath hitches, immediately catching onto what Sungmin is implying. His mind leaps to last night, when Kyuhyun had shown up during the storm and he had just _reacted_  to the helpless sight of him _,_  without thinking –

‘Jongwoon hyung ... you’re a lot more caring than you want to admit to yourself.’

Jongwoon meets the other man’s earnest gaze with wide eyes. ‘Sungmin ...’

‘Rest and get over this cold quickly, hyung.’ Sungmin gets up and pretends to adjust his comforter. His eyes glint strangely as he looks at Jongwoon again and gently scolds, ‘Ryeowook tells me that you were out in the rain last night. Tsk, and then right afterwards you fell asleep in the living room when it was so cold there? No wonder you got sick. You should’ve slept here in your bed, hyung. You’d have been nice and warm then.’

There is no point in even wondering if it is his imagination. Sungmin’s words are positively dripping with hidden implications and double meanings – and Jongwoon knows exactly what they are.

‘Rest well, hyung.’ Sungmin sweeps out of the room.

 

~***~

 

He dreams.

He dreams of a blazing fire that surrounds him, choking him with its pungent smoke.

He dreams of liquid flames that dance along his skin, burning and consuming until he drowns in it.

He dreams of a cool embrace that cocoons him and pulls him from his hellhole.

He dreams of heavy rainclouds chased by the wind and droplets of chilled water that soak his weary body.

He dreams of a boy that holds his hand and keeps him company in the rain.

He dreams of dark eyes, pale skin and the hint of a smile he has seen only once before.

He dreams of unspoken whispers and unuttered words.

He dreams.

There comes a point when the darkness seems to lift from his mind and light engulfs him, but he can only feel. He feels the loss of coolness from his brows, and then it returns again. He feels a gentle caress ghosting over his heated face and neck, before it slides down to settle on his arm. He feels a murmur that washes over the shell of his ear and down to his neck. He feels a warm presence hovering beside him, and it is familiar and tender.

Above all, he feels safe and cared for. Cherished.

The darkness is descending upon him again, but just before he loses himself in it, he envisions a pair of eyes looking into his own, and they are darker than the blackness he is falling in to, but they are soft and loving and he is sorry to leave them.

And then he is dreaming again, but this time...

He dreams of gentle caresses and lingering fingers.

He dreams of soft, dark eyes and tender smiles.

He dreams of melodious whispers and warm breaths.

He dreams.

 

~***~

 

The silence is what strikes him when his eyes finally snap open. That and the darkness. He lies without moving for a long minute, until it dawns on him that night has fallen and beams of moonlight are criss-crossing the walls and ceiling of his room, mixed with the faint streetlight filtering through the window.

How long was he out, he wonders, sitting up. The sudden movement disorients him, but it disappears almost instantaneously and something falls off his forehead onto his lap. He picks it up. The gel pack.

Oh, right. He is down with a cold and fever, he remembers. However – he shakes his head a little. It does not throb; there is only a very dull ache right at the back of his skull – he is definitely feeling much better than earlier. Raising his hand to his throat, he realised that he is still warm and his body feels somewhat sore and tired, but overall, he feels quite fine.

With sudden happiness, he swings his legs off the bed and turns to put away the gel pack when he finally notices: the pack in his hand is different from the one Sungmin gave him that morning. And there are two more gel packs and a piece of wet-looking cloth lying innocently on the shelf.

Did Sungmin come back to tend to him again?

His lips curve up. Making a mental note to properly thank his considerate dongsaeng later, he sets down the gel pack on the nearest cupboard only to promptly freeze when his eyes fall upon a small cup placed on it. He picks it up uncertainly and sniffs at the cold, viscous looking liquid: tea with honey and lemon, from the smell of it.

His smile widens. It is a vile concoction – for him, at least – but is known to help cure maladies and is a good treatment for the throat and voice.  _How thoughtful_.

Sipping at it – and immediately wrinkling his nose – Jongwoon turns to walk out of the room and nearly kills himself trying not to trip over a large, warm bundle lying right at his feet that he has not noticed before in the dark. Stumbling back, he grips the edge of the cupboard for support and comically widens his eyes at the sight of Kyuhyun, wrapped up in layers of blankets, sleeping not in his usual place away from the bed, but right next to it.

_Kyuhyun?_

It comes back to Jongwoon like a sudden slap to his face. He remembers his feverish dreams, dreams of someone beside him while he was unconscious, someone that cared for and watched over him while he fitfully slept through his fever; dreams of gentle touches and quiet murmurs...

His fingers tighten around the cup in his hand. Suddenly, he doubts that the tea, the gel packs, the wet cloth – heck, his very dreams – have anything to do with Sungmin, after all.

He sinks back onto the mattress, eyes fixed on the sleeping features of the maknae. His young face bears signs of weariness, but he looks peaceful in his slumber. Innocent.

Looking down at the tea cradled in his hands, Jongwoon thinks he can feel his heart wavering again.

Just like it has been wavering for a long time now, unbeknownst to him.

 

~***~

 

Over the following days, Jongwoon notices that he and Kyuhyun are both experts at two very similar, but different fields of giving someone the cold shoulder. Jongwoon excels at ignoring people (read: Kyuhyun) and Kyuhyun excels at avoiding people (read: Jongwoon).

Because that is exactly what Kyuhyun has been and is still doing. And he is bloody good at it.

Not that Jongwoon has been trying to interact with him or anything. He has simply gone back to watching the maknae from a distance. That is the only place where Kyuhyun can be found now: away from him.

Jongwoon does not bother to play dumb and ask himself why Kyuhyun’s attitude has changed. He already knows. Once upon a time, he was content with pretending otherwise. But now he is tired of it; tired of feigning, struggling, acting, ignoring.

He is tired of lying to himself.

He knows what Kyuhyun wants –  _wanted?_  – from him; and he knows what he refused to give and why. Him and his insecurities and fear of being thrown aside, of not being good enough, of being eclipsed by Cho Kyuhyun’s talent – his low self esteem that made him take it out on their newest member, determined to never accept him, to never acknowledge him as anything. He knows fully well what he has done. And he knows that none of his reasons are enough to justify how he has conducted himself towards Kyuhyun.

After all, there is no valid reason that can ever justify the cruel treatment of an innocent person – and Jongwoon can now accept that that is exactly the case. Kyuhyun has done nothing to him to warrant such cold behaviour on his part, and yet he has been an absolute asshole to his dongsaeng, even if he had not initially realised just how deeply he might be hurting the boy (but then again, that is because he refused to spare any thoughts to Kyuhyun’s feelings, isn’t it?).

Kyuhyun simply asked to be loved the same way Jongwoon loves the rest of the members, but Jongwoon was so caught up in self-pity and gratuitous hatred that he could not spare the boy even that much.

Kim Jongwoon is a terrible hyung.

He heaves a sigh as he curls up on the sofa with Donghee, pretending to watch some variety programme with him while actually he is watching Kyuhyun and Donghae going nuts over some action game at the computer. Tonight marks the thirteenth day since Kyuhyun began to stay away from him. And Jongwoon feels like crap.

The situation is, indeed, pathetic.  _He_  is pathetic.

He smirks bitterly to himself as he closes his eyes. It is funny, really, that while  _Kyuhyun_  had cared, Jongwoon had not; and now that Kyuhyun does not care,  _Jongwoon_  cares.

Wait, no, that is not entirely right. Kyuhyun  _does_  care, even now. Jongwoon knows this because Kyuhyun was there for the whole three days it took to completely get rid of his cold and fever, taking over the job from Sungmin to watch over him. He had always felt the younger boy’s presence in his dreams, warm and solid beside him – but that was the only time when Kyuhyun came to him: when he was sleeping. He maintained his avoidance during Jongwoon’s waking hours, never looking his way and keeping his distance, but even then, Jongwoon had woken up those days to medicine and water kept ready for him, used gel packs and washcloths yet to be discarded and, at night, a cup of honey-and-lemon infused tea that appears mysteriously on his cupboard. He found that even his turtle had been regularly fed while he was in bed, and there is only one person who can possibly know the feeding times.

Kyuhyun does care still. And Jongwoon, he ... cares, too.

It had taken him a while to get that ingrained into his brain and acknowledge it as a goddamn fact, but yes, he does care. He knows he cares, because all along his heart had felt the claws of guilt tearing through it every time he saw the raw hurt in Kyuhyun’s eyes that he caused. Because he had actually  _struggled_  to maintain his indifference and supposed hatred towards Kyuhyun as more and more days had passed. Because, on the one night that Kyuhyun had actually needed his help and warmth, he had instinctively reached out for the boy without a second thought.

Mostly, he knows he cares because he is just utterly sick of pretending not to.

But Kyuhyun has already left him.

He thinks back to the night of the storm, when he had held Kyuhyun to him until he fell asleep. He has often wondered what went through Kyuhyun’s mind when he woke up alone, to find that Jongwoon had not stayed with him. Did he feel angry? Sad? Betrayed?

Maybe he felt abandoned. Again. Because that is what Jongwoon has always done to him. Turning away and leaving him behind, hanging.

That is not the reason why Jongwoon left Kyuhyun alone, though. He has thought long and hard about this, determined to analyse his own actions and feelings in the hope of coming up with answers he desperately needs. He had not chosen to sleep outside that night with the intention of abandoning the maknae; he had just needed to be away from him, away from everyone, alone – because being with Kyuhyun had been the most overwhelming and suffocating thing for him during that storm, when Sungmin’s words had forced him to face his own demons and his heart had been in turmoil like never before. Throughout all that, having Kyuhyun – the very centre of his personal conflicts – in his arms, and the boy’s unconditional attachment and affection for him, which he in no way even deserves ... it had been too much. He had needed to get away, to  _breathe_.

However, Kyuhyun had taken that as the cue to finally give up on Jongwoon. Maybe he now believes that he can never win his hyung’s affections.

Sighing again, Jongwoon opens his eyes and looks unseeingly at the television. His head is beginning to hurt again and he automatically leans against Donghee, who is warm and teddy-bear-ish and welcomes the skinship readily. Jongwoon has been close like this with his other dongsaengs and vice versa, but even now, he cannot imagine doing this with Kyuhyun. Though ... he thinks it is about time that he does. That he wants Kyuhyun to know through a simple touch like this that he cares. That he is sorry; that he wants to be forgiven.

But how does he even start on something like that, after everything he has done? How does he begin to apologise; on what grounds does a simple “sorry”, no matter how sincere, make anything right again? He has so much to atone for.

A burst of laughter distracts him and he turns his eyes towards the computer, where Donghae is bouncing up and down, cackling victoriously while Kyuhyun looks disgruntled, apparently having lost the game. Jongwoon watches as the two boys turn into typical five year olds, fighting over whose turn it is to play again (because Donghae is Donghae and even the collected Kyuhyun loses his head when it comes to  _games_ ). It is hard to say no to Donghae as a rule, but then Kyuhyun whips out his ace-in-the-hole and gives his child-like hyung an eyeful of maknae-patented aegyo, putting on his best lost-puppy expression and Donghae practically melts at the sight. Jongwoon is not surprised; during his earliest watch-Kyuhyun-from-a-corner phase, he has already witnessed Kyuhyun using his rather-uncharacteristic-at-first cutesiness to get what he wants from his hyungs. No one has been able turn him down yet, not even prince-of-aegyo Sungmin, because he is their precious BabyKyu who everyone loves and spoils rotten.

A smile tugs at Jongwoon’s lips as he watches Donghae sigh and give in to Kyuhyun, who triumphantly hogs the computer to himself. Kyuhyun really knows how to manipulate them, he muses. He knows how to go against his own mature personality and put on the puppy dog eyes, an adorable pout and just appear impossibly cute out of the blue.

It takes a moment for it to sink in and Jongwoon blinks.  _What?_

It is not unusual for him to regard the members as cute. Heck, for Jongwoon, all his dongsaengs are cute by default anyway (though he will never admit it aloud in some cases, like Youngwoon’s), and he knows that they appear such to him because he adores them. Like Donghae and Hyukjae, for instance, who he sometimes find to be the cutest, because they are his favourite victims when it comes to skinship, welcomed or not. The more Jongwoon loves a dongsaeng or hoobae, the cuter they are to him.

Since when exactly has he come to regard  _Kyuhyun_  as cute?

 

~***~

 

Jongwoon is not like Kyuhyun, not in the slightest. When he thinks that he wants to repair things between them, he does not start approaching Kyuhyun the way Kyuhyun used to approach him before. He does not know if that makes him a coward, but in any case, he does not think Kyuhyun will welcome his presence anymore anyway. So, Jongwoon simply stays away, observing him, well aware of the guilt that incessantly wreaks havoc in his mind, but still unable to find the proper words to say to his dongsaeng.

What words exist that can possibly revoke his actions?

However, it seems like life has other plans for them and  _clearly_ life does not give a shit that the two of them have got an avoiding-each-other thing going, because before he knows it, Jongwoon finds himself and Kyuhyun pushed together once more with the formation of Super Junior KRY.

It is pretty hard to avoid someone when you are with him in a three-member sub group where all three of you have to collaborate together on the ballads you will be singing and harmonizing together.

Jongwoon is not sure if he should be pleased about this turn of events or not. At least, Kyuhyun cannot completely stay away from him now, but what good does that do him when he has no freaking idea what to say to him?

Thank God for Ryeowook’s presence, truly. The eternal maknae subtly acts like a bridge between them, where they communicate more through him rather than addressing each other directly. Jongwoon is also aware that Ryeowook has some idea about what is happening between them. He remembers that, on the night Sungmin came to speak to him about Kyuhyun for the first time, Ryeowook had enquired about it afterwards. His dongsaeng knows a lot more than he lets on. Nonetheless, Ryeowook does not say anything, choosing to keep his silence and for that Jongwoon is thankful. He does not think he can take any more of the members’ rebukes.

More than once, Jongwoon gets the urge to just speak to Kyuhyun – to say anything at all – but when he sees the way Kyuhyun avoids his eyes when he knows Jongwoon is looking, or how he is the first to leave at the end of KRY meetings with Lee Soo Man as if he cannot stand another second in Jongwoon’s presence ... the words, whatever they may have been, simply die in his throat.

He thinks he knows now how he has made Kyuhyun feel all this time.

He thinks he deserves a lot more torture than this.

 

~***~

 

It is somehow painful to be in KRY. Kyuhyun is so close that Jongwoon could have embraced him, but they have never felt more far apart. They get together with Ryeowook to talk and discuss the lyrics, but never to each other. They sing and record the songs together at the studio, but never face each other. They sit side by side during meetings, but never touch each other.

KRY feels hollow and lifeless. Or maybe that is just Jongwoon. But still.

He has just begun to ask himself if things are better off this way, where Kyuhyun does not have to deal with him and instead can be with his other more loving hyungs who actually treat him right, when life decides to take another jab at him in the form of making him a radio host.

His being assigned to Miracle For You is not the problem, though. Being a radio DJ is a job he takes on more than gladly. But then Jungsu decides to butt his nose in.

Since their last confrontation, the leader has not asked Jongwoon anything about the situation with Kyuhyun again, but the latter has enough experience with the eldest hyung to know better than to hope. Knowing Jungsu, he has not forgotten about it. And considering his overbearing umma-ness over anything to do with SJ, Jongwoon is ninety-nine-point-nine percent sure that Kyuhyun’s change of behaviour has not escaped Jungsu’s attention. It really was only a matter of time before Jungsu decided to stoke their fire again.

‘Congratulations,’ he wishes Jongwoon heartily when his job of hosting Miracle For You is finalised. ‘Try your best and get many listeners, Jongwoonie. I’m sure you’ll do brilliantly as a host.’

Jongwoon grins happily and thanks him, which Jungsu waves aside with a light laugh and says, ‘It’ll be great if some of us can call you on your first show to give our support.’

The younger man blinks before smiling. ‘It’s OK, hyung, I don’t mind. We all have solo activities and I’m sure you’re also very busy. Don’t force yourself.’

He begins to feel that something is amiss when Jungsu shakes his head firmly and, with a manic gleam in his eyes, promises to get any members that will be free during M4U’s first airing to give Jongwoon a call. He remains doggedly insistent even after his dongsaeng protests, ‘I don’t want anyone to feel obligated’ and saunters away with that same possessed glint in his eyes, leaving an inexplicably apprehensive Jongwoon to be enveloped in the arms of the other well-wishing members.

He should have seen it coming.

On his first day on the job, after he has dedicatedly (and somewhat clumsily) settled into the role of radio DJ by following all the helpful pointers his PD has given him, the first phone call finally comes along. A chilling tingle creeps down Jongwoon’s spine as an all-too-familiar voice quietly introduces himself as ‘Hello everyone, I’m Super Junior’s Kyuhyun,’ and Jongwoon just  _knows_  that this is all Jungsu’s doing.

Will it be considered matricide if he murders Jungsu now?

But they are on air and this is live and he needs to find his voice which has completely vanished the moment he recognised Kyuhyun and he can see the PD on the other side of the glass, gesturing wildly at him to speak and Jongwoon stammers out the first thing that comes to mind:

‘Kyuhyun-ah!’

Oh wow. How intelligent.

Just as he feels his face burning up with embarrassment, Kyuhyun says over the phone, ‘I absolutely can’t hear what Yesung hyung is saying,’ and Jongwoon freezes for an instant, shocked. Not because of Kyuhyun’s words, but his tone of voice; he sounds cheerful, almost teasing, just like how he usually talks with his other hyungs. It is the most unexpected thing, but the gentle sound of it seems to wrap around Jongwoon’s heart, filling it with tender warmth.

Then comprehension dawns on him and it is as if the warmth in his chest has been brutally doused by a bucket of ice.  _Of course_  Kyuhyun is talking like that; they are on a freaking radio show that the public is listening to. They have to be Super Junior now, and Super Junior is friendly and funny and playful and entertaining; not cold and awkward. They are supposed to be Yesung and Kyuhyun now. Not Kim Jongwoon and Cho Kyuhyun.

So Jongwoon lets out a bark of laughter which is hopefully not unconvincing and Kyuyhun continues their rather one-sided conversation light-heartedly, encouraging the older man’s performance and dutifully assuring the listeners that M4U will continue to improve until it ranks as number one. Jongwoon wonders how sincere the words are. He wonders if Kyuhyun is aware of how tormented he is currently feeling, what with his repressed guilt rising up again like some monstrous tidal wave that crushes down on his lungs until he feels like he cannot breathe, and he finds himself wishing more than ever that he can go back. Go back and make right every single thing he did wrong.

Kyuhyun ends his words with a cheery ‘Fighting!’ and Jongwoon echoes it back to him. Before they can properly end the call, though, the line gets disconnected – which the PD has warned Jongwoon about since it is their first airing – and Jongwoon is almost glad when they fail to reconnect with Kyuhyun again. However, he cannot escape just like that. The PD has also strongly advised to end such (failed) calls on a “good, affectionate note that will be appealing to the listeners” and is already gesturing at him to do just that.

Jongwoon, growing flustered and still partly overcome with the kaleidoscope of emotions Kyuhyun’s call has evoked in him, hastily brings his mouth to the mic and, without thinking, lets the words just roll off his tongue,

‘It still can’t be connected. Kyuhyun knew that but still sent congratulations. It’s a voice message: Kyuhyun-ah! _Saranghae_.’

It takes three seconds for him to fully appreciate what he has just said. The PD is leering and giving him two thumbs up, but Jongwoon has never wanted more for the ground to open up and swallow him whole.

What has he just done?

 

~***~

 

Later at the dorms, Jongwoon cannot bring himself to even look at Kyuhyun.

Ironic, really, because Kyuhyun does not take his eyes off Jongwoon the whole night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The English translation of the Miracle For You transcript was borrowed from thekyusungcrossroad @ blogspot. Credit to the original translators.


	5. Chances

Kyuhyun is smiling.  
  
Every cell in Jongwoon’s brain seems to stop functioning when he notices that alluring upturn of the boy’s lips. Kyuhyun is  _smiling_. Only slightly, yes, but he definitely is – while looking at none other than Jongwoon, no less.  
  
He swallows, staring. This is not what he expected when they told him that Kyuhyun is coming onto the show today. In all honesty, he had not even known what to expect, but this Kyuhyun with that shy smile on his lips and the twinkle in his dark eyes is certainly not it.  
  
Jongwoon is finally able to breathe when the PD joins Kyuhyun in the doorway, directing the younger boy’s avid attention away from him. He quickly turns to the papers and laptop in front of him, going over the playlist and programmes he has to cover for tonight’s Miracle For You airing. However, his focus keeps shifting. He listens to the PD instructing Kyuhyun on how to go about the Radio DJ business even as he pretends to be awkwardly adjusting his mic.  
  
This is going to be a long night.  
  
Jongwoon flexes his fingers and lightly drums them on the table, trying to vent out the nervousness in his gut as he waits for the PD to finish. It has been only two days since his first show and that stilted phone conversation with the maknae, and now  _Voilà!_  The aforementioned maknae is a freaking  _guest_  on his show.  
  
And it’s not even Jungsu’s doing this time. The M4U PD himself had arranged for it because, apparently, the public’s response to a phone call from an SJ member had been tremendous. And what better way to boost the show’s ratings than by dragging said member onto the show itself?  
  
But how in the world is Jongwoon supposed to host M4U with Kyuhyun after his latest, excruciatingly humiliating mistake?!  
  
He flinches at the memory. He just  _had_  to speak without thinking, didn’t he? Why couldn’t he have just sweetly thanked his dongsaeng for calling and left it at that? What had possessed him to blurt out that screwed up  _saranghae_  on a public radio programme to  _Kyuhyun_ , especially when their frail relationship is on tenterhooks already?  
  
Jongwoon groans inwardly. He feels wretched and like a fool. He has already messed things up between him and Kyuhyun so badly and then he just had to take it one step too far. What must Kyuhyun think of him now? Dropping a casual  _I love you_  after everything that has happened?  
  
He is jerked back to the present by his PD who calls out that they are going live in two minutes. Jongwoon nods at him, feeling something clog up his throat when he rather feels than hears Kyuhyun taking the seat beside him. The boy’s white hands appear in his line of vision as Kyuhyun delicately adjusts his mic.  
  
Jongwoon flips through his papers a last time before finally allowing himself to turn to the person beside him. His gaze is immediately met with intense dark eyes and he freezes.  
  
It unnerves him to think that Kyuhyun has been watching him the whole time.  
  
The corners of Kyuhyun’s lips curve up slightly again. ‘Let’s try our best and make the listeners happy, hyung,’ he says softly.  
  
Jongwoon says nothing. All he can focus on is the mild friendliness of Kyuhyun’s tone. After so many weeks of deliberately avoiding Jongwoon ... what on earth?  
  
Then the PD is indicating him to commence the programme and Jongwoon turns away from Kyuhyun, hoping that he can get through the night without making another thoughtless blunder.  
  


~***~  
  


Somehow, by some miracle, he gets through it. Without a single hitch. It is not even as hard as he imagined it to be.  
  
They both seemed to have come to some unspoken agreement to follow the same rule that had dictated Kyuhyun’s phone call on Jongwoon’s first day: just be Super Junior and interact normally, casually and cheerfully while on air. They adopt lively, enthusiastic voices as they present, announce, talk...  
  
Jongwoon tries to look at the maknae as just another member from SJ; someone around whom his words are not forced or awkward. Kyuhyun rises to the occasion and treats him more or less the same, chatting amicably about the topics they have to cover. Every so often, he inserts a witty comment into their banter – particularly while chattering with listeners who call into their show – making Jongwoon snort with amusement.  
  
‘Narcissistic smart aleck,’ he shoots without thinking at his dongsaeng, who has just told a female fan over the phone line that being Kyuhyun’s fan makes her special by default because Kyuhyun, the adorable witty maknae, is naturally the most special member of SuJu.  
  
Kyuhyun grins disarmingly at Jongwoon – a wide mischievous smile that takes the other by surprise – before laughingly telling the fan that Yesung hyung is just jealous as he rightfully should be, that old man.  
  
The girl laughs delightedly and says something else that Jongwoon does not catch. He has almost forgotten that they are in a studio, caught up as he is with Kyuhyun’s smiling face. He takes in the crinkles at the corners of the maknae’s eyes and the huge grin stretching his lips as he jokes with the caller. There seems nothing forced about it, nothing fake. He looks truly happy, like he is enjoying himself, hosting the show with Jongwoon.  
  
The latter bites his lips, looking down. Kyuhyun has avoided him for weeks. He has not even tried to talk to Jongwoon until that phone call two days ago. But now...  
  
How much of all this is an act?  
  
The show finally ends, cheery and light hearted on the outside, and it is somehow relieving to be able to leave the small enclosed studio. Or at least, Jongwoon thinks so until he realises that Kyuhyun is keeping tightly to his side. The boy walks with him, shoulder to shoulder, all the way down to the ground floor lobby, neither of them saying a word.  
  
Finally, long slender fingers wrap around his elbow and tug him back tentatively, making him halt in his tracks and turn round. Kyuhyun’s cheeks are slightly flushed and it takes a moment or two before he can look Jongwoon in the eyes.  
  
‘The ... uh, show tonight. It – it was fun,’ he half-stammers. He looks mildly embarrassed, but his gaze does not waver.  
  
Jongwoon wishes for what seems the millionth time that he can just outright  _know_  what to say to his dongsaeng. Even now, his brain is failing him.  
  
‘Yeah. Um ... you did good,’ he finally mutters and promptly feels like face-palming.  
  
Kyuhyun does not seem to mind his half-assed reply. If anything, he looks almost glad.  
  
‘I was really happy,’ he continues, his voice reflecting an odd mix of enthusiasm and seriousness, ‘to be given the chance to be a radio deejay with you on your show, hyung. So, I – er, what I mean to say is, thank you.’  
  
‘It wasn’t me,’ Jongwoon answers automatically, without thinking. ‘It was the PD who wanted you.’  
  
Kyuhyun’s grip on Jongwoon’s elbow loosens just the slightest. Something falters in his face and his eyes darken just a shade, widening.  
  
A moment passes and then realisation hits Jongwoon: how he has phrased his words just now ... it sounds too much like a rejection.  
  
 _Open mouth, insert foot._  
  
Kyuhyun’s eyes lower to somewhere around his collarbones and he says nothing, but the internal battle is clearly reflected on his features. Growing anxious though his mistake was not deliberate, Jongwoon opens his mouth to correct himself and then stops, suddenly noticing all the stares. The both of them are still standing in the middle of the lobby, Kyuhyun holding onto him, and people passing them by are throwing odd looks at the duo.  
  
He clears his throat, growing uncomfortable and self-conscious, and tries to ease his arm free. The action only drives Kyuhyun to tighten his grasp and he looks up, discreetly taking a step closer.  
  
‘I know it’s kind of early,’ he says steadily, as if the previous topic never happened, ‘but there is a grilled beef place just a couple of blocks away that’s pretty cheap and really good. So, if you’re hungry, hyung, maybe we could...?’  
  
It is almost painful to see the earnestness in the maknae’s eyes. His hand around Jongwoon’s elbow is like a death grip and he is so close that Jongwoon can smell the fragrance of his shampoo. There is just so much wrong in this scenario. Kyuhyun should not have to try this hard, for starters. And Jongwoon – as the hyung and sunbae, by rights it should be _him_  inviting  _Kyuhyun_  out to dinner, not the other way around.  
  
He really has messed things up so much, for both of them.  
  
Kyuhyun’s bold stare is insistent and sincere. It reminds him of the night of the storm and Kyuhyun’s soft plea of  _Stay_. He should say yes now; it is possibly a chance in a million to rebuild what he has broken between the two of them.  
  
But then his phone begins vibrating and he knows without looking that it is his manager. For the first time, Jongwoon wants to ignore it all. He wants to take Kyuhyun out and just sort this whole mess, but he knows it cannot be done right now. He has responsibilities to fulfil; he does not want to be rash and reckless in his work-related decisions just like how he has been careless with Kyuhyun. He cannot make the same mistake in another field of his life.  
  
So he answers quietly, wishing it were otherwise, ‘My schedule isn’t over yet for tonight. I have to leave in two minutes. Manager hyung’s already calling.’  
  
The disappointment is to be expected, but it still feels like a blow to his gut, seeing the way Kyuhyun’s face falls. His hand drops from Jongwoon’s arm and he looks away, nodding once.  
  
‘I understand. Good night, hyung.’  
  
Kyuhyun is the first to leave and Jongwoon curses the earth and sky and everything in between. Can something as trivial as  _bad timing_  really destroy what little chance he has of rebuilding that broken bridge between them?  
  
No, there will be other chances, he assures himself as he slowly follows Kyuhyun outside into the twilit street. But as he glances at the boy’s retreating back, he cannot help but wonder...  
  
Kyuhyun has obviously worked up a lot of courage to invite him out, especially considering that Jongwoon is much older than him. Jongwoon turned him down this time because of work; surely even the maknae can understand that,  _but_...  
  
It still remains that Kyuhyun got rejected. Again.  
  
Just how many blows can a person take?  
  
Even if any more chances are to come Jongwoon’s way ... will Kyuhyun still be willing to accept him?  
  


~***~  
  


In some corner of Jongwoon’s brain, there is every intention of making it up to Kyuhyun. He thinks that later, he will find the time to take his dongsaeng up on his offer and bring him out to a nice restaurant, just the two of them and talk things over and make things right. Somehow.  
  
But the thoughts are mostly fleeting because he – and the rest of Super Junior – are getting more and more overwhelmed with schedules, activities and last minute guest appearances on shows, most of which ensue from the continued success of U. Preparations for the upcoming year-end performances and awards do not help, either. In the end, he simply cannot find the time to seek out Kyuhyun. Their solo schedules clash together and days with group activities almost always end in group dinners with absolutely no privacy.  
  
It could have been possible if both of them had a schedule alone together – like the M4U hosting last time – but such an offer does not crop up again and the weeks go by. There is some improvement in that Kyuhyun seems to have stopped avoiding him altogether, but he has not renewed his previous attempts at closure, either. In fact, the two of them barely see much of each other, busier as they are getting. There is no time for chitchat in the mornings. At night, Jongwoon comes home either early to an empty bedroom or very late to a sleeping Kyuhyun. They work around each other, not even meeting throughout the day most of the time until Jongwoon begins to wonder if there really has been any improvement at all.  
  
Maybe it is not that Kyuhyun has stopped trying to avoid him. Maybe it is just that there is simply no need to try anymore.  
  
As it is, their very lives seem determined to keep them apart.  
  


~***~  
  


Years and years of inhuman training; day after day of pouring sweat, blood, straining muscles and abused vocal chords; night after night of unachieved dreams, insomnia and subconscious horrors of failure that come to life in the form of nightmares that haunt him for weeks on end – every single one of them is worth it, Jongwoon realises, as he stands on stage alongside the rest of the members, illuminated under the dazzling white lights, gazing out at the sea of people that are screaming and cheering. For them.  
  
For  _Super Junior_.  
  
Right now, he is not sure if this is their second or third win for U at an award show. Or maybe the fourth or fifth. Or even which award show it is. He has lost count after their first win – Super Junior’s first win  _ever_  – and all the consecutive nights and shows have merged together into one big emotional blur, but none of it matters because everything is just the same. All the feelings, the reactions, the tears, the watery smiles...  
  
Just like the first night, Jungsu is trying and utterly failing to hold in the tears as he trips over the words of his thank-you speech. The hand gripping the mic shakes while his other arm almost crushes the bouquet of flowers against his chest, teardrops falling onto the delicate petals. Beside and behind him, the rest of the members are a mess of tangled limbs, salty tears and disjointed laughter. They are surrounded by the runner-up artists and groups who applaud them, smiling, while the speakers blare their winning song, just low enough for Jungsu’s words to be carried across the audience.  
  
And what an audience! Jongwoon feels breathless, staring at the hundreds of pinpricks of sapphire blue light shining amongst the crowd, and the faces of all these people, mirroring the smiles and tears of the SJ members. Some of them holler words of encouragement and praise at them. It overwhelms him to bear witness to such support, such  _love_  - for them. What has he done to deserve these blessings?  
  
It feels unreal to be standing up here. His eyes wander, taking in with adoration and pride the rest of these people that make up his family here in Seoul. Jungsu has finally given up trying to talk and Donghae takes over the mic, a tearful smile on his lips as he proceeds to inform his late father of their achievement. Youngwoon, Donghee and Siwon are randomly hugging anyone and everyone within reach, and even the more composed men like Hangeng and Kibum appear to be sniffling, their eyes suspiciously bright. A bit farther away from the spotlight, Sungmin is holding a softly crying Ryeowook, who is no worse than Hyukjae; the lead dancer’s face is a scrunched up wet mess and Jongwoon watches as Heechul, in a rare moment of tenderness that he does not often express, loops a comforting arm around Hyukjae’s slim waist. The younger man needs no further invitation to bury his face in his hyung’s shoulder.  
  
In these moments, it fully sinks in what they are working for and how much effort they have put in to achieve it. They have none of them even dared to hope for this, but it has happened and it is only opening more doors for them, more paths to walk down on, more opportunities for success; and right then, Jongwoon just knows that they can make it. There is no doubt.  
  
He does not even realise that he is crying too until Youngwoon suddenly appears in front of him, grinning, and swipes his thumb across his wet cheeks almost playfully. He envelopes him in a bear hug and a choked laugh escapes Jongwoon before he hugs back just as fiercely.  
  
The jumbled speeches continue and everyone goes on embracing each other to the sounds of the audience’s cheers and U. Youngwoon lets go and Jongwoon blindly reaches for the next person, not caring who it is. He just needs to hold them, each and every one of them close to his heart because, to hell with pride, they are the best damn thing that has ever happened to him and they are all that he wants right now.  
  
It is all a chaotic blur and half the time he is not even sure who he is embracing, but their teary smiling faces pass across his eyes one by one and it is enough. Donghae glomps him out of nowhere, nuzzles his cheek and disappears just as fast, and Jongwoon cannot help but laugh as he grabs the forearm of another one. He yanks the member close, using the momentum to spin him towards Jongwoon and, within a split second, his recognises the other’s familiar dark eyes.  
  
The smile freezes on his face.  
  
And then Kyuhyun’s body is colliding into his, almost knocking the wind out of him.  
  
Kyuhyun is warm, the thought passes across some distant corner of his mind.  
  
Something seems to unfurl in his gut and contract back in again. In that moment, Jongwoon forgets that they are on stage, under the observing eyes of hundreds of people and the meddlesome lenses of cameras. They are both silent, unmoving, with Kyuhyun’s torso pressing lightly against Jongwoon’s chest.  
  
He tries to swallow past the strange lump in his throat. They are so close that his chin is almost resting on the maknae’s right shoulder. He can feel the latter’s cheek, positively radiating warmth, brushing against his own. Kyuhyun’s hot breath ghosts down the side of his neck, goosebumps erupting along its wake.  
  
The frozen moment may have lasted less than five seconds or more than a minute, Jongwoon cannot tell. But just when he returns to his senses, Kyuhyun finally acts. He pushes in even closer, much to the other’s surprise, and presses himself tightly against Jongwoon while his arms wrap around his waist, hands fisting into the small of his back. Warm breath fans his skin again when Kyuhyun lowers his head, burying his face in the crook of Jongwoon’s neck. Through the material of their clothes, he can feel Kyuhyun’s heartbeat against his chest, fast and pounding.  
  
His body responds automatically to Kyuhyun’s touch, immediately tensing up and becoming rigid just like it has been trained to react for the past several months. But next moment, all the unconscious stiffness disappears when he feels something wet dripping onto his skin; something that slowly trickles down his neck before disappearing down the collar of his shirt.  
  
It should not surprise him, really, because everyone else is crying too and it stands to reason that even their youngest member would be moved to tears from the sheer happiness of such a night. But, feeling the younger boy’s shaky breathing and trembling lips against his dampened skin, some part of Jongwoon wonders whether there is more than one reason for Kyuhyun’s tears.  
  
Perhaps he subconsciously understood the importance of this opportunity, because next moment, without really having realised it, he finds himself gently embracing the maknae back. Raising an arm, he curls his fingers in Kyuhyun’s hair before sliding his hand up and down his spine in a comforting caress, willing the younger’s crying to subside. Kyuhyun freezes at the gesture, but then relaxes in his arms, pressing so hard against Jongwoon that he almost stumbles under the weight.  
  
‘Hyung, I...’  
  
It is barely a murmur, so low it could have been his imagination, but Jongwoon has felt Kyuhyun’s lips move against his neck. It abruptly brings back the memory of that night, how Kyuhyun had whispered against his throat while Jongwoon held him during the storm – and somehow, it is like a sharp reminder of everything that has gone wrong until now, everything that  _is_  still wrong, and everything that possibly  _can_  go wrong in the future. Because ... right now is the chance that has eluded him for the past several weeks: the chance to fix this thing between him and Kyuhyun, to show Kyuhyun what he could not show him before, and if he screws up another time...  
  
Jongwoon tightens his embrace and moves his hand to caress his dongsaeng’s hair again. Kyuhyun exhales slowly and tries speaking once more,  
  
‘Hyung, I ... we ... we won.’  
  
There is a tremor in his voice from all the pent up emotion.  
  
‘I ... I know I haven’t been here long. Not even half as long as most of you, and ... maybe I don’t have the right to cry either, but...’  
  
Jongwoon says nothing, but his eyes begin to prickle at the corners. A couple of months or so ago, he would have shared that opinion.  
  
‘But right now... I’m just so happy.’  
  
The simple declaration carries so much weight that Jongwoon feels staggered. His caressing hand stills mid-action.  
  
‘I’m so happy, hyung,’ Kyuhyun continues, his voice just a breath. ‘I’m happy to be a part of this, a part of you all.’  
  
Jongwoon smiles involuntarily and raises his gaze from Kyuhyun’s shoulder. His eyes are met with the sight of the other clamouring members, who are still a mess of tangled limbs and happy tears, though the MCs have come back onto the stage to wrap up the ceremony. The cameramen are buzzing around, taking close-ups of anyone and everyone, and like a slap to the face, he suddenly remembers where they are and why.  
  
Kyuhyun, unaware of Jongwoon’s distraction, carries on, ‘I’m glad that I’m in SuJu ... that I’m ...’ he hesitates, ‘... accepted...’  
  
Jongwoon catches the other’s last words just as he notices a camera to one side of the stage that is aimed in their direction. He freezes. For how long have they been filmed?  
  
Kyuhyun hugs him tighter, if that is possible. ‘Jongwoon hyung –’  
  
They are standing a little behind the other members, mostly hidden from the audience. The cameraman steps a little closer, trying to get a clearer shot of them.  
  
‘– thank you. Truly...’  
  
The cameraman takes another step and Jongwoon realises the potential danger they are in. As always, they are under the hawk eyes of the public, and the public never hesitates to read too deeply into the simplest of matters. People are quick to judge and even quicker to form opinions, and he and Kyuhyun may just be about to fall into that dreaded pit.  
  
‘Thank you so much for –’  
  
How long have they been hugging like this? How many more people have noticed? Jongwoon knows, without a doubt, that if such an image as theirs is brought to the attention of fans, it will not be passed off as nothing. A brief hug between members is normal, acceptable; but what are they? It will be too easy for people to misunderstand them –  
  
‘– for ... accepting me. And hyung ...’  
  
They have to stop this. Now. Before both of them get hurt from the power of media and judgemental eyes. Jongwoon grasps Kyuhyun by the shoulders –  
  
‘ _Saranghaeyo_.’  
  
– and roughly pulls away from the intimate embrace.  
  
Kyuhyun’s shock is the first thing he registers. The younger man is staring at him, eyes wide and mouth slightly open.  
  
The second thing is that the cameraman, who has been trying to get an unhindered shot of them, has stopped in his tracks. Jongwoon thinks he seems almost disappointed; but the camera is still blatantly aimed at them.  
  
‘Hyung...?’ Kyuhyun, oblivious to their predicament, takes an uncertain step forward, but is fortunately stopped by an exuberant Donghae who pounces on him with an ecstatic ‘Kyuhyunnie~!’  
  
Jongwoon takes the chance to discreetly step away and bumps into Hangeng, who gives him a happy grin and wraps him in a one-armed hug. Jumping at the chance, he pats the Chinese man on the back and peeks over his shoulder at the nosy cameraman. He notes with relief that the man has now resigned himself to recording the others, having lost his chance to properly film the suspiciously intimate and extended interaction between Super Junior’s Yesung and Kyuhyun to share with the public. Jongwoon does not want to contemplate what the public – fans and antis alike – would have made of that.  
  
With a quick smile, he steps away from Hangeng and looks around, seeking Kyuhyun. The maknae is still playing victim to Donghae’s clutches, but their eyes meet and Jongwoon recognises a look he has seen multiple times before.  
  
Wordlessly, Kyuhyun looks away.  
  
Jongwoon clenches his fists, angry and frustrated. The very moment he thought that he had been granted the chance he needed with Kyuhyun...!  _Wrong place, right time..._  
  
He will explain the truth to Kyuhyun afterwards, Jongwoon decides. He needs to clear up the misunderstanding before it leads to further damage – but it proves impossible because the maknae does not return to the dorms after the show ends that night. Bewildered and worried, for he is sure that Kyuhyun was in the vans with them before, Jongwoon seeks out Jungsu for answers.  
  
The leader looks surprised at his inquiry. ‘The management gave Kyuhyun the day off tomorrow. He decided to leave for his parents’ house tonight itself after the awards ... didn’t he tell you?’  
  
Jongwoon says nothing. Not counting their short exchange at the awards, it has been a while since Kyuhyun has said anything to him.  
  
Jungsu looks carefully at him and Jongwoon immediately senses a huge umma-psychoanalysis coming up. He hastily thanks the leader, bids him good night and retreats to his dark bedroom. He curls up on the bed, facing the wall and pretends that he cannot feel the emptiness of Kyuhyun’s strewn blankets assaulting him throughout the night.  
  


~***~  
  


The next morning, Youngwoon spends the majority of breakfast mock-complaining about Kyuhyun getting the day off while the rest of them are slave driven. Sungmin half-heartedly scolds him (nicely) for being selfish, Ryeowook gives him second helpings of rice and Jongwoon ignores his existence as he downs his coffee.  
  
He wishes Youngwoon would stop talking about the boy. It is only just adding to the emptiness, frustration and anxiety that have been building up in him since the previous night.  
  
He curses the fates for not giving him his damn chance with Kyuhyun already.  
  
And then he is left wondering if the fates are denying him what he denied Kyuhyun in the first place.  
  
Most of their schedules are light that day, the only good thing about it. Jongwoon drags on the aloof smile he has perfected over the past few months, goes out to do his job, politely declines an invitation to go out for dinner with Kibum and Siwon, and returns to the dorms earlier than normal for him. With nothing better to do in the empty apartment, he makes himself comfortable on the sofa and stares unseeingly at the blank TV screen, mind heavy and burdened. That is how Sungmin finds him when he returns an hour and a half later, having finished his own schedules.  
  
It takes Jongwoon aback when Sungmin plops down on the armchair next to the sofa and holds out a large bowl of fresh strawberries.  
  
‘Bought them on my way home; I had an early night, too,’ says the younger man, as both a form of greeting and an explanation. ‘You like strawberries, right, hyung?’  
  
Jongwoon does, but he has absolutely no appetite. However, it feels rude to say no and it  _is_  sweet of Sungmin to offer him some despite the distance in their relationship, so he smiles slightly and takes one. Sungmin looks pleased and takes a handful himself.  
  
‘You’re not unwell, are you, Jongwoon hyung?’ he asks out of the blue, around a mouthful of strawberries.  
  
‘No.’ Jongwoon blinks, lowering the fruit from his mouth. ‘Why?’  
  
‘You were acting kinda off today.’  
  
‘Oh.’ Jongwoon chooses not to elaborate and nibbles on his strawberry.  
  
‘Is this about Kyuhyun again? I thought hyung was doing better with him.’  
  
Seriously, by now Jongwoon should be used to Sungmin’s shrewdness and how positively blunt he can be, but he still chokes. Sungmin leans over to thump his back quickly.  
  
‘What – what’d you mean, “doing better”?’ Jongwoon asks once his airway is clear again, shooting a rather incredulous look at Sungmin. Honestly, has he not been doing  _worse_  with Kyuhyun?  
  
‘You two looked pretty close last night. At the show, I mean.’  
  
Cue all the blood rushing to his face. The older man drops his gaze, mixed feelings of embarrassment and frustration assaulting him at the reminder.  _Last night_  ... last night was what could have been his salvation. But then everything went to hell again.  
  
‘I guess not, huh?’ Sungmin says at last, studying the other’s face.  
  
Jongwoon sighs and looks away. ‘I tried. I wanted to try ... but it wasn’t the right place and what with all the cameras and people, I didn’t handle everything very well and ...’ he chuckles bitterly, a dark look in his eyes. ‘Well, what else is new?’  
  
Sungmin says nothing, but offers the bowl again.  
  
‘You could try again, hyung,’ he ventures suddenly as Jongwoon picks out another strawberry. ‘Tonight.’  
  
The other man snorts as he sinks his teeth into the plump, juicy flesh. ‘Maybe I would if he were actually here.’  
  
‘Then you’ll get your chance in ... possibly about an hour tops, I think?’  
  
Jongwoon looks up, surprised.  
  
Sungmin reads the confusion in his eyes and explains, ‘Kyuhyun’s on his way back, of course. He has to be here before tomorrow’s activities. That’s why he left last night immediately after the awards. It’s not a lot of time one can spend with family...’  
  
 _Oh, right_. Jongwoon nods calmly in understanding, but his insides seem to have tied themselves into multiple knots at the information. He is not mentally ready for that confrontation, and so suddenly too. Having been so engrossed with his thoughts that day, he has not exactly thought of how he would explain himself to Kyuhyun yet.  
  
They don’t speak again, but the silence between them is not uncomfortable as they sit there, slowly sharing the strawberries between them. It is quiet and a peace that is uncommon in the usually overcrowded dorms falls over them. Despite the nervousness bubbling in the pit of his stomach, Jongwoon finds himself enjoying the moment.  
  
The moment lasts another languid half hour before it is ultimately shattered by the loud entry of one rambunctious Donghae. Jongwoon immediately suspects he is on a sugar high, judging by how he barged into the eleventh floor dormitory with the usual zeal that results from the consumption of too many sweets. This is proven momentarily by Hyukjae, who follows Donghae in with a pained look on his face and loudly declares that he will  _never_  invite the younger to a pastry shop with him and Junsu ever again.  
  
Donghae mock-pouts at him – everyone knows Hyukjae will never follow through with his mean threats – before bouncing over to the two men in the living room. ‘Hey there, hyun -  _strawberries!_ ’  
  
‘It’s nice to know we hold your priority over  _food_ ,’ drawls Sungmin dryly, but he smiles indulgently as Donghae helps himself to the fruits.  
  
On the other side, Jongwoon chuckles in amusement. ‘Why are you even here? This isn’t your floor, Donghae,’ he tells him playfully.  
  
Large, puppy dog eyes turn to him. ‘You’re kicking me out, Yesungie hyung?’  
  
‘If you’re going to bounce of the walls on your sugar high, then yes,’ Jongwoon grins.  
  
‘You should’ve known better than to give him pastries, Hyukkie,’ adds Sungmin loudly in a reproachful voice.  
  
‘I’m already regretting it, OK,’ barks Hyukjae from the kitchen. He emerges five seconds later with a can of cola and Donghae immediately perks up. Jongwoon grabs his wrist at once.  
  
‘Don’t even think about it. Drink any carbonated drinks in here and I’m throwing you out.’  
  
‘But,  _hyung_ ,’ Donghae half-whines, lower lip trembling. ‘You’ll do that to me? To your  _jjokkeumani_?’  
  
Hyukjae snorts as he perches on the arm of the sofa. ‘Aegyo is Sungmin hyung’s forte, Hae, not yours,’ he teases before happily snatching some strawberries from the almost-empty bowl.  
  
Jongwoon completely cracks up at the look on Donghae’s face. The boy begins to protest, flailing his arms at Hyukjae, but then pauses to look back at his laughing hyung.  
  
‘What?’ asks Jongwoon, still sniggering.  
  
Donghae smiles widely. ‘Nothing, I’m just happy to see you’re normal, hyung.’  
  
‘Eh? Why would you think I wasn’t normal?’  
  
‘You were acting kinda weird today.’  
  
Jongwoon blinks, smile fading slightly. Did  _everyone_  notice his mood today? Apparently he had been a lot more transparent than he realised. He side glances at Sungmin, but the younger is tactfully pretending not to have picked up on the implication.  
  
‘Something happened, didn’t it?’ Donghae presses, looking carefully at him.  
  
Jongwoon coughs, cheeks reddening slightly. ‘Eh ... uh, no.’  
  
‘Then why do you look like  _that_ , hyung?’ Donghae begins to grin slightly, a devilish look dawning on his face. ‘It’s something embarrassing, right?’  
  
‘What, no!’  
  
‘Then why can’t you say what it is?’ Donghae pokes his flushed cheeks playfully. ‘Are you hiding something from me, Jongwoonie hyung?’  
  
‘Donghae!’ Jongwoon tries to edge away, lightly slapping away the hands.  
  
‘You’re totally hiding something from me!’  
  
‘No, I’m not. Go away.’  
  
‘ _Hyukkie_ , hyung’s hiding something! Get him to tell us.’  
  
‘Don’t drag me into this.’ Hyukjae finishes off the last strawberry and licks his fingers clean.  
  
‘... I bet it’s something that is totally  _blackmail material_.’  
  
The living room grows deathly quiet. Only the tick-tock of the clock can be heard for several seconds.  
  
Finally, ‘You’re evil,’ breathes Sungmin, staring at Donghae with something akin to awe on his face.  
  
Donghae just grins triumphantly, watching Hyukjae expectantly. The young man has frozen at Donghae’s last words. Slowly, his eyes coming alive, Hyukjae turns to look at Jongwoon.  
  
Jongwoon feels as if a void has opened up beneath him. He knows what is coming next.  
  
‘So, are you going to tell us or not, hyung?’ Hyukjae tilts his head to one side. He looks deceptively innocent and positively adorable like that, but Jongwoon recognises the dangerous, mischievous glint in his eyes.  
  
‘Don’t you dare –’ he begins warningly. Wrong move.  
  
In an instant, Hyukjae tackles him to the sofa, unopened can of cola sent flying. His long, wiggling fingers immediately fly all over Jongwoon’s body, tickling him everywhere and Jongwoon cannot choke down the shrieks of laughter that escape his lips as he struggles to evade those evil fingers. With a maniacal grin, Hyukjae skilfully avoids his slapping hands and increases the intensity of his attack, making the elder roar with laughter while Donghae and Sungmin cackle in the background, the former cheering on Hyukjae.  
  
‘Surrender your secrets, hyung!’ Hyukjae commands, grabbing his sides.  
  
‘In your dreams,’ grunts Jongwoon, gasping for breath and still trying to get the other off him.  
  
‘Your funeral,’ says Hyukjae with a diabolical grin.  
  
Jongwoon, however, has seen an opening. The moment he gains some proper leverage against the sofa with his left leg, he grabs Hyukjae by the hips and manages to flip his dongsaeng underneath him with one forceful manoeuvre. With a yell of protest, Hyukjae tries to tickle him again, but Jongwoon grabs his wrists and pins them down on either side of Hyukjae’s head while simultaneously straddling him to keep him down. The younger boy tries to free himself, but Jongwoon has not won every single arm wrestling match that Hyukjae has challenged him to for nothing, after all. He grins victoriously down at his squirming dongsaeng, finally able to catch his breath.  
  
‘You honestly didn’t think you’d win against me, did you?’  
  
Jongwoon’s triumph lasts only three seconds though, because he had forgotten to calculate in another person’s presence. Next thing he knows, Donghae has pounced on him from behind, guffawing loudly in his ears as he begins tickling his armpits.  
  
‘Not fair!’ shouts Jongwoon, trying to get Donghae off his back, but the moment he releases Hyukjae’s wrists, Hyukjae takes the chance to grab his sides and tickle his stomach again, smirking. The living room immediately fills with roaring laughter once more and Jongwoon, in a desperate attempt to get away from all the torture, lets his full weight fall on Hyukjae, completely smothering the young man underneath him. The latter yells in protest, but right now, Jongwoon cannot care that he is crushing one of his favourite dongsaengs. At least Hyukjae’s hands are not free anymore; he only has Donghae to deal with.  
  
‘A little help would be nice,’ he calls out to Sungmin, trying to shoulder Donghae away without freeing the boy under him. Donghae only holds on tighter and tries to tickle his throat, chanting, ‘Tell me your embarrassing secret, hyung. Tell me tell me tell me.’  
  
‘I really don’t think I want to get involved in that,’ replies Sungmin bemusedly just as the door opens and Heechul walks in.  
  
The effeminate man stops dead in his tracks, gaping at the scene unfolding in front of him and then makes a face.  
  
‘Honestly,’ he drawls sarcastically, as he makes his way to the empty armchair beside Sungmin. ‘When I thought I’d take the opportunity of a rare free night to see how my dongsaengs were doing down on the eleventh floor, I did  _not_  want to walk in on them having a threesome right on the living room sofa.’  
  
‘What?!’ exclaims Jongwoon. At the same time, Sungmin chokes on the cola that Hyukjae had previously discarded.  
  
‘Have you seen yourself?’ Heechul demands, crossing one leg over the other as he crocks an eyebrow at Jongwoon. ‘Grinding full on against Hyukjae while Donghae rides you like a bloody pony?’  
  
‘Heechul hyung!’ cry out four voices, scandalised.  
  
Heechul snickers. ‘It’s true. Do you have any idea how many women would kill to be in your position right now?’  
  
Blushing furiously, Jongwoon tries to buck Donghae off him again, but them immediately stops, realising that the scenario really does look like how Heechul has described it. The older man begins to laugh again and Jongwoon buries his face in Hyukjae’s shoulder, humiliated. He wishes Donghae would stop straddling him from behind already.  
  
But of course the youngest boy in the room has other ideas and he resumes his attack on Jongwoon, starting up the chaos again. Poor Hyukjae, crushed at the very bottom, is subjected to the full brunt of it and he yelps out,  
  
‘Sungmin hyung, help me –!’  
  
‘You started it, you know.’  
  
Hyukjae groans in exasperation (and some pain, for the struggling duo on top of him are getting even more zealous) and looks imploringly at his last resort. ‘Heechul hyung ...?’  
  
Heechul raises an eyebrow again. ‘Yes?’  
  
‘Um ... lend a hand, pleas -  _Ow!_ ’  
  
A leer slowly stretches across the man’s good-looking face. ‘Lend a hand? To what, your shenanigans?’  
  
‘No, that’s not what I – !’  
  
‘Threesome’s not kinky enough for ya, Hyukkie?’ Heechul drawls, smirking and obviously enjoying himself far too much. ‘You’d rather that I join in and turn it into a full blown orgy?’  
  
‘ _Hyung!_ ’  
  
Heechul laughs heartily. ‘Yeah, that’s what I thought. I’d much rather be voyeurs with Sungmin, anyway.’  
  
Sungmin looks up, appearing slightly offended, and tries to protest, but before he can get a word out, the door of the apartment is thrown open so hard it bangs off the wall. Donghae freezes from where he has Jongwoon in a headlock and all five people in the living room look round at the entrance.  
  
A moment later, Kyuhyun appears in the doorway, almost tripping over his own feet as he stumbles inside and flings a rucksack to one side. A hassled-looking Ryeowook rushes in immediately afterwards and grabs the maknae around the waist to support him for he is obviously inebriated out of his mind.  
  
‘Kyuhyun, stop,’ he says worriedly when the younger boy tries to shake him off. ‘Please, you need – here, I’ll take you to your room, you need to sleep it off –’  
  
‘Don’t need,’ grunts the maknae, trying to shove Ryeowook away. ‘I don’t – gerroff me. I dun need you –’  
  
‘Come on, Kyu.’ Ryeowook keeps a firm grip around the stumbling boy. ‘Why’d you drink so much...?’ His voice trails off when he finally notices the people present. ‘Oh. Uh. Hey...’  
  
Kyuhyun looks round, squinting. A few seconds pass before he seems to recognise any of them; his eyes pass blearily over Sungmin and Heechul before focussing on the trio on the sofa. All of them are as they were before, not having moved a muscle since the two maknaes entered. Kyuhyun blinks a couple of times and his eyes grow slightly clearer as he takes in the scene of Hyukjae underneath Jongwoon underneath Donghae.  
  
A shadow falls across his face.  
  
‘Kyuhyun,’ speaks up Sungmin suddenly, as if having sensed some sort of danger. ‘Good, you’re back already!’  
  
He does not get a reply. Kyuhyun barely seems to have heard him as he continues to stare through his drunken haze. His focus narrows in on the eldest man on the sofa and something seems to snap in his eyes.  
  
‘You...!’ He roughly pulls away from Ryeowook and half-runs, half-stumbles towards the man in question. ‘ _You!_ ’  
  
In an instant, Donghae has slid off Jongwoon’s back and the latter quickly rises to his feet, freeing Hyukjae who jumps up and quickly gets out of Kyuhyun’s way. The maknae ignores all of them and lungs drunkenly at Jongwoon.  
  
‘You!’  
  
Jongwoon sees it coming; he could have stopped or dodged it, but doesn’t, allowing Kyuhyun’s fist to land on his jaw.  
  
It stings something awful, his head snaps to one side and Jongwoon tastes the coppery tang of blood in his mouth, but he welcomes it. He welcomes the pain, the raw anger behind it and the sheer  _peace_  it brings to his mind. This is what he has unconsciously been waiting for, what he deserves from Kyuhyun and more. This is perhaps the true beginning of his redemption, his chance.  
  
He turns back just as Kyuhyun lands another punch to his gut. This time, however, there is not a lot of strength behind it and it only leaves him slightly winded. He hears someone calling for Kyuhyun to stop, but the maknae speaks over them, half-yelling and almost unintelligible in his state of intoxication –  
  
‘You, just – just  _why_! I don’t – don’t even ...!’  
  
He lungs at Jongwoon again and the latter braces himself, expecting more pain, but Kyuhyun just crashes into him, clutching at his shoulders. The momentum sends him stumbling back; his legs hit the sofa behind him and for the second time that night, Jongwoon finds himself tackled back onto it, but this time with Kyuhyun atop him instead.  
  
He glimpses Ryeowook rushing forward to help him, but he stops dead when Kyuhyun begins to shout at Jongwoon again and this time, his words are quite coherent,  
  
‘Why?! Just,  _why_ , huh? Why! Tell me what I’m doing wrong!’  
  
Shocked, Jongwoon gapes at the boy sprawled on him and sees for the first time that there are actual tears in Kyuhyun’s hazy, bloodshot eyes. His nails sink into his shoulders and he almost shakes Jongwoon, knees digging into the sides of Jongwoon’s thighs.  
  
‘You tell me what I should do! What is it that you want me to do?’ He is positively crying now, voice shaking and raw with anger and hurt. Jongwoon has never seen him like this. ‘You – you ...! I love hyung so much, but you always,  _always_ push me away! W-why do you ... you h-hate me s-so much?’ He squeezes his eyes shut and more tears escape from under his eyelids. ‘I ... I don’t know what to do anymore...’  
  
For the life of him, Jongwoon cannot think of a single thing to say. Speechless and shaken, he just stares at his crying dongsaeng, taking in his tears, his tortured eyes reflecting every bit of anger and hurt Jongwoon has caused him, and the premature lines of exhaustion on his young face. He tiredly lowers his head to Jongwoon’s shoulder, letting go of his passion and remaining strength entirely. Jongwoon gasps a little as Kyuhyun’s dead weight nearly crushes him. He can feel the tears soaking through his shirt.  
  
Drunk, fatigued and on the verge of passing out, Kyuhyun speaks again, quieter now, ‘The only thing I ever wanted from hyung was for you to accept me ... Was that too much...?’  
  
He falls silent after that, finally losing consciousness from all the alcohol in his system. Jongwoon swallows thickly, listening to the sound of his own heartbeat. Someone clears his throat and, with a start, he remembers they are not alone.  
  
Heechul, Sungmin, Hyukjae, Ryeowook and Donghae are all standing back, staring at them with varying degrees of utter shock, confusion and pity. Hyukjae clears his throat again and Heechul, taking Donghae’s arm, mutters lowly, ‘I think it’s time we returned upstairs.’  
  
Ashamed of himself and mortified, Jongwoon looks down at the sleeping Kyuhyun in his arms, avoiding their eyes. To his surprise and gratitude though, Sungmin pats his arm and whispers, ‘Take your chance, hyung. Fighting!’ before retreating to the bedroom with Hyukjae, and Heechul adds quietly, ‘I’ll keep Jungsu from coming down here tonight.’  
  
It takes him aback, this rare side of Heechul, but it is not unwelcome and he tries to smile at the older man as he leaves the apartment with Donghae. Only Ryeowook lingers, wringing his hands slightly.  
  
‘Um, hyung...?’  
  
Jongwoon exhales softly. ‘Yeah, Wookie?’ He remembers that Ryeowook is one of the few people who is aware of his situation with Kyuhyun.  
  
‘I just ... um ...’  
  
‘What is it?’  
  
‘Uh, remember that time Kyuhyun came home drunk and sobbing over Teukie hyung, many months ago? I think I mentioned it...’  
  
Jongwoon nods emotionlessly. Now that Kyuhyun and Jungsu actually have a stable, affectionate hyung-dongsaeng relationship, the incident has become something of a fond joke among the members. ‘What about it?’  
  
‘Well,’ Ryeowook looks reluctantly at him, but his eyes are determined. ‘I just thought I should tell you now that Teukie hyung is not the only one Kyuhyun has cried over in the past ... And ...’ He looks down, ‘this ... is not the first time he’s broken down because of you. It’s about time you knew.’  
  
Biting his lip, Ryeowook leaves and Jongwoon cannot remember ever having felt as horrible as he does right now. He looks at Kyuhyun, asleep on his shoulder, and feels a prickling sensation at the corner of his eyes. Gritting his teeth to keep back all the curses he wants to yell at himself, he wraps his arms around the boy, holding him tightly.  
  
For a singer, he thinks that he is highly inadequate when it comes to words. Even now, they evade him. So, he buries his nose in Kyuhyun’s soft hair and mumbles the only ones that come to mind. They are short and empty-sounding and not even close to enough, but they  _are_  true and sincere and from the bottom of his heart, and he repeats them over and over again into Kyuhyun’s hair:  
  
 _I’m sorry, Kyuhyun ... I shouldn’t have – I’m sorry..._  
  
He has failed Kyuhyun and himself so badly and so many times. His recent measly efforts have been pointless. He has been unable to stop everything from spiralling out of hand. But...  
  
Looking down at Kyuhyun and observing his sleeping face, Jongwoon is reminded of the first time he has ever held Kyuhyun this close: the first time he had been given a chance to right his wrongs, the chance that he messed up and subsequently made everything so much worse. It feels almost like déjà vu having Kyuhyun asleep in his arms again, but this time – this time will be different. This time, he will not let the fates take away his chance again or screw it up like he has done before. This time...  
  
 _This time, I’ll stay_.  
  


~***~  
  


It is utterly silent in the living room when he wakes up. Silent and dark, just barely lit from the dim light of dawn trickling in through the windows. Jongwoon blinks slowly. It is too early to be up. His schedules do not start until much later today, if he remembers correctly –  
  
 _What the?_  His eyes widen as he feels something on his arm. At the same time, he registers the weight resting on top of him, warm and heavy.  
  
Kyuhyun.  
  
Holding his breath and trying not to move his lower body, he looks down. Kyuhyun has shimmied down a bit from his previous position last night; instead of his shoulder, his head is now resting on Jongwoon’s chest. And judging from the fact that he is tapping a finger against Jongwoon’s forearm, which is hanging over the side of the sofa, he is very much awake.  
  
The first thing Jongwoon wonders is why Kyuhyun is still there. Wouldn’t he have wanted to get as far away as possible after everything that happened last night? But ... he cannot deny he is glad Kyuhyun stayed. Perhaps he has not left yet because Jongwoon had been asleep – and ... if Kyuhyun still wants to stay... maybe that means that not all hope is lost, after all...  
  
The tapping on his forearm continues and Jongwoon focuses on it, frowning thoughtfully. Several seconds later, he realises that there is a rhythm to it, a certain beat...  
  
Kyuhyun presses just a bit tighter against his chest, adjusting the position of his head, and then realisation strikes Jongwoon.  
  
His heartbeat.  
  
His throat goes dry. He cannot explain it, but the thought of Kyuhyun listening to his heart and tapping out its rhythm feels like something forbidden and intimate, extremely so. His heart accelerates, beginning to pound against his chest and Jongwoon curses it; it will give him away.  
  
Kyuhyun notices the change at once. His tapping finger halts on Jongwoon’s arm and he turns rigid for just a second before quickly lifting his head. His dark eyes meet Jongwoon’s open ones, his gaze fills with alarm and embarrassment (along with something that almost looks like shame, but why?) and next moment, he is sitting up, hurrying to get off Jongwoon’s body.  
  
In almost slow motion, Jongwoon sees his chance slipping away. If he does not stop it now, then that will be the end of it. He just knows it.  
  
He does not pause to think; he just reacts, grabbing Kyuhyun to pull him back down on top of him again, and loops his arms around his slim waist so that he cannot get away. Kyuhyun stares down at him slightly open-mouthed, a kaleidoscope of emotions bursting into life in his eyes. His cheeks redden and his warm breath, still carrying a faint smell of soju, washes over Jongwoon’s face.  
  
Jongwoon licks his dry lips. The colossal significance of this moment sinks into his mind, reminding him of exactly how much is at stake. There are so many things left unsaid that needs to be said, right here, right now. And so Jongwoon begins, with a simple word,  
  
‘Stay.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drunken emotional breakdowns is the second thing I do not apologise for. The first is cliffhangers.


	6. Heart-to-Heart

_Stay_.  
  
The irony is almost laughable that it is him, Jongwoon, who is now making the same request of Kyuhyun which he had denied him in the first place. Kyuhyun is fully within his rights to mock him now, to sneer, turn away and leave – but he does not. A shadow has fallen across his eyes, still mildly bloodshot from the previous night’s alcohol, and his lips are pressed tight together, keeping his face emotionless – but he still remains in the trap of Jongwoon’s arms, silent, wary and waiting.  
  
And it is so much more than what Jongwoon has ever offered Kyuhyun. So much more than what he had cared to give when it was Kyuhyun who had wanted this very same thing from him: to stay and listen and give Kyuhyun a chance. The guilt that rises up within Jongwoon is so consuming that in that moment, he cannot find the air to breathe let alone the words to speak.  
  
‘I...’ His tongue stops there and Jongwoon wishes there was a way he can let Kyuhyun know what he is feeling now, what he has wanted to tell Kyuhyun for the past few months, and just  _how much_  he has wanted Kyuhyun to know all along, because  _words_  - what words in the world are enough to convey what is in his heart to this boy in his arms?   
  
But Kyuhyun is still waiting and Jongwoon has to – needs to – convey all of that, somehow, with whatever words he can find.   
  
Because it has always been the ultimate barrier between them – this cold unending silence – and if Jongwoon cannot bring down that wall in this final opportunity, then he and Kyuhyun will only ever remain what they are even now ... two strangers living under the same roof.  
  
‘Kyuhyun, I...’ Jongwoon swallows. ‘I just ... listen to me, please, I...’  
  
Kyuhyun looks expressionlessly at him for a few seconds, and then sighs. ‘You ... I am listening, hyung. I’ve always been listening. You’ve just never given me anything to listen to.’  
  
The cold truth behind that simple statement pierces Jongwoon like a knife blade and his chest constricts so painfully with all his pent up guilt that he feels literally sick to his stomach, and yet he knows that what he is feeling now is nothing compared to the grief he has caused Kyuhyun. Said boy is watching him again, tight-lipped and weary and waiting, but when several seconds pass in silence, he pushes slightly against Jongwoon’s chest.  
  
‘But I am tired of waiting, hyung,’ he says quietly as he tries to ease out of Jongwoon’s unrelenting arms. ‘I’m tired of listening for something I will never hear –’  
  
‘I’m sorry.’  
  
Kyuhyun stops struggling and stares down at Jongwoon, his bloodshot eyes widening. His breath catches in his throat and his dry lips part slightly, trembling a little.   
  
‘I’m sorry,’ Jongwoon hears himself repeating his apology again. His voice comes out hoarse and shaky, and his hands shake a little too as he tentatively reaches up to slowly brush back the hair flopping into Kyuhyun’s disbelieving eyes. He hears Kyuhyun’s little intake of breath as his fingertips skim over the heated skin of his forehead and then Kyuhyun suddenly bites his trembling lips hard, squeezing his eyes shut.   
  
Instinctively, Jongwoon tightens the arm he has left around the boy’s waist, afraid that Kyuhyun will push himself off and walk away and never come back to him, leaving Jongwoon to drown in this mess that will never be cleared up. He cannot allow that, not when he is so close to reaching out to Kyuhyun...  
  
And yet, watching Kyuhuyn open his eyes again and seeing the tears pooling in them, he has never felt so far away from him, either. Their relationship right now is so fragile, Kyuhyun is so fragile, and only one wrong word or move from Jongwoon is needed to break them – him – beyond repair.   
  
His heartbeat is painful against his ribs and it is not until he feels a wetness at the corner of his left eye that Jongwoon realises Kyuhyun is not the only one shedding tears.   
  
Kyuhyun breathes out shakily, another tear escaping his eyelids, but he ignores it and gazes down at Jongwoon so intensely it almost comes off as a glare. ‘What?’ he whispers, almost hisses, and underneath the conflicting emotions, Jongwoon can hear the confrontation in his voice; the challenge.  
  
It is a dare, almost a command that Jongwoon come right out and confess everything he is holding back. From a very different perspective, it is also a second chance that Kyuhyun is offering – and Jongwoon has no intention of losing it.  
  
‘I’m sorry, Kyuhyun-ah,’ he says softly and sincerely, meeting the dark eyes boring into his own. ‘I’m so sorry for all these several months, for everything.’  
  
Kyuhyun swallows and more tears escape, but his eyes does not waver (though his voice does). ‘And? What is that? What is  _everything_?’  
  
Jongwoon’s mouth opens slightly. It should not surprise him that Kyuhyun is pushing this. After everything, Kyuhyun deserves Jongwoon’s proper acknowledgement and now, it is crystal clear he is not afraid to demand it. Jongwoon owes it to Kyuhyun, his attention and his words. And a whole lot more.  
  
‘For everything ...’ Jongwoon murmurs, trying to find those elusive words to elaborate. ‘For ... for not welcoming you into our group first of all, even though,’ he thinks back to how Kyuhyun had looked the first time they met, ‘though that was when you needed us to be good hyungs to you the most. Everyone else at least tried. I ... I wouldn’t even shake your hand.’  
  
Jongwoon swallows the lump forming in his throat and tries to continue, grappling desperately for the right sentences, ‘And then – then ... I’m sorry for not accepting you even afterwards. For being so selfish and – and not considering your feelings ... you kept trying so hard and – I’m sorry I did nothing but push you away, every single time. I ... you ... I kept trying to pretend that – that you weren’t there, that I didn’t care one bit and ... I’m sorry, Kyuhyun ... for making you try so hard,’ Jongwoon’s voice cracks a little. ‘I’m sorry for not looking and not listening and not speaking and...’  
  
 _He’s sorry for all the looks he didn’t return, all the words he didn’t listen to, all the things he didn’t say, and all the touches he didn’t reciprocate..._  
  
Kyuhyun’s eyes are still unreadable, but only due to the explosive myriad of different emotions in them rather than a lack of. Pressed down flush against Jongwoon, his heartbeat is easily felt through their clothes, fast and thumping, and Jongwoon thinks back to earlier when he woke up to Kyuhyun tapping the rhythm of Jongwoon’s own heartbeat on his forearm...  
  
The next words come automatically, without an effort. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t stay.’  
  
Jongwoon thinks he feels Kyuhyun’s heart skip a beat. The maknae is gaping at him through his teary eyes, mouth agape, and Jongwoon gives into the impulse to brush his thumb across his cheek, wiping the tear trails. Kyuhyun involuntarily closes his eyes at the gentle touch. Jongwoon’s fingers trail up, pushing back his fringe again before coming down to rest on his jawbone.   
  
‘I’m sorry for not staying,’ Jongwoon repeats in a stronger voice and it almost feels like they have been transported back to that night of the storm. ‘And I’m sorry for making you feel abandoned, time and time again. Most of all, I’m sorry for not being able to make things right earlier. I’m sorry I was pathetic and cowardly and a fool.’  
  
Kyuhyun slowly opens his eyes and they look even more bloodshot than earlier, reminding Jongwoon of what happened last night after the inebriated maknae and Ryeowook came back ... The unshed tears at the corner of his eyes finally spill over and his voice breaks as he forces out the next words,  
  
‘I’m sorry for making you like this, Kyuhyun-ah, this is all my fault. I’m sorry I made you break down so many times and for causing you so much pain and for hurting you no matter what I did. I’m sorry for not being there when you needed me. I’m ...’ he stops dead as Kyuhyun suddenly stifles a sob; his dongsaeng now looks much like how he did last night when he lost control: defeated and broken. Jongwoon’s heart clenches at the sight.  
  
‘... I’m sorry for not being the hyung you deserve.’  
  
Without a word, Kyuhyun lets his head drop onto Jongwoon’s shoulder, much like the previous night. His shoulders tremble under Jongwoon’s fingertips and the hot tears leak into Jongwoon’s shirt, damping his skin.  
  
There is complete silence for a minute, save for Kyuhyun’s strained breathing. He finally speaks, voice low and hoarse, ‘Can you let go now, hyung?’  
  
Jongwoon thinks his heart stops beating for a second, in shock and fear.  
  
And then Kyuhyun adds, ‘My head hurts and this is uncomfortable...’  
  
‘Oh.’   
  
Jongwoon swallows, his heart still clenching painfully. With the utmost reluctance, he loosens his arm from around Kyuhyun’s waist. He holds his breath, still terrified that Kyuhyun will walk away, but the boy simply shifts off Jongwoon’s body so that he is lying awkwardly on his side beside the older man, right at the outer edge of the sofa.   
  
Kyuhyun had done a fair job of ignoring his hangover earlier, but this movement disorients him; he almost falls right off the edge and Jongwoon turns to grab him around the waist again. He shifts as far back as possible to make more room and pulls Kyuhyun along. It is then that Jongwoon feels the déjà vu, as the both of them lie still for several seconds, facing each other and forced close together by the limited space on a piece of furniture not designed to accommodate the horizontal bodies of more than one person. Kyuhyun’s breath washes over Jongwoon’s lips and he wonders, staring into the conflicted dark eyes staring into his own, whether Kyuhyun is thinking about the same memory that he is...  
  
Rain and thunder, hot chocolate and thick blankets, low whispers and soft breathing, a warm touch...  
  
‘Hyung...’  
  
Jongwoon breaks eye contact, suddenly losing confidence and scared of himself, of Kyuhyun, everything. Removing his arm from around the boy, he begins to sit up, muttering nervously, ‘You need something for your hangover? I’ll get some water –’  
  
‘You’re doing it again.’  
  
Jongwoon freezes as Kyuhyun grabs his forearm. ‘You’re pushing me away again, just like always.’ Kyuhyun’s fingers tighten, almost like a plea. ‘Hyung ... just now, I felt like you were opening up to me for the first time. Please ... don’t. Don’t go back there again. Not now.’  
  
Jongwoon does not know what he feels – shame or guilt or fear – as he slowly lies down again. Kyuhyun keeps holding onto his arm and Jongwoon lets him.  
  
Minutes pass. The darkness of the living room lightens ever so slowly as the depth of night crawls into dawn. The heavy silence persists, punctuated only by the amplified echoes of the drip-drip of the leaky kitchen tap. Meanwhile, the warmth of Kyuhyun’s fingers never leaves.  
  
‘What are you so scared of?’  
  
The whispered question catches Jongwoon by surprise. He gapes at Kyuhyun, whose eyes have never left him.  
  
‘Do I scare you?’ he prompts quietly when there is no answer coming forthwith.   
  
‘Yes. No. Maybe, I don’t know...’ Jongwoon hears himself reply before his brain catches up.  
  
Kyuhyun swallows. ‘Then why is it you keep looking for a way to run from me? Back then, and even now – even after saying you regret everything...?’  
  
Several seconds pass before Jongwoon can even think properly, still shaken by the unprecedented question. ‘Maybe ... I’m scared of myself. Scared of what I become when I’m around you.’ He bites his lips. ‘And maybe ... I’m scared of what you represent.’  
  
‘What do I represent?’ Kyuhyun’s voice is so low Jongwoon almost does not hear him. His eyes grow darker, filled with fear.  
  
‘... Everything I’m not. Everything I can’t be. And everything I’ve done wrong – what I’ve done to you.’  
  
Jongwoon breathes in deeply, allowing Kyuhyun to digest his words before adding, ‘And perhaps what you represent most, what scares me most, is what I don’t know.’  
  
Confusion immediately tinges the swirling emotions in Kyuhyun’s eyes. ‘Wh – what does that mean, what you don’t know?’  
  
Jongwoon licks his lips slowly, avoiding the other’s gaze. ‘What you want from me, Kyuhyun ... I know exactly where my relationships with all my other dongsaengs stand. What we expect from each other, what we are to each other. But you ... what am I to you? What do you want from me? I don’t know.’  
  
‘Jongwoon hyung...’  
  
‘I – I don’t know what you see me as. I don’t know how you look at me. And when y–you ... touch me’ – Kyuhyun’s breath catches and Jongwoon knows he’s breached a forbidden subject, yet it is no secret between them; just a transgression previously unspoken of that he needs to speak about now – ‘I don’t know what is on your mind at those times. I don’t know exactly what you want from me.’  
  
‘Hyung...’  
  
Jongwoon speaks over him, afraid if he stops now, the words may never come again, ‘I do know you wanted me to pay attention to you, Kyuhyun. No matter how much I pretended to not notice you were there, I knew that much even though I ignored it. And what Sungmin told me – that’s true, too. I know you wanted me to care about you. But ...’ He falters.  
  
‘But...?’ Kyuhyun prompts, and in that moment, he looks as scared as Jongwoon himself.  
  
‘But ... to what extent?’   
  
Kyuhyun’s lips part and Jongwoon has to force out the rest before he loses his nerve. ‘Last night, before you passed out ... you said all you ever wanted was for me to accept you.’  
  
‘Yes...’  
  
‘But how far does that go? To what extent do you want me to accept you? Just as my dongsaeng or ...?’  
  
Kyuhyun’s breathing is so hoarse and shaky it sounds almost painful and his voice trembles a little as he whispers, ‘Why are you asking me this? What makes you think of me this way?’  
  
‘ _Because_  ... All this time, during these past several months, everything you’ve done around me ... no other dongsaeng – no other  _person_  has ever been like that with me...’  
  
Silence falls and Jongwoon wonders if he is about to regret voicing these thoughts, which his subconscious used to nurse at the back of his mind; the thoughts he refused to acknowledge for so long because he was afraid of what they might mean, afraid of how they might change him, afraid that he would finally find a name to put to that emotion he often sees in Kyuhyun’s dark eyes when the younger man looks at him...  
  
His heart almost stops as Kyuhyun suddenly slides the hand he left on Jongwoon’s arm up until he is gently grasping his wrist. With a gentle tug, he lifts Jongwoon hand and places it on his own head, threading Jongwoon’s fingers through his hair with his own. Kyuhyun guides Jongwoon’s hand with his fingers, through his hair and then down the side of his face in a caress before bringing it to rest on his cheek. His eyes never leave Jongwoon’s the whole time.  
  
‘This is what you do to Donghae hyung.’  
  
Jongwoon, who has been feeling as if a frog has lodged somewhere in his throat, nods slowly, heart pounding hard against his ribs. ‘Yes...’  
  
‘You often touch Hyukjae hyung like this, too.’  
  
‘Yes.’  
  
‘And Kibum and Ryeowook and Siwon, you touch and hug them a lot ... and you play around a lot with Youngwoon and Donghee.’  
  
‘Yes,’ repeats Jongwoon like a mantra, hardly noticing that Kyuhyun has dropped honorifics.  
  
‘Even the older members ... every now and then, you mess around with Heechul and Jungsu hyung.’  
  
‘...yes.’  
  
‘That is what I wanted – want – from you, Jongwoon hyung.’ Kyuhyun’s palm tightens over Jongwoon’s hand, pressing it harder against his cheek. ‘How you are with the rest of them, you were never with me...’  
  
Jongwoon drops his gaze. ‘No...’ he agrees, ashamed.  
  
‘You hated me.’  
  
‘Yes.’  
  
Kyuhyun’s hand tightens even more and Jongwoon sincerely adds, ‘At first.’  
  
Kyuhyun pauses a few seconds, breathing deeply, before declaring, ‘I’ve waited so long for you to accept me. It wasn’t your apology that I wanted, but I want to accept it all the same, only ... I can’t.’  
  
Jongwoon starts, feeling his heart sink, as if a void has opened beneath him. ‘Kyuhyun-ah...’  
  
‘Tell me why,’ Kyuhyun interrupts. The challenging spark is back in his eyes and he deliberately moves closer. ‘Apologising for everything that happened is not enough, hyung. I need to know why it happened in the first place.’  
  
‘Kyuhyun...’  
  
‘You owe me, hyung,’ Kyuhyun’s voice breaks a little. ‘You owe me at least this much...’  
  
Jongwoon looks at him, acknowledging the truth in his words. Mouth dry, he says quietly, ‘There is no excuse. Just my own pathetic selfishness. Nothing else.’  
  
‘...Explain.’  
  
‘You were competition. There already were eleven other members in the group, and we were struggling. We were not popular, we had no guarantee we would make it. And even after our debut, there didn’t seem to be much hope for me. Even from among all of us, I’m one of the members with the least number of fans, and fans mean everything; success, money, fame, the guarantee of a future ... you know that by now.’  
  
Kyuhyun nods slowly.  
  
‘And I’m not particularly special. I don’t have Siwon’s looks, Heechul’s wit, Hyukjae’s dancing or Donghee’s gags. I have neither the appearance nor the attitude of an idol...’  
  
‘Jongwoon hyung –’ Kyuhyun begins, almost sad and chiding, but Jongwoon cuts him off sharply.  
  
‘I know this well enough. There’s no point in trying to delude myself.’  
  
Kyuhyun bites his lips, his eyes shadowed. ‘But you have the talent, the voice,’ he murmurs. ‘You’re  _Yesung_.’  
  
A ghost of a smile flickers across Jongwoon’s countenance. ‘But then you came along.’  
  
For the first time, Kyuhyun drops his gaze.   
  
‘We had already debuted and I knew you must’ve really been something for the management to decide adding a thirteenth member, but still. I did not see it coming, how  _good_  you are at what you do.’  
  
‘But why did that make you hate me so much?’ Kyuhyun breathes, still not meeting his eyes.  
  
‘My voice is the only reason why I made it into this industry, Kyuhyun. It’s what sets me apart from the rest; being the main singer, being Yesung is the one thing I had that I could be proud of.’  
  
Comprehension dawns on the maknae’s face. ‘You thought I’d steal your position.’  
  
‘You overshadowed me,’ corrects Jongwoon quietly. ‘Your voice is so beautiful and your singing so brilliant that the first time I heard you, I felt like I lost everything. My voice seemed insignificant and I could no longer see my own worth as the lead vocalist. It all seemed to belong to you.’  
  
‘Hyung!’ Kyuhyun looks up at last and his eyes are burning and teary again. ‘How – how could you even  _think_  ...! How could you be so ...?!’  
  
‘Stupid? Insecure?’ Jongwoon smiles mirthlessly. ‘Perhaps because you were gifted in other areas, too, unlike me.’  
  
‘What? No. I can’t even dance without tripping over my own feet!’  
  
Jongwoon chuckles a little in agreement. ‘No, and that’s the only thing that made me glad. But still. You have a natural witty humour, Kyuhyun. You have a strong presence on stage. And I don’t think you realise, but you are quite ... er, attractive.’  
  
Kyuhyun’s eyes widen and he blushes. Jongwoon can feel the hotness of the maknae’s cheeks through his palm, which the other is still lightly holding to his cheek.  
  
‘You see. On top of your singing, you have qualities that attract people to you. It’s so much more than I can say for myself...’  
  
‘That’s not true. So many fans hated me initially –’  
  
‘They were very quick to change their minds, weren’t they? You gained so much popularity in such a short time.’  
  
Kyuhyun looks at him perceptively. ‘But you believed you were still at the bottom?’  
  
Jongwoon sighs. ‘I  _am_  at the bottom, Kyuhyun. It’s a fact everyone knows. There’s no point in sugar coating it. Just having a voice is not enough for an idol, but I don’t have the rest of the package.’  
  
‘... and ... I stole away what little you had of it...?’  
  
Jongwoon swallows. ‘Yeah ... that’s how I felt about you.’  
  
‘That explains it...’  
  
‘I didn’t want to be in your shadow, I didn’t want to be second best, I didn’t want to lose to you in the one field I thought I could succeed. I refused to accept you because of that ... I just wanted nothing to do with you – but that is no excuse,’ adds Jongwoon hoarsely. ‘I should never have acted the way I did, I was wrong to hurt you and I did so many things I regret and ... I can’t say I deserve your forgiveness, Kyuhyun, but I am sincere when I say I’m so sorry for everything. I – I don’t know how else to put it...’  
  
Kyuhyun falls silent, avoiding his eyes. Jongwoon wants to disappear, wreaked with guilt and shame. He eases his hand out from under Kyuhyun’s, palm grazing over the warm skin of the boy’s cheek, but before he can break contact fully, Kyuhyun reaches for it again, holding it possessively. He lowers their hands to rest between them on the sofa, Kyuhyun covering Jongwoon’s small hand with his own. Jongwoon does not know what to say.  
  
‘It’s kinda funny, you know.’ Kyuhyun looks up, an ironic smile tweaking his lips. ‘When I was a trainee,  _you_  were the one _I_  admired most.’  
  
Jongwoon’s jaw slackens in surprise.  
  
‘Of course you didn’t know me back then, hyung, but believe me when I say that among the trainees, you certainly were not “at the bottom”. I’d hear people praising your voice and the first time I snuck into the practice room to listen to you myself, the only thing I thought was that I’d kill to sound half as good as you do...’ Kyuhyun chuckles humourlessly. ‘I could’ve never imagined the sunbae I was admiring would one day feel, well, threatened by me...’  
  
Kyuhyun’s expression darkens. ‘Some might say that’s a compliment to my voice, but it’s really not. It’s nothing like what I wanted. I wanted that sunbae to like my singing, be proud of me – not hate me so much that he can’t even stand my presence.’  
  
He looks down at their hands, forehead crinkled. Jongwoon thinks he can see angry tears in his eyes again.   
  
The older man slowly licks his lips, not knowing how to react to this unexpected revelation. He thinks he is finally beginning to understand Kyuhyun a little now, but there are still so many things he does not know, answers he still wants.  
  
‘Why me?’ The question falls off his lips before he can stop himself. ‘Surely it can’t be just because you admired me...’  
  
‘I don’t understand what you mean.’  
  
‘Why did you choose me?’ He winces a little at his choice of words, but there is no going back. ‘There are so many others who adore you and actually treat you right. I was nothing like that, I kept hurting you, I didn’t want you. I would’ve understood if you started hating me back or gave up on me, but still you ... Why me?’  
  
Kyuhyun looks carefully at him. ‘It’s true my admiring you played a small role in it. I wanted you to notice me. I was so happy to be put in the same group as you and yet it was terrifying. I could never approach you in the beginning; I was too shy and nervous. Besides,’ Kyuhyun’s lips twitch a little, ‘there were a dozen hyungs to keep track of and get along with; that kept me pretty occupied for a while…’  
  
Jongwoon nods, listening intently.  
  
‘I wish I’d noticed during that time that you were deliberately keeping your distance from me,’ Kyuhyun continues, a little morose now. ‘I was watching you even then – when you weren’t looking – but it took me quite a long time to realize that that was all that ever happened between us. I was just watching you from a distance and you … were with everyone else. You never came to me.’  
  
‘What did you think the reason was?’ asks Jongwoon quietly.  
  
The ironic smile is back. ‘Funnily enough, I actually didn’t think much of it. I probably should have, in retrospect, but my only thought at that time was that somehow, I should try to talk to you.’  
  
‘I was the only hyung left by then,’ Jongwoon mutters lowly, but Kyuhyun hears him.  
  
‘Well, yes, I’d made friends with all the other hyungs, but the greatest reason is I really did just want to know you. But then…’ His voice trails off; there was no need to voice out the rest.  
  
Jongwoon digests this slowly. He does not know what to think about Kyuhyun’s confession to admiring him; it is something that has never occurred to him before, because it has always been him, Jongwoon, that had been obsessed about the beauty of  _Kyuhyun’s_  voice, afraid that that voice will be the obliteration of his own. The owner of said voice is watching him intently now and Jongwoon becomes even more aware of the warmth of his hand, which is still gently resting on top of his. He feels his cheeks heating up.  
  
‘That still doesn’t explain why you kept at it, though,’ he ventures at last, his voice hoarse. ‘Your opinion of me must have changed after … everything …’  
  
‘I suppose.’  
  
‘Then…? Why did you never give up? Why didn’t you hate me?’  
  
‘Is that what you wanted me to do?’ Kyuhyun shoots at him and Jongwoon’s breath catches. He does not want to admit that yes, he had wanted that once, long ago.   
  
‘I just don’t understand what could have made you keep on liking me through all that,’ he mumbles.  
  
Kyuhyun takes several seconds to answer. He keeps his gaze fixed on their hands, his fingertips grazing over Jongwoon’s knuckles.   
  
‘I think ... it was because I saw the real you before I ever approached you.’  
  
Jongwoon blinks, taken aback again for what seems the hundredth time this morning.  
  
‘I saw how you were with the others, how you take care of your dongsaengs and how you support the older members. I saw how you play with Donghae and Youngwoon and Hyukjae and Donghee hyungs, how affectionate and fun you are around them. And you try so hard to help Jungsu hyung when he’s troubled and I see you talk to Heechul hyung when he’s angry sometimes. You say interesting things and do odd amusing things and act almost like a child sometimes and you make all the members laugh and – sometimes they pretend not to like it – but they do like it, really ... they like it when you touch them and hug them and kiss them, they like your affection. They like knowing they have a hyung who adores them so much and supports them and plays with them and ...’ Kyuhyun pauses a second, biting his bottom lip, still avoiding Jongwoon’s eyes.  
  
‘Ryeowook said he sometimes goes to you for advice. Even Hyukjae hyung and Donghae hyung did. And Hyukjae hyung said it feels like being with his father at those times, or a really thoughtful and kind big brother. And you almost always go with Siwon hyung to mass on Sundays and you like talking with Kibummie. Many times when we all go for dinner after shows, halfway through I see you going to sit next to Kibum and I thought it was because he was too quiet and looked lonely.’ At last, Kyuhyun looks up to meet Jongwoon’s wide-eyed gaze. ‘I think the only member I don’t see you often talking to is Sungmin hyung ... but even then, there are some little things – sharing your water bottle at practice because his had run out. You even bought him coffee from a vending machine in a waiting room before a variety, just because you had extra change.’  
  
Jongwoon does not know what to say. That Kyuhyun has been observing him since the beginning; that he remembers the details of all these little things which Jongwoon barely remembers about himself...  
  
Kyuhyun is not finished, though. ‘I remember you sat with Hangeng hyung, once,’ he says abruptly, his eyes faraway. ‘He was upset after a performance, because of the mask, I think. He wouldn’t even listen to Heechul hyung. He left the building. Teukie hyung and the others were so stressed, but then I saw you follow him outside. When neither of you came back soon, Teukie hyung sent me out and I found you both in a little park nearby. Hangeng hyung was crying and you just sat there and held his hand the whole time...’  
  
His dark eyes gleam in the faint light of dawn as Kyuhyun gazes at Jongwoon, moving just a little closer. ‘That kind person who cares about everyone around him – isn’t that the real you, hyung?’   
  
Jongwoon cannot speak.  
  
‘You ask me why I didn’t hate you or didn’t give up. But I  _did_ , hyung,’ Kyuhyun whispers. ‘I hated you so much for being different around me. For never giving me a piece of your true self, like how you give everyone else. I hated you for hating me while you loved all the others; I didn’t know what I’d done wrong or what it was you couldn’t stand about me and I hated that nothing I ever did around you was good enough. But ...’ Kyuhyun takes a long breath, his eyes unwavering. ‘I couldn’t hate you always.’  
  
‘Why not?’ It comes out a whisper.  
  
‘Because I was right about the real you. You do care.’  
  
‘What –?’ Jongwoon starts, surprised at the little smile Kyuhyun is giving him.  
  
‘You cared about me, Jongwoon hyung, even though you were determined not to. On the first night we shared your room, I felt you putting those quilts on me before you went to bed. You cared enough to keep me warm.’  
  
Jongwoon’s eyes widen at the memory of Kyuhyun shivering under his thin sheets. Had he been awake then, when Jongwoon had gone to him? As he gets over the surprise, another memory of that night comes forth, vague and blurry. A warm presence beside him when he had been just on the edge of sleep, a whisper in his ear and the brush of moist skin against his cheek ... it had seemed like a dream to him...  
  
Kyuhyun continues and Jongwoon is jerked back to the present, ‘There were other little things, too. Every time I slept through my alarm in the morning, you always made sure to wake me up on time. If you hadn’t, I could’ve been yelled at or even lost my job at some point, but you never left me. And I know how, well, irritating waking up a heavy sleeper like me can be; some days, I made you almost late for schedules, too. Everyone else would’ve already had breakfast and there’d barely be enough food left, but you always left some for me, even though you’d eat first and not wait for me to finish getting ready. Random little acts of kindness like that...   
  
‘But ...’ Kyuhyun tightens his fingers around Jongwoon’s hands, looking intensely at him, ‘the only time you ever let yourself be your true self with me was that night.’ He does not have to elaborate which night he meant. ‘That was when I actually truly needed you for the first time and I didn’t even have to ask. You came to me and helped me like it was natural for you to take care of me. You showed me how caring and kind your heart is and I knew I was right about you, hyung. Despite how much you tried to cut me off and ignore me, I kept seeing the person under all that, the person everyone loved and I loved him as well.’  
  
There is a pregnant pause, deep and meaningful, in which Jongwoon is torn between awe at everything Kyuhyun has confessed and shame and guilt at himself for what he gave Kyuhyun in return. The younger is now absentmindedly stroking Jongwoon’s hands, waiting for his hyung’s reaction, and Jongwoon mutely turns his hand over so that they are touching palm to palm; Kyuhyun’s fingers freeze.  
  
‘I see,’ says Jongwoon at last. The words sound lame, but Kyuhyun waits, a sort of veiled hope in his eyes. ‘I ... I don’t know what I should say, I ...’ He bites his lips, at a loss. He has barely even processed everything he has heard this morning.   
  
‘Then,’ Kyuhyun murmurs, ‘let me ask this time, hyung.’ He pauses, as if unsure whether he should proceed, but then blurts, ‘Why didn’t you stay?’  
  
Before Jongwoon can even blink, he continues in a nervous rush, ‘That night, when I asked you to stay, why didn’t you? You asked earlier why I never gave up on you, but truth is, I did give up on you, hyung. That time when I woke up and saw that you actually slept outside, I ... I didn’t know what to think. Only the previous night you had been so kind to me, you let me sleep with you and I thought you were finally accepting me, but then ...’ Kyuhyun shakes his head agitatedly, ‘that morning I ... I thought I repulsed you so much to the point you couldn’t even stand being beside me for one night. After everything, that – that was the last straw, I couldn’t take it anymore. And,’ he swallows, ‘if that was the case, I thought it’d be best if I gave you what you wanted and stayed away. You might’ve had a kind heart, but it was obviously not meant for me. I gave up then...’  
  
Jongwoon slowly closes his gaping mouth. He weaves his fingers through Kyuhyun’s compliant ones, squeezing his palm earnestly.   
  
‘Kyuhyun ...’  
  
‘Why didn’t you stay?’   
  
‘... Because I couldn’t handle being with you that night.’  
  
Kyuhyun looks shocked. A shadow falls over his eyes and he drops his gaze bitterly, trying to pull his hand away. Jongwoon firmly pulls him back.  
  
‘But not in the way you’re thinking, Kyuhyun-ah. There was so much going on; I don’t know how to explain everything. Till then I’d been trying so hard to keep you away and, well, you know what I was like. But then that night happened and I no longer knew what was right and wrong. I was fighting with myself and my thoughts and everything I used to think was right, and I was fighting against everything you made me feel and I felt like I was suffocating; I had to leave–’  
  
‘What did I make you feel?’ The question is abrupt, sharp. And Jongwoon sees that familiar emotion, the one he can never name, in Kyuhyun’s dark eyes in that moment.  
  
Jongwoon stops dead. The expression on Kyuhyun’s face is insistent and apprehensive; desirous almost. He seems too close all of a sudden, his fingers tight around Jongwoon’s, and the latter can smell the hunger on his breath.  
  
‘I ... don’t know,’ Jongwoon stammers, his voice dropping. ‘It’s ... it’s like what I said earlier, Kyuhyun; what you represent most, what scares me most, is what I don’t know. And this is another thing I don’t know about you, Kyuhyun ... what you feel for me, what you make me feel for you ... what ... you  _want_  me to feel for you...’  
  
The forbidden subject is back, the one Jongwoon brought up earlier and which Kyuhyun had evaded then. They are so close their noses almost brush together, but Jongwoon holds himself from pulling back; he looks at Kyuhyun, demanding answers, waiting.  
  
There is hesitance on Kyuhyun’s face; his eyes are veiled with nervousness and the high colour in his cheeks is obvious even in the dim light. But there is that boldness of him again as he looks Jongwoon squarely in the eyes, and he does not look away as he lifts Jongwoon’s hand to place it on his cheek once more, ever-so-slightly brushing the corner of his lips.  
  
‘I want you to look at me, listen to me, speak to me. I’ve wanted that all this time.’  
  
‘I know.’  
  
‘I don’t want to just know from afar that you’re a caring person; I want you to show me that.’  
  
‘I know.’  
  
‘And I want you to hu –’ Kyuhyun stops suddenly and Jongwoon feels his cheek heating up under his palm. He takes a breath before embarrassedly continuing, ‘I ... want you to be with me like ... how you are with Donghae and Hyukjae and Siwon and all the other hyungs...’   
  
It takes a second for Jongwoon to get his meaning. He blushes a little, wondering to himself why Kyuhyun is specifically stating that he wants Jongwoon to hug and touch him, and why he could not just say so straightforwardly.  
  
‘I ... see. And...?’  
  
‘I don’t want to be left hanging anymore. Hyung, I ...’ Kyuhyun looks embarrassed again. ‘I meant it, you know. When I said ...  _saranghae_.’ He clears his throat a little. ‘I wish ... I want you to accept me and...’  
  
 _... love me back_ , Jongwoon finishes Kyuhyun’s sentence for him in his head.  
  
He eyes the boy beside him contemplatively, taking in the hint of shyness in his eyes and the warm skin under his palm. He is aware of the high colour on his own face; yet he cannot help but also admire Kyuhyun for his boldness and bluntness. Underneath all that is also a sense of gratification and wonder; he is both surprised and mildly flattered – in an embarrassed sort of way – by the many things revealed to him this morning.   
  
However, there is one more thing...  
  
‘I already know most of what you just told me,’ he begins slowly. ‘To care, to pay attention, to love – I know these basics ... but that brings back the question I asked you before.’  
  
Kyuhyun grows apprehensive, his eyes betraying his realisation of what Jongwoon is about to ask. ‘Which is...’  
  
‘To what extent?’ Jongwoon enunciates, repeating his words from earlier. Kyuhyun’s releases a shaky breath against the side of his palm, but he presses on bluntly, now desperate to clear up this one thing that has been subconsciously bothering him for months, ‘How far does it go? To what extent do you want me to care and give attention to you? How far do you want me to accept you and love you? How much does Kyuhyun, whose behaviour around me go far beyond a normal person’s, want from me?’  
  
There is pin-drop silence. And then –  
  
‘... How much is Jongwoon hyung willing to give me?’  
  
The sudden question takes Jongwoon aback. He gapes at Kyuhyun, wide-eyed.  
  
Kyuhyun slowly intertwines their fingers again, breathing, ‘How much are you giving me right now?’  
  
Jongwoon licks his dry lips, feeling a hundred different chaotic emotions in his heart at once. ‘I still don’t know ... and I think, as long as I don’t know about you, I won’t know myself...’  
  
Kyuhyun smiles then, a strange glint in his eyes. ‘I told you basically that I want you to treat me as lovingly as you do the others. But ... after all this time, after everything that happened, maybe ... I do want you to love me a bit more.’  
  
The frankness has Jongwoon staring. Kyuhyun continues to smile in that odd way, an almost playful look on his face. ‘Give me some special care sometimes, pay a little extra attention, play a bit more ... spoil me especially ... and,’ his voice deepens a little, ‘maybe, every once in a while, look at me and only me and love me. Like a good hyung spoiling the maknae as he should.’   
  
The last sentence is added as if just an afterthought. They gaze at each other without a word. Kyuhyun is still smiling in that impish way, but his dark eyes are serious and intense, and Jongwoon can feel the heavy wake his words have left. There is a far deeper implication behind his carefully chosen playful words; Jongwoon can feel it, hear the weighing meaningfulness behind them.   
  
Those words are all the answer he can get out of Kyuhyun for now. From the finality of his tone, he can tell that the boy is not ready to delve deeper into that forbidden subject; at least, not right now. However, looking at Kyuhyun, he thinks that he is beginning to understand the boy’s feelings with regards to Jongwoon and what they may mean. It makes his gut clench in a strange way, squeeze his lungs like he cannot breathe – and yet, this newfound vague realisation does not surprise him as deeply as he thinks it should. Perhaps it is something he has known or suspected for a long time, but left dormant and untouched.   
  
And perhaps it is because he had subconsciously accepted this newfound realisation since long ago – or even nurtured something similar in his heart – that he feels no need to pull away from it now, from Kyuhyun.  
  
Jongwoon at last knows what name to put to that emotion he often sees in Kyuhyun’s dark eyes when he looks at him.  
  
The way he is looking at him right now.  
  
‘Well?’ Kyuhyun asks finally.  
  
The older man lowers his eyes, aware of his blush. Knowing it will be best for now to avoid going deeper into the true feelings behind Kyuhyun’s answers, he mumbles, ‘Wanting more of everything ... selfish bastard.’ But then what he actually said sinks in and his blush deepens; talk about the pot calling the kettle black!  
  
Kyuhyun snickers, probably thinking the same thing as him. ‘At least we know one thing we have in common...’  
  
Jongwoon smiles a little and lets his thumb graze over the boy’s cheek. ‘I have nothing more to say right now other than I apologise again for the past, thank you for listening and giving me the chance in the present, and that I promise things will be different in the future.’  
  
Kyuhyun smiles back. ‘So, I take it that I’ll get what I want in the future?’  
  
‘...Yes. But not just because you want it.’  _Because I myself want to give it._  
  
The smile on Kyuhyun’s face broadens, as if he knows what Jongwoon is thinking. ‘Good,’ he whispers and rests their joined hands between them again.  
  
Jongwoon studies the relaxed, peaceful look on Kyuhyun’s face. The first rays of sun must have broken over the Seoul skyline; there is a soft, golden glow to Kyuhyun’s pale skin from the light peaking in through the windows and the happy upturn of his lips is beautiful, sending warmth through Jongwoon’s chest.   
  
‘Thank you,’ he says softly, ‘for giving me this chance, even after giving up on me...’  
  
Kyuhyun raises his eyebrows. ‘I did come back to you after giving up on you that first time, remember?’  
  
It takes a moment for Jongwoon to recollect how Kyuhyun had approached him again after their dual M4U hosting, so many weeks after Kyuhyun had avoided him like the plague.   
  
‘Oh. Yeah ... why though? What made you come back?’  
  
The smile is bashful, self-conscious again. ‘You said  _saranghae_  ... on your first show. After the phone call.’  
  
Jongwoon’s mouth slackens a bit and Kyuhyun laughs a little embarrassedly.   
  
‘That was the first time you ... ever. And it was so spontaneous, unplanned. Maybe you didn’t realise what you were saying at the time, I don’t know. But I thought ... maybe it was possibly a glimpse to the real you, the person behind all that coldness. I thought I had a chance after all.  
  
Jongwoon swallows, not knowing what to say (again), but then decides there is no need to. A ray of sunlight steals across the room, lighting up the far wall and highlighting the twinkle in Kyuhyun’s eyes. His hand is warmer than ever against Jongwoon’s.  
  
‘So...’ whispers Kyuhyun, smiling shyly.  
  
‘So,’ Jongwoon repeats, returning the look with a hopeful, uncertain one of his own. ‘Am I forgiven?’  
  
‘I will forgive you ... on one condition.’  
  
‘...What’s that?’  
  
Kyuhyun caresses Jongwoon’s hand once and then lets go, moving to wrap his arm around Jongwoon’s waist. He moves closer, pulling their bodies flush against each other and tangling their feet together. Jongwoon, whose breath had caught in his throat, exhales slowly as Kyuhyun almost buries himself in him. They have been like this only once before on an unforgettable night, but the proximity and the feeling are so familiar they might as well have been like this every night. Jongwoon relaxes into the embrace, smiling, and puts his free arm around Kyuhyun, holding him close.  
  
And then Kyuhyun is pressing his face against Jongwoon’s throat in another memorable gesture, and his warmth breath sends a shiver down Jongwoon’s spine as he whispers, soft lips grazing over the sensitive skin,  
  
‘Stay.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always meant to write an epilogue to tie up the loose ends of this story, but never really got the proper time. It's already been started though. One day soon, I hope to upload it.


	7. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An extremely overdue epilogue-of-sorts to tie up some of the loose ends of this fic. Whoever is reading this, I hope you'll enjoy this very final chapter of SUMR.

Jongwoon wakes up to a pair of dark eyes gazing adoringly at him. It takes a few moments to blink the sleep away and recognise the familiar face bare inches from his own, and register the warm body pressed firmly against his. Memories of the previous night and the ensuing conversation - long and intense - during the early hours of dawn come flooding to the front of his mind and his eyes fly open, fully awake now. 

Kyuhyun smiles shyly at him. 'Good morning, Jongwoon hyung,' he whispers, and he is so close that Jongwoon can almost feel his spoken words on his lips. 

Jongwoon blushes a little, slightly overwhelmed by both the boy's proximity and the remembrance of all the things they confessed to each other mere hours ago. 

'Morning, Kyuhyun,' he whispers back. It belatedly strikes him that saying Kyuhyun's name feels a little strange on his tongue. He has never really spoken Kyuhyun's name out loud all that much before ... until earlier this morning.

A little too aware of the fact that they still have their arms around each other, Jongwoon looks past Kyuhyun and sees that the small apartment is aglow with sunlight. The curtains are drawn back and he can hear the sounds of people moving about beyond the living room.

'I'm sorry to wake you, hyung,' Kyuhyun says softly, gently rubbing a hand down Jongwoon's back. 'But the others are waking up and -'

'And we have schedules today, right,' mutters Jongwoon with a low groan. After how emotionally draining last night was, he just wants to lie in and sleep the whole day away.

Kyuhyun chuckles. 'Yeah, that, too. But I meant more that the other members are leaving their rooms and ...' He clears his throat a little awkwardly. '... we're here and ...'

_Wrapped up in each others arms, completely entwined together._

'Ah.' The blood rushes to his face and Jongwoon removes his arm from around Kyuhyun. The younger boy hesitates a few seconds, but then almost reluctantly pries himself away from Jongwoon and sits up on the sofa. Jongwoon pulls himself up as well and they sit together for several seconds, not saying anything.

Kyuhyun is the first to break the silence. 'Sungmin hyung was in here a couple minutes ago, by the way,' he reports, lips twitching in amusement. 'He took one look at us and fled as if he caught us, well, sleeping with each other, to put it as nicely as possible.'

Despite the heat that rose to his cheeks in embarrassment, Jongwoon finds himself chuckling. 'Well, if you want to get technical about it, we _were_ sleeping together.'

Kyuhyun laughs, a high clear sound that brings a smile to Jongwoon's face, before screwing up his face in pain. He gently drops his head into his hands and rubs his fingers against his temples. 'Mm. Well, anyway, just giving you a head's up, in case the hyungs give us grief later today about us "sleeping together" ... and over the next several days.'

'Knowing these idiots? Of course, they will.' Jongwoon rolls his eyes, not quite wishing to contemplate the teasing remarks that may well be thrown their way by the members soon. He frowns at Kyuhyun and presses his hand against his forehead. 'How's the hangover?'

'Still pretty sucky. Couple of aspirin and I'll be fine, though.'

'You sure?' Jongwoon asks, still frowning. He moves his fingers over Kyuhyun's temple and through his hair in a soothing caress.

Kyuhyun closes his eyes and leans into the touch, smiling slightly. 'Yeah ... I'm OK. I'm more than OK.'

Jongwoon's hand stills and Kyuhyun opens his eyes, giving him a look that is both gentle and uncomfortably intense. After a heartbeat, the former retracts his hand and comments nonchalantly, 'Well, if you're sure. Come on, let's go. We don't want to get yelled at for being late.'

Kyuhyun follows him, yawning. 'Yeah, getting yelled at while my head feels like it is under a sledgehammer is about the most auspicious start to a day I can think of.'

The older man snorts as he makes his way to their bedroom, hoping there is enough time to take a shower. Sungmin seems to have retreated back to his room, but Jongwoon can hear the tell-tale sounds of life from behind the doors. Soon enough, everyone will be out. He is just about to open his door when Kyuhyun calls to him from down the hallway.

'Hey, hyung, I'm gonna go make some coffee and, er ...' Kyuhyun pauses for a split second, looking almost nervous. 'Would you like some, too?'

Jongwoon is about to answer with a carefree 'Yes' when the look Kyuhyun is wearing stops him dead in his tracks. The memories come to him swift and sudden, like unwanted brittle leaves tossed in his face by gales of wind. 

All the rushed mornings he came down late for breakfast, only to discover a steaming cup of coffee waiting for him on the table ... The fourth time he was greeted by the same sight and he had actually bothered to ask who it was from ...The frigid wave of distaste that washed over his tongue when Hyukjae had distractedly answered, "Oh? I think Kyuhyun's been making it for you these past couple days.' ... Every morning after that, when he had refused to touch the cup, repulsed by its very presence ...

And the day Kyuhyun finally realised ... The shadow that crossed his face when Jongwoon walked right past the cup, ignoring the beckoning wisps of steam rising from its dark astringent depths to dissipate into nothingness ... just like his regard for Kyuhyun ...

Something sticks in his throat and Jongwoon cannot speak, his fingers frozen on the doorknob and his eyes locked with Kyuhyun's nervous ones. In that moment, Jongwoon realises - not for the first time and certainly not the last - that he cannot see the bottom of this well of harm that he had dug. A single act, which had seemed so trivial, so inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, had still managed to leave an unhealed scar behind. A scar seemingly superficial, but resulting from a wound that had cut down to the bone and soul inside. 

The guilt assaults him anew, until it feels like every hurt and wrong he had caused Kyuhyun is coating him all over, soaking into his clothes and eating through his tainted skin like corrosive acid. 

Just how damaged was Kyuhyun? How many scars - small, miniscule, hardly discernible to the eye - had Jongwoon left on him, still unhealed and stinging?

'Hyung?' Kyuhyun sounds uncertain, signs of worry showing on his face.

Jongwoon pulls on a smile; the weight of guilt is so heavy on the corners of his lips that he can barely keep them up. 

'Yes. Coffee sounds great, Kyuhyun. I'd love some.'

In the blink of an eye, the anxiety and hesitance on Kyuhyun's face vanish, replaced by gratification and a sparkle in his dark eyes. 'It'll be done in a minute,' he says, sounding almost breathless with relief, and disappears into the kitchen.

Jongwoon leans his forehead against his door, his thoughts whirling. Self-reproach still has his heart in an iron grip, but the image of Kyuhyun's relief and happiness just now is making it easier to breathe.

There is no denying that Kyuhyun is a damaged soul, at least with regards to Jongwoon. Their earlier talk during the darkest hours of dawn had been merely the first step out of the door on their mutual journey to healing. There are still innumerable amends for Jongwoon to make, a littany of emotional scars in Kyuhyun yet to fade ... 

_But I've already taken the first step ... we've already started._

And that is half the journey, as the proverb goes. Feeling a little easier, Jongwoon finally turns the doorknob and enters his room. This will surely be a long journey, agonisingly slow and with more than a few bumps in the road, but if it meant his absolution and Kyuhyun's salubrity, then he is giving it his all. 

Perhaps one small step like saying 'Yes' is the push needed to get the snowball rolling.

~***~

It does not take long for the other members to notice the change in atmosphere between the two lead singers.

Of course, Sungmin has been aware of it since that fateful morning, having had stumbled across them "sleeping together" on the sofa, after all. The smug smirk with which he greets Jongwoon and Kyuhyun later that day is quite alarming. The former considers literally slapping it off Sungmin's face, but the reminder that his dongsaeng had been quite helpful with his Kyuhyun-dilemma - and that, surprisingly, he had not shared with everyone that they had "slept together" - keeps his instincts in check.

Jongwoon is further appeased the following day when he comes home after schedules to discover a bowl of fresh strawberries on his bed, with an anonymous card underneath bearing the message, 

"I'm glad everything worked out, hyung. Share these with Kyuhyun, yeah? Hyukjae stole the rest, that brat."

Well, what do you know ... Sungmin _can_ be a total sweetheart when he wants to. 

Jongwoon ends up giving only a third of the strawberries to Kyuhyun, though. When the maknae complains, he primly replies that it is not _his_ fault that Kyuhyun chose to stay out after work and came home too late to get his equal share. Kyuhyun mock-pouts as he takes his portion of the fruit and flops down on the floor beside Jongwoon's bed, but their eyes meet and they end up chortling for the better half of a minute for absolutely no reason. 

As his dongsaeng finally quiets down and nibbles on a strawberry, Jongwoon leans back against the headboard and gazes down at him. He reflects that, despite the lack of total intimacy between them yet, this is still good. This is fine, more than fine. It is already a far cry from what their interactions used to be like.

Kyuhyun catches his eyes and smiles albeit a little surprisedly. 'What?'

'Nothing. No, I was just thinking ...' Struck by a sudden thought, Jongwoon hesitates for a second, wondering if he ought to voice it. It is more or less the truth and he does want to see Kyuhyun's reaction to it, but it is also rather frank and perhaps too early on the road to be admitted yet.

But Kyuhyun is still looking at him and Jongwoon's tongue develops a mind of its own and reels off, 'I was just thinking that, for all that you are mature and proud of it, during these times when you do silly things like fight over the computer with Donghae or pout and complain about food, you finally look like a maknae. It's cute.'

The boy blushes a shade rivalling that of the strawberry protruding from his lips and he drops his gaze, suddenly not knowing where to look. The sight makes Jongwoon want to laugh and, for the very first time, to pinch Kyuhyun's cheeks like he does with Donghae and Hyukjae. The sudden impulse sobers him up and he keeps his hands firmly in his lap, now a little embarrassed himself by the thought of it.

Despite the loss of his composure, Kyuhyun still surprises him into silence with his next words. 

'I'm cute? And you realised it only now?' 

Jongwoon gapes, taken unawares by Kyuhyun's boldness (though he no longer should be). Kyuhyun's tone had been light, but there is a seriousness in his eyes that gives away the ulterior motive behind his airy retort ... and Jongwoon thinks he has a pretty good idea of what that may be.

'No ... it's been a while since I realised it,' Jongwoon admits bluntly.

From the change in Kyuhyun's countenance, Jongwoon knows his suspicion has been confirmed; that Kyuhyun had been trying to gauge an idea of how long ago Jongwoon's opinion of him had first changed.

Now they are both awkward and feeling hot around the collar, but Kyuhyun still does not look away. The look in his eyes intensifies, evolving into that penetrating stare Jongwoon has been on the receiving end of so many times. The older man tears his eyes away and focusses on his turtle tank; to this day, in spite of everything, he still feels slightly uncomfortable whenever Kyuhyun gets like this. He no longer feels like running away, but being subjected to that depth of passionate emotions in Kyuhyun's eyes during these moments is still unnerving.

The charged air between them dissipates only by a notch when Kyuhyun goes back to his fruit at last. Neither of them brings up the topic again, but when they leave their room for breakfast together the next morning, they are back to exchanging light-hearted smiles.

At this time, Ryeowook takes notice of the camaraderie between them. (Or, as Jongwoon reflects later, he may have already heard the truth from Sungmin, since they had evidently shared their knowledge of Jongwoon and Kyuhyun's problems with each other.)

Breakfast, as usual, is a noisy affair, with the members simultaneously giving each other grief and trying to eat in record time before their schedules. Ryeowook pays the cacophony no mind, instead staring intently across the table at Jongwoon accepting a mug of coffee from Kyuhyun. Jongwoon catches his eyes as he raises his mug to his lips, and crocks an eyebrow quizzically. 

Ryeowook holds his gaze for the longest moment before glancing meaningfully at an oblivious Kyuhyun. He then shoots a brilliant smile at Jongwoon, punctuated with an approving tilt of the head. Without a single word passing his lips, he returns to his breakfast, leaving Jongwoon slightly pink in the face as comprehension dawns on him.

Later, he will silently thank Ryeowook for choosing to keep his silence and never bringing up the issue of Kyuhyun with him ever again ... because he ends up receiving more than the desirable earful from others.

_Others_ , which, in this context, is synonymous with "damn hyungs".

Jungsu's reaction to their healing relationship is positively alarming. More than a touch embarrassing, too. 

It happens when they are in the middle of dance practice. The moment their instructor calls for a break at last, Jongwoon stumbles over to where he left his bag and slides down against the mirrored wall. He has barely fished out his water bottle when Kyuhyun collapses beside him, spread eagled on the floor. Too out of breath to laugh at the comical sight, Jongwoon just wipes his face with his towel and downs half his water until Kyuhyun nudges his thigh with a finger, breathlessly asking for his own water bottle.

A glance around reveals Kyuhyun's sports bag some ten feet away from Jongwoon's current position.

'I can't reach, it's too far away,' he complains. 'Get it yourself.'

'Ugh, I can't get up right now. I could barely keep up with the dance and now my legs are like jelly.'

'Sucks to be you,' drawls Jongwoon with a galling smile, fully aware that he is not one to talk.

'Hyu~ng,' Kyuhyun draws out the honorific, like on the rare occasions when he puts on aegyo for the other members. Right now, it sounds just like an exaggerated whine, but it is not lost on Jongwoon that this is the first time Kyuhyun has ever adressed him like this. 'Hyung, _please_. I can't move and I'm going to die like this in this sorry position. Please, please, please, _hyung_.'

Jongwoon's intention is to throw out a sarcastic 'Whine a bit more and I'll leave you here to die,' and laugh evilly at Kyuhyun's fate. What he actually ends up doing is lean over the boy and align the neck of the water bottle over his lips. Kyuhyun realises what he is doing at the last moment and opens his mouth just in time to prevent the stream of water spilling over his chin and cheeks. 

Jongwoon remains bent over him as he measures out water into the parched mouth, silently observing the high colour slowly creeping up Kyuhyun's cheeks. After he has swallowed three mouthfuls, Jongwoon asks quietly, 'Enough?'

'A bit more...' Kyuhyun does not meet his eyes.

Still hovering over him, Jongwoon feeds him a couple more mouthfuls of water when he suddenly becomes aware of a third presence directly across from them. The sight that meets his eyes when he looks up is something he really can do without.

To say that Jungsu looks happy and proud - oh, "understatement" does not even come close. Still leaning over Kyuhyun's prone form, Jongwoon freezes in place as the full brunt of Jungsu's fervour hits him like a tangible typhoon of whirling emotions. He can practically hear the wheel of thoughts currently running in their leader's mind and he prays to God that the man keeps quiet abou -

'I'm so, so proud of you, Jongwoon.'

Not fair. This is _not fair_. Jongwoon has not even completed his prayer yet and he is already being shot down? 

'I always knew you could solve the problem between you two if you tried hard enough.'

Shot down and buried six feet under in humilation.

Kyuhyun is gaping back and forth between his two hyungs, at a complete loss. 'What's going on? Are those ... _tears_ in Teukie hyung's eyes?' he asks in a bewildered whisper. 

They are not, but his eyes are so bright and alight with twinkles that Kyuhyun can be forgiven for his mistake. Nor is Jungsu's look any less mortifying than had he been crying. His face is like that of a parent's whose children had saved the world from the Apocalypse and discovered the cure to cancer along the way.

The mortification factor rises to the next level when their dance instructor barks at them to resume positions and Jungsu remains where he is, looking adoringly at his two victims. Upon noticing them, the instructor frowns and takes up the call again, but Jungsu is still selectively deaf for the timebeing and the rest of the members turn around to see the cause of the holdup.

It takes a few seconds for the scene to compute.

'What's going on, hyungs?' says Hyukjae slowly, looking between Jungsu and Jongwoon. 

'Jungsu hyung, you feeling alright?' asks Youngwoon. 

'Is _Kyuhyun_ alright?' Hangeng stares at the two singers with concern. 'Did he collapse?'

'You giving him mouth-to-mouth over there, Jongwoonie?' adds Heechul with a smirk, jumping on the entirely unnecessary chance to tailgate Hangeng's comment.

Heechul's remark thaws out Jongwoon's frozen muscles faster than an ice cube in the Sahara and he scrambles back from Kyuhyun so fast he spills his water bottle ... right over the boy's lap. Kyuhyun sits up with a yelp as the chilled liquid soaks through to his sensitive skin, while the rest of the members dissolve into juvenile giggles. Even their dance instructor folds his arms and leans against the front wall, currently too entertained to call them off.

Face burning, Jongwoon tries to apologise, but his voice is drowned out by Heechul, who, naturally, has more to add,

'Well, if Jongwoon's kiss of life didn't do the trick, that cold shower is sure to bring anyone to his senses.'

The laughter evolves into full out guffawing and Jongwoon shoots his offensive hyung a withering look. Ignoring everyone, Kyuhyun gingerly tries to dry off the suggestive wet spot on his sweatpants and Jongwoon decides to help out and be a good Samaritan again. 

Only, in retrospect, pressing his face towel against the front of Kyuhyun's pants is probably not the smartest move he has ever pulled off.

'Yah! Trying to _arouse_ the poor boy is totally counterproductive to the cold shower you just gave him, you know!' screeches Heechul, his glee overflowing at all the aggro fodder he has received in the course of one morning. 

More than half the members are on their hands and knees from mirth at this point, while the other half are hardly better off. 

'No, please,' wheezes Siwon, clutching his middle and leaning on a cackling Donghae. 'Jongwoon hyung, please don't do anything else, my stomach hurts.'

Jongwoon huffs, still blushing. 'I didn't do anything.'

'Except Kyuhyun,' chirps Sungmin out of the blue, smirking. Hyukjae and Siwon let out identical wails of laughter as if they were dying, and Heechul claps Sungmin on the shoulder with exaggerated pride. 

Jongwoon chooses the best course of action in such circumstances and gives up. He can barely meet the eyes of Kyuhyun, whose face is as red as his.

At long last, Jungsu decides to curb his giggles and assume leadership responsibilities again. 

'Alright, guys, let's break it up. Stop teasing them already, they're embarrassed...'

'It all started because of you, you know,' points out Heechul, arching an amused eyebrow.

Jungsu snorts. ' _I_ wasn't teasing them, _you_ started that. I just said I was really proud of them, is all.'

Jongwoon cringes visibly at the latter words. Oh, has his prayer still not been answered, then?

Comprehension begins to dawn on the faces of the handful of members who had been present the night Kyuhyun had come home drunk (and delivered the mother of punches to Jongwoon's face). The others, on the other hand, are looking confused and intrigued by Jungsu's vague claim. However, none of them looks about to actually ask further about it, until -

'Oh? So I guess Jongwoon and Kyuhyun have finally kissed and made up, huh?' drawls Heechul with a piercing stare at the duo, because, at his worst (which is also usually his default), Heechul has all the subtlety and tact of a raging rhinoceros with a hernia. 

It does not help the least bit when Sungmin crocks an eyebrow and adds, 'Of course, they have. Didn't you see them sleeping together on the sofa?'

As the rest of the bewildered members erupt with exclamations and questions around them, Jongwoon steals a glance at Kyuhyun's reddened face and resigns himself to their fate with a sigh.

~***~

Concerning that particularly humiliating practice session: 

The Good: Members, who were not in the know about Jongwoon and Kyuhyun's earlier animosity, seem quite content to simply accept that the two of them had had a fight before, but everything is solved now. 

The Bad: Despite not knowing the details of their situation, the members seem to develop a sudden interest in keeping a closer eye on them both.

The Ugly: A whole new arsenal for teasing the two singers has been opened to the members, and they barely go a day without giving grief to Jongwoon and/or Kyuhyun whenever they interact.

Of course, it is all in good fun, but the fact of the matter remains that the majority of the members are not aware of the seriousness of the bad blood that had existed between Jongwoon and Kyuhyun. It is hard for either of them to laugh off their friends' jipes, the impact of the mortification still too strong for both.

Eventually, though, it passes. It soon becomes easier to ignore the embarrassment and even retort at their teasing comments. 

The night Heechul spots them squeezed into the sofa along with Hyukjae, Sungmin and Ryeowook, watching reruns of a drama together, he drawls as he saunters past,

'I just really need to know: did the two of you disinfect the sofa after your special night together?'

He does not have to specify which two. Sungmin and Hyukjae snort in unison, while Ryeowook conscientiously pretends not to have heard anything. Jongwoon, however, deadpans with remarkable speed,

'If anything in this building needs disinfecting, it's your bed, Heebongie.'

Kyuhyun is equally articulate. 'How do you not give yourself STD's?'

Thankfully, Heechul is too busy laughing to actually get angry at them, and Jongwoon relaxes into the sofa, biting back a grin. Beside him, Kyuhyun is smiling slightly as well and he unassumingly leans against Jongwoon. Squeezed close together as they are, the movement is hardly discernible, but Jongwoon feels him pressing against his side; a warm, intimate touch.

And that night, he thinks that perhaps all the teasing is not such a bad thing, after all. If Kyuhyun and he can overcome the embarrassment within them, and learn to make light of their past and laugh together, and slowly become comfortable with each other's presence, each other's touch ... well, perhaps that is also a bridge to cross on the path of healing.

~***~

'Unbelievable...'

Jongwoon glances up from his lyric sheet when Kyuhyun walks into their room one night, wearing an expression that the former is recently learning to read as _should-I-be-pissed-off-or-amused-I-can't-decide-somebody-help_.

'Do I want to know?' asks Jongwoon, raising his eyebrows and toning down the amusement in his voice, in case Kyuhyun is deciding to go with _pissed off_ after all. He has been finding out lately that an irritated Kyuhyun usually makes for a funny spectacle, the way he mouths off people with almost child-like indignance complete with throwing up his hands and an unwitting pout on his face. It is another aspect of Kyuhyun that actually gives him a maknae-like aura and makes him just incredibly endearing. But Jongwoon has also discovered that Kyuhyun does not appreciate having his "serious" rants, about the grievances caused by his doting idiotic hyungs, dismissed as "adorable". 

Like the time he wore a thunderous scowl for nearly fifteen minutes after Jongwoon and Hangeng had roared with laughter at Kyuhyun's extremely grievous tale of how he got caught in the dangerous crossfire between Siwon, Donghae and Heechul who had taken a prank of spray-ketchup-on-thy-enemies to another level. 

'It's not funny,' he had insisted as Hangeng rolled around on the sofa in his hysterics. 'I'd _just_ come out of the shower and I was wearing a _new_ shirt, and then they came round the corner and before I knew it, I was covered head-to-toe in ketchup, mustard, kimchi _and_ chocolate sauce!'

Hangeng fell off the sofa, causing Jongwoon's cackling to increase a few decibels in volume.

'Why are you laughing, this is serious! Even two more showers later, the smell still wouldn't leave me!'

They had simply laughed harder. 

'And when I complained to Heechul hyung later, he actually _smelled and licked my neck_ and told me to watch my back, in case he came creeping into my room at night _to have a real taste of me_. I don't know how he made it sound so dirty...'

'Oh dear God,' Jongwoon heaved, clutching his stomach.

'You ... are ... so ... adorable,' added Hangeng, wheezing but still managing a wide grin at the maknae. 'Who wouldn't ... want a taste ... of that?'

Kyuhyun's responding scowl had brought a fresh wave of hysterics over the two of them. 'Why did I think I'd ever receive sympathy from anyone?' he grumbled.

'We sympathise, Kyuhyun,' said Jongwoon grinning. 'But you ranting like this is just -'

'- too damn adorable; c'mere, I want a taste of that,' finished Hangeng with a sleazy smirk.

'Congratulations, hyung, your Korean is A plus now,' Kyuhyun had said irritably before stomping away, leaving them to their giggles.

Jongwoon now schools his expression to carefully concerned while Kyuhyun flops onto his blankets beside Jongwoon's bed. With a long suffering sigh, the maknae looks up.

'So, I was visiting the hyungs upstairs on the twelfth floor,' he begins and Jongwoon eagerly settles in for what promises to be a hilarious tale, 'and we were hanging out and eating Hangeng hyung's Beijing Fried Rice -'

'You guys were eating without inviting me?!'

Kyuhyun snorts. 'You would've barely gotten anything to eat anyway, hyung, Heechul ate almost all of it. Anyway, we were hanging and suddenly the fuse blew, but everyone was too lazy to actually go fix it. So we were just sitting in darkness and Kangin hyung was suddenly like, "Let's tell two-sentence scary stories".'

'Oh?' Jongwoon raises his eyebrows, anticipating. 

'Yeah, and he volunteers to go first. Guess what story he told?'

'Er ... "I open the fridge. There is no food"?' suggests Jongwoon with a smirk.

Kyuhyun stares at him for a moment and then bursts out laughing. 'Oh, I wish,' he snickers. 'That would've been a hundred times better, but no. He starts off with, "Two people are casually sleeping with each other" and then _Heechul_ butts in -'

'Oh, no...'

'"And their names are Kim Jongwoon and Cho Kyuhyun,"' finishes Kyuhyun in a growl.

'I knew it,' says Jongwoon grouchily, rolling his eyes. 'It's been weeks, are they still harping on about us? What was Youngwoon's original story supposed to end with?'

'Apparently, it's "One of them falls in love with the other"', replies Kyuhyun in an unimpressed voice.

'I'm getting a vibe here that by "scary" stories, Youngwoon implied a whole other thing...'

'Yeah, I was disappointed. But then he said he liked Heechul's version more. And _then_ it got even better -'

'Oh, no,' groans Jongwoon again. 

'Donghae hyung jumped in with "Jongwoon hyung and Kyuhyun sitting in a tree. You _wish_ they were _only_ just kissing." Ugh, Donghae's innocent act is simply a very clever deception, hyung, I'm telling you.' 

'Are you sure you misheard Youngwoon and it was actually "sexy" stories and not "scary"?' Jongwoon comments lightly, forcing himself to ignore the rising heat around his collar. Kyuhyun rolls his eyes at him. 

'Want to hear the next one?' 

'Would I be able to sleep tonight afterwards?'

'You tell me. It was Hangeng hyung's story.'

'Oh, hell no!'

'Oh, hell yes,' says Kyuhyun grimly. 'You wouldn't believe what he said.'

'Considering the people we're talking about, I probably can. I don't want to hear this one.'

'Yes, you will, because I had to hear it and I refuse to suffer alone. He said "Yesung and Kyuhyun release a porno. It's titled _Maknae my way to Ye Sex_ ".'

Silence falls for a total of three seconds, with Kyuhyun's face steadily colouring redder as he forces himself to keep gazing into Jongwoon's eyes, accomplished with pure obstinacy. Jongwoon can only gawk back, mouth hanging open.

'What. The. _Hell_. What the actual ... That is the most unbelievable, horrible, ridiculous, _dirtiest_ pun I've ever heard in my entire life!' exclaims Jongwoon, his cheeks so hot it almost hurt. 'I'm not sure it even qualifies as a pun, it's so bad!'

'Dirtiest doesn't even come close, hyung; you didn't hear the _way_ Hangeng hyung actually said it -'

'Nor do I need to! Don't you even dare think of -'

'I wouldn't,' mumbles Kyuhyun, the humiliation he has been suppressing suddenly bursting out forth. He ducks his head, his face flaming. 'It was ... fairly traumatising. That was the point when I actually left.'

'I would've left from Kangin's first story itself...'

'I wish I had. Kangin hyung also followed me to the door as I was leaving -'

'No, no more stories,' groans Jongwoon. 

'- and yelled loud enough for the entire corridor to hear, "Keep your doors locked tight, none of us wants to walk in on a horror film",' finishes Kyuhyun.

Jongwoon fingers the edge of his lyric sheet. 'If you ever conspire to murder them, be sure to let me in on it.'

Kyuhyun laughs, his face still flushed. 'Oh, definitely. I like the idea of torture more, though.'

'Oh, yes! How do you want it?,' asks Jongwoon, following along with playful enthusiasm. 'The Hannibal method? Or find out their worst fears and make them happen?'

'According to tonight's _scary_ stories, their worst fears are seeing us having sex -' Kyuhyun stops with all the alarm of having spoken aloud without thinking it through.

The awkward silence that follows is hard to avoid. Jongwoon is more than prepared to forcefully laugh it off, but Kyuhyun is ducking his head again, practically oozing mortification. Several seconds of Kyuhyun avoiding his gaze later, Jongwoon decides that the best thing right now is to not analyse the situation too deeply.

'We should leave that as a last resort,' he speaks up would-be lightly, trying to prompt Kyuhyun out of his awkwardness. 'I'd rather not have sex with anybody just to give nightmares to the bunch of idiots we call brothers. That's such an insult ... to sex.'

At his rather poor attempt at a joke, Kyuhyun gives a wane chuckle. 'Eh, yeah ... sex should be a bit more sacred than that.'

Jongwoon gives a small chuckle. 'Sacred? That's the first time I've heard sex being described as holy.'

Kyuhyun is finally able to meet his eyes, the shyness abated. He gives him a grin. 'Do you know there are some cultures and secret cults that regard it as a highly sacred act? They actually carry it out as a ritual.'

'Well, I suppose that's one way of being pious, then,' replies Jongwoon amusedly and Kyuhyun laughs. 'I'll just stick to my own principle, thanks.'

The younger man turns to face him fully, his eyes dark and curious. 'What's that?'

'Nothing special. Just that ... I'll only sleep with someone I'm wholly committed to.' Jongwoon shrugs. 'I'm not really the sleeping around type; no disrespect to them, though...'

'Oh...' Kyuhyun appears to be chewing it over, a thoughtful look on his face.

Jongwoon arches an eyebrow quizzically. 'Why'd you ask anyway? What's your principle? If you have one...'

Kyuhyun hesitates, biting his lip. 'I guess ... it's the same as yours,' he finally ventures, meeting Jongwoon's gaze with a grave seriousness that hangs heavily on his words. 'I'll only sleep with someone I'm completely in love with.'

'Has that ever happened for you yet?' Jongwoon finds himself asking. His pulse quickens, a strange feeling settling in his gut as he anticipates Kyuhyun's answer.

There is unnerving silence for a few seconds. Hesitation and uncertainly are written all over Kyuhyun. Finally, 'What about you, hyung? It ever happened for you?' He looks almost nervous as he waits for Jongwoon's reply.

With a lurch in the pit of his stomach, Jongwoon thinks back to earlier times ... the times with _her_ and the blissful months he had spent, so utterly convinced of his happiness in his naive teenage years ... the times before he had found out he was merely a side dish, before his heart was so cruelly betrayed ...

And then he focusses on Kyuhyun, who is apprehensive and intense as he stares at Jongwoon, still waiting.

'Ask me again later,' says Jongwoon at last. He uncurls his fingers, only now realising that he has been crushing his lyric sheet in his fist.

Kyuhyun's face falls slightly. 'When?'

'The day you give me your answer to that question as well.'

Kyuhyun gazes at him again, in that piercing way of his and, this time, Jongwoon looks back unflinchingly.

'Alright,' the maknae says at last. And then, so quietly that it may have been a breath of wind, 'I think you already know, though...'

Jongwoon hears, though, his sensitive ears picking up the words clearly. He carefully averts his eyes back to the lyric sheet and pretends he has not. Kyuhyun looks relieved.

~***~

Two nights later, Jongwoon finally gets the courage to speak up about a certain topic he has wanted to but not been able to bring up ever since their night of closure on the living room sofa.

He is sitting crosslegged on his bed, dressed in his pyjamas and waiting, when Kyuhyun comes back to the room after his pre-sleep ablutions. The maknae closes the door and switches off the light with a sleepy yawn, mumbles a weary 'Good night, hyung' and prepares to literally fall on top of his blankets. 

Jongwoon takes a deep breath. 'It's chilly these nights.'

Kyuhyun blinks sleepily at him, kneeling on his blankets. 'Yeah ... you want an extra quilt, hyung? There are -' he yawns - 'some in the closet.'

'No, I mean ...' Jongwoon fidgets a little, wringing his hands together. 'You might catch a cold. It's not a good idea to sleep on the floor, you know? '

'Hmm?' 

'... Sleep up here, on the bed.'

All traces of sleep vanish from Kyuhyun's face. He kneels upright, gaping at Jongwoon.

'I ... uh ...' Jongwoon clears his throat self-consciously. 'I've been meaning to talk to you about it. We could, you know, rotate the bed and blankets between us. I could sleep down there and you up here on one night, and then switch the next night and ... you know, alternate?'

Kyuhyun is still looking at him, wide-eyed and trying to process what he has just heard.

Jongwoon's sheepishness increase. 'It's ... not a big deal. Sleep up here tonight. I'll take the blankets.'

'No,' says the younger man at last. 'No ... I don't want to take the bed from you, hyung.'

'It's really nothing -'

'No, I don't want that, hyung,' repeats Kyuhyun stubbornly.

'Well, I don't exactly want you sleeping down there for the rest of the foreseeable future, either,' retorts Jongwoon.

They glare pigheadedly at each other, neither backing down. And then the obvious solution comes to Jongwoon and he flushes down to his neck. 

He hangs back for a second, inexplicably shy about what he is considering to offer. But upon seeing Kyuhyun preparing to lie down on the blankets again, he acts. Scooting to one side of the bed, he lifts up the corner of his comforter in invitation and waits.

For the second time that night, Kyuhyun gapes at him, speechless.

As the silence lengthens, Jongwoon gestures to the empty space beside him with a tilt of his head and says, without looking at Kyuhyun, 'Well, are you coming up or not? My arm's getting tired.'

'You ... you really mean it?' The veiled hope in Kyuhyun's voice is so prominent it is almost tangible.

Jongwoon is on the verge of giving a sarcastic reply when he is reminded, again, that Kyuhyun has more than enough reason to be so incredulous, so cautious of what Jongwoon is offering him. He swallows the sudden lump in his throat and answers, quiet and sincere,

'Yes. Sleep up here with me. There's enough room.'

Kyuhyun's movements are jerky and almost clumsy as he slowly gets into bed beside Jongwoon, pulling the comforter uncertainly over him. They lie together side by side with their shoulders touching, facing the ceiling and breathing slow and shallow. In these quiet moments, Jongwoon knows with the certainty of the sun rising in the east that Kyuhyun is currently nursing the same memories that he is.

After a long time, the maknae intones quietly, 'Thanks, hyung...'

'You have nothing to thank me for,' murmurs Jongwoon back. _This is something I should've offered from the very beginning. Why are you thanking me, I should be apologising instead..._

They lapse into silence for a while again, before Kyuhyun suddenly says, a hint of a grin in his voice, 'Hey, hyung ... shouldn't we lock our room?'

It takes a moment for Jongwoon's brain to compute. He snorts. 'If the members can't stomach the sight of us "sleeping together", then that's their nightmare and not my problem.'

Kyuhyun chuckles appreciatively and turns on his side so that he is facing Jongwoon. 'They'd get nightmares ... and more ammo to tease us to Hell and back.'

Jongwoon smiles at him, feeling sleep tug at his eyelids. 'Embarrassing as their teasing is, I think I'm quite immune to it by now.'

He closes his eyes, waiting for the sweet oblivion of sleep. He feels Kyuhyun edge closer and lie against his right arm. 

'You know, hyung, I'm so flattered ...' Kyuhyun's voice is carrying that hint of mischief again.

'Why?' 

'You're so committed to me that you're sleeping with me?' His soft laughter ripples through the quiet night air.

'And you're so in love with me that you're sleeping with me,' Jongwoon deadpans without bothering to open his eyes.

That shut up Kyuhyun good. Lips twitching in victory, Jongwoon turns on his side and blindly reaches out and pats the maknae's cheek. 'Go to sleep now, Kyu ... Night.'

Kyuhyun does not speak again, but he reaches for Jongwoon's hand on his cheek and entwines their fingers together. Jongwoon falls asleep with the warmth of Kyuhyun's skin on his palm, and the smell of his hair in his nose.

~***~

He wakes up at dawn with an armful of Kyuhyun. Blinking the sleep from his eyes, he looks down and finds Kyuhyun's head resting on his shoulder and his arm wrapped around Jongwoon's waist. He looks calm and peaceful in the early morning light and Jongwoon finds himself smiling at the serene sight.

Burying his nose in Kyuhyun's fragrant hair, he pulls the boy closer against him and closes his eyes again.

Later that morning, Jungsu walks in on the sight of them sleeping soundly together. He spends the rest of the day bestowing unnervingly large smiles on Jongwoon and Kyuhyun, much to their confusion and alarm. They choose not to ask, however, and Jungsu tells no one the reason behind his creepy grin.

~***~

Jongwoon eventually takes the largest step on his journey to redemption and, strangely enough, it hardly involves Kyuhyun. 

In fact, the people in the thick of it are almost strangers to him. 

The arrival of Zhoumi and Henry. 

Jongwoon has certainly seen them around the SM building and he knows that members like Hangeng and Heechul have been close to Zhoumi in the past and whatnot. However, he has never really interacted with them personally. 

Until the day the news is broken to all of them that Zhoumi and Henry will be joining the Super Junior family, as part of a subunit to market to the Chinese crowd. 

Everyone is gathered at one of the meeting rooms at the SM building, and Zhoumi and Henry have been pushed to the awkward spot of attention at the very front of the room, suddenly put on display to the dozen pairs of eyes fixed on them. They smile awkwardly and make their introductions, before discreetly trying to fade into the background while the SM senior official in charge of the meeting explains the plan currently in the works.

A new subunit. Super Junior - M. Certain members selected for it. Zhoumi and Henry will be part of it. 

Most of it goes over Jongwoon's head, mainly because he is fixated on the two newcomers. The look in their eyes, that of nervousness and anxiety, awkwardness and shyness, and hesitance and fear ... fear of being rejected.

It is the exact same look Kyuhyun had worn all those months ago, the first time he met his Super Junior group members at the dorms.

Jongwoon's breath is knocked out of his lungs.

And he realises then that this is history on the verge of being repeated, and it all depends on his choice. Welcoming new members to the family, befriending and loving them, protecting and shielding them from the onslaught of the antis ... or locking them out. Throwing them away. Hating them. Abandoning them.

The choice is in front of him again. 

~***~

After the gruelling meeting is over and Zhoumi and Henry come to the dorms, leaving the enlarged Super Junior family alone with each other at last, Jongwoon is one of the first to approach them. 

Predictably, Hangeng and Heechul take the lead on personally introducing the Chinese men to the others, the four of them being already close, but Jongwoon spies the look of relief in Henry's eyes and relaxing of Zhoumi's facial muscles when the other SJ members go forward to welcome them. 

Zhoumi, to Jongwoon's surprise, actually hugs him during their first introduction with all the enthusiasm of a child meeting a beloved older sibling after a long separation. 

Heechul snickers and says loudly for everyone's general information, 'Wait until Zhoumi's actually comfortable around you; his hands will be all over you.'

'Hyung, please. I'm not that bad,' replies Zhoumi before shooting Jongwoon such a brilliant smile that it nearly blinds him.

'You're not,' Jongwoon assures him with a lopsided grin. 'It goes against the laws of nature for anyone to be worse than Heebongie. It's not possible.' 

Zhoumi bursts out laughing and Jongwoon quickly sidesteps Heechul's threatening hands.

Henry, the youngest of them all, cannot quite hide his relief at their shows of acception. However, hailing from Canada with all its western upbringing, he appears more than content with simply a handshake. 

Most of the other members, however, are very much Korean and not afraid to show it. 

Jongwoon stifles a chortle at the look on Henry's face when Siwon envelopes him in a rib crushing embrace, promptly followed by a friendly slap to his butt. Henry sputters in shock, his cheeks colouring three shades of red in less than five seconds.

Inspired, Jongwoon also opts to give the boy a hug, though a more casual one than Siwon's. He also refrains from putting his hand anywhere near Henry's rear, something that the boy looks intensly relieved about when Jongwoon draws away. 

'Welcome to Super Junior, Henry.' Jongwoon offers his hand and Henry takes it with a quick grin.

'Thanks, hyung,' 

Jongwoon steps away from Zhoumi and Henry, allowing the others to approach the new members. As he turns away, he catches sight of Kyuhyun standing beside Donghee. His eyes are locked on Jongwoon. 

When their gazes meet, Kyuhyun gives him a slow enigmatic smile, his eyes glowing with something Jongwoon cannot name.

~***~

Kyuhyun brings it up just once.

'They like you a lot.'

Taken aback, Jongwoon tears his attention away from his channel-flipping. Lowering the remote, he looks around at Kyuhyun sitting beside him on the living room sofa. 

'Zhoumi hyung and Henry ... they like you very much.'

'They do?' asks Jongwoon slowly.

'Of course, they do.' Kyuhyun looks seriously at him. 'You're very nice to them...'

Where Kyuhyun is coming from becomes abruptly clear then and Jongwoon peers carefully at him, trying to weigh the situation. The younger man's expression is clear and light with not a hint of darkness or negativeness to him, but his real emotions are carefully veiled. 

There is no point in beating about the bush. Jongwoon hits the nail head on.

'Because this is my second chance and I chose to do the right thing this time ... What I actually should've done with you the first time round.'

Kyuhyun's eyes widen, his breath hitching.

Jongwoon bites his lip. 'With you, I screwed up. I made all the wrong choices. But I don't want to repeat the same mistakes with Zhoumi and Henry ... I want to do what I always should have.'

At long last, Kyuhyun smiles at him, a genuine twist of happiness to his lips. 'Yeah, you are, hyung ... And I'm glad ...' 

'And ... I want to do right by you, too,' adds Jongwoon in almost a whisper, casting his gaze down to his lap.

Kyuhyun moves closer to Jongwoon so that their shoulders are a hair's breath from touching. He reaches for Jongwoon's hand, still clutching the remote, and squeezes gently. 'You are, hyung ...'

'Am I doing enough?' He has never really meant to ask, but the words escape his lips before he can stop them. 

There is a long pause as Kyuhyun considers, his fingers stroking over Jongwoon's knuckles. 'I think we're getting there,' he murmurs finally. 'We will get there, eventually. There's no hurry.'

'Yeah?'

'Yeah.' Kyuhyun shoots him a smile almost as brilliant as Zhoumi's. 

'Alright, then ...' Jongwoon smiles back and Kyuhyun takes the remote from him and begins to flip through the channels again. 

Jongwoon watches him for several seconds. _Do right by you..._

In that moment, Jongwoon makes the decision to take the step he has been holding out on for a very long time. It is a very small step, and one that Kyuhyun had admitted albeit indirectly to actually desiring, but Jongwoon has been too overcome with embarrassment stemming from their cold past together to actually do it. But now, he thinks it is about time he kept his word.

_'I ... want you to be with me like ... how you are with all the other hyungs...'_

Removing his hand from under Kyuhyun's, Jongwoon wraps his arm around the younger man's shoulders and pulls him flush against him. Kyuhyun freezes in his arms and Jongwoon takes advantage of the moment; leaning forward, he presses his lips to Kyuhyun's cheek.

Time stops around them. 

He holds the gentle kiss a second longer than necessary before drawing away. Leaning back against the sofa, he revels in the beautiful flush creeping up Kyuhyun's neck and dusting his cheeks an alluring pink. Kyuhyun swallows, his eyelids fluttering.

'W-what was that?'

Jongwoon grins. 'Distracting you so I can get my remote back, of course!' He snatches the remote from Kyuhyun's limp fingers. 'Who said you're in charge of the channels?'

It takes a second, but Kyuhyun rises to the bait and soon they are playfully fighting over the remote and TV. It ends with one of them - Jongwoon is not sure which - shoving the remote control under the sofa so that they are forced to watch the channel currently on, which happens to be some music programme. 

As group after group comes on to perform their songs, Kyuhyun deliberately leans into him, making himself comfortable against his side. Jongwoon smiles and puts his arm around him again, pulling him even closer.

They are both still healing and their journey is long and slow with many miles yet to go. 

However, Jongwoon is no longer so anxious to get to their destination. The journey itself is calling out to him, with all its ups and downs, and he settles down to enjoy his adventure with the young man in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there we have it, the actual end of SUMR. Hope you guys enjoyed this long-as-heck epilogue as much as I did writing it :)
> 
> I know many people expected Kyuhyun's accident and Yesung's feelings on it to be part of this epilogue, so a quick word on that. I seriously did consider it, but ultimately decided against it. On one hand, the timeline of this fic (according to my plot) didn't allow for it, and on the other, Kyu's accident is a major conflict I was not comfortable with making a plot device in this fic, much alone in the epilogue! It draws attention away from the major theme of this fic and I wanted to resolve Yesung and Kyuhyun's relationship without resorting to that incident.
> 
> So, that's about it. The epilogue still leaves the essence of their relationship with an open ending, but most of the other loose ends are tied up. Feel free to interpret and imagine as wildly as you like where Yesung and Kyuhyun go from here. After all, their journey still has many miles to go :)
> 
> Thanks to everyone who supported this fic, read, commented and rec'd this. All of you mean so much to me ♥


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